If u typ3 lik3 dis...

I cannot take you seriously.

I started my last first day of law school on 1.11.2011. I went to the bookstore. Got all my books for all my classes for under $400. The boy working in the bookstore flirted with me. And just like riding a bike, I gloriously flirted back. He asked for my number. He caught me in a good mood and wasn't atrocious-looking so I gave him my number.

About two weeks go by and I never hear from bookstore boy. I, honestly, forgot all about him, until a cough sent me into the store in search of cough drops. I see Bookstore Boy and he asks me how I've been. We engage in small talk for a few minutes and then he asks me, "So, you don't like texting?" I laugh and inform, Bookstore Boy I'm not fundamentally opposed to texting. He explains he'd texted me twice with no response. I let him know that I didn't get any texts from him (while thinking, um, why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me). Although I'm slightly annoyed, I re-give him my phone number and go on my merry way.

So this weekend, BB texts me...and its bad. Really bad. First, from years of having guy friends and watching them treat some girls well, others not so well, I'm weary of any guy who chooses to initially communicate with me exclusively through text message. Secondly, I cannot and will not take you seriously if you communicate with me via what I call "text talk." You are a grown man. You (should) know how to type a complete English sentence. And I need you to do so. Here's a sample of the wooing I was subjected to:

BB: Hey sweetie
Me: Um. Who is this?
BB: Bookstore Boy from the law school.
Me: Oh, hi. You might have wanted to lead with that, LOL
BB: Oh, my bad. Ive bn wntn 2 tlk 2 u 4 a while
Me: ...[I'm so taken aback by the "text talk" I don't know what to say, so finally I say:] And now you are...
BB: So wuts your name, again? [I've DIED at this point]
Me: ...Adrienne
BB: That's wuts up. So y arent u n relationship u dnt have time or somethin?
Me: That's a weird question--I'm just not in one. No particular reason. Why aren't YOU in a relationship--or are you? [after a 10 minute pause, during which I call a friend to relay the TERRIBLE texting I'm enduring]
BB: Im not thats y I wanna get 2 kno u
[I simply stopped texting at this point because I cant...]

 Y'all. Like seriously? Nothing about this guy indicated he texted/typed like an illiterate middle school-er. Not only are you unnecessarily replacing NECESSARY vowels in words/sentences, but you aren't talking about shit. You are 25-years-old and cannot have a f*cking conversation. Get off my phone! Do I need to get a writing sample before giving my number out in the future? I'm apparently not cut out for dating if this is what it means. Hopefully this was just a bad case...and now I have to ignore this boys atrocious text messages until he gets the point that its NOT going to happen. Ever.

IDK

How do you know you love someone? How do you know someone is this alleged "ONE" (not sure if I believe this "one" exists anymore)? How do you know when you're ready for the next level? What is it that you really want?

I've been pondering these questions for the past 2 months and avoiding writing this exact post because the answer to all these questions is a resounding, "I DON'T KNOW!" Lately that's been my answer to just about everything--I just don't know. I don't know anything...about anything. And that truth is frustrating and comforting all at the same time.

Pseudo Boyfriend is back with a vengeance. With talk of love and engagement rings and...children. [Heavy shit] We're talking basically daily. We're slowly falling back into a "thing". And I don't know how I feel about it...at all. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I'm always happy to see his name on the caller ID. I'm impressed that after 5 years, I'm still able to say that. I love him. I can say that without hesitation. But the same problems that split us up are still there. I live here, he lives there. He's still focused on his career/establishing himself with tunnel vision. I'm still needy and attention seeking. [Hey, I'm nothing if not self-aware]. So as much as I adore this person, let's be honest--is life trying to tell us we're incompatible? Like maybe he's just a life lesson and not a partner? Because I don't know anything about anything, I force myself to remain even and ambivalent. No expectations, no disappointment.

When it comes to relationships I feel like I've spent my life on the outside looking in. I haven't had a lot of boy friends. I've never really had a long term relationship. PB and I were together for a little over a year--that's the longest relationship. I see friends who have been together for upwards of 3, 4, 5 years and I just wonder what THAT is like?! I honestly can't imagine someone sticking with me that long. Let me rephrase: I can't imagine someone from Team Penis sticking with me that long. That's just not something I've historically experienced. So for me relationships are a lot like driving--I spent a long time watching everyone else do it. I thought I knew what it would be like...and when I finally got behind the wheel, I was completely off.

But as much as I'm inexperienced, uncertain, and frightened, I can't shake the feeling that my time is coming to get behind the proverbial wheel, again...or maybe that's just wishful thinking? LOL. Who knows. But I feel like I'm only going to learn by doing. And when it comes to relationships I'm not sure if that fear and uncertainty ever really goes away, at least when it comes to entering something new...

I don't know. 

I came. I saw. I conquered.

It has been my contention that guys have "she's happy"-radar. when ever an ex-girlfriend is moving on and happy their "spidey senses" go off and they track her down just in time to muck it up.

Well in line with this theory Heartbreaker popped up in my life. He literally popped up in my apt complex. i swear that boy is like a roach...he just keeps coming back!

So he texts me saying he's at my apt complex. I am immediately annoyed and I panic a bit. How will it be to see him? I mean, I unfriended him on FB lol. So I pick up the phone and call Frank. In typical Frank fashion, he asks the tough question: "do you WANT to see him?"

Damn you, Frank! The truth is I did want to see him because I've talked all this shit about being "free" of him and I wanted to prove to myself once and for all that he couldn't affect me anymore. That it was truly done.

So I go to the apartment. I see him. I feel nothing. No love. No hate. True ambivalence. I stayed ~15 minutes, came home and partied with friends.

I wake up the next morning with a text from him at like 2:30AM--umm--sir. NO. I don't acknowledge it. I end up having breakfast with him and some mutual friends at my place. This is the first time in ~3 years he's been to my place. He hugs me (shemotionally) and apologizes...yet still somehow manages to blame the last argument on me. Note: I don't apologize for ANYTHING. He asks if "we're cool". He says he won't let me go until I say we're cool. I give him a look and say "we're cool". Anything to get him off of me.

He tells me he has plans to marry his latest girlfriend. He says he's going to propose in July. I bite my tongue to keep from laughing. He says he's changed and matured a lot. I "kanye shrug" and continue to scramble the eggs. He asks me if I think he'll be a good husband. I check on the biscuits in the oven. He doesn't ask me anything about my personal life. I don't volunteer anything.

Heartbreaker hasn't changed. Not really. He still lives in his own little world. I have changed my reaction to him though. I just don't care anymore. Dude, we're not even FB friends! Haha. I don't have his number saved in my phone. We'll probably always be connected--we have too many mutual friends. And I'm glad for their sake, we can co-exist in the same social situations. I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just beyond the situation. Without question the days of HB hurting me are done.

It's a new feeling. I like it.

Freedom

Confession: I tend to idealize people and situations. I do.  I partially live in a fantasy world and thus I sometimes have unrealistic expectations for others which isn't always fair. I guess this is what Frank means when he says I'm judgmental.

Recently I came into contact with Heartbreaker via text message. Needless to say the convo was awkward. Then this morning I was sitting in traffic listening to Maxwell's "Pretty Wings". When Maxwell sang: "Time will bring the real end of our trial/One day they'll be no remnants/No trace, no residual feelings within ya" I started bawling...like a baby. {Ugh}

No need to rehash the history, but I need to say that despite the immense hurt he caused, HB is still probably the love of my life in the sense I've never loved someone as much or wanted a situation to work out more. And before we complicated the relationship, we were pretty good friends.

In the spirit of the memory of that dead friendship, I sent this text message:

"I hate that we aren't friends anymore...I'll always regret that we eff'd up a pretty great friendship...at least I think it was great at one time. Just wanted you to know that."

Simple enough. No blame placed. Just mourning a friendship. This was his response:

"Y regret? U said I was seasonal and that u grew owtta me...it is wat it is...I stoped talking to u because u were negative allll the time. U never thought to accept me for the man that I have become...but its cool, I have no hard feelings for u, just think times have changed and u define urself differently."

 My reaction? RAGE. I didn't "accept" the man he became? What man? I watched him cheat on EVERY girlfriend he EVER had. I went back and fooled with him after each time I swore I was finished. I sacrificed what I knew was right! What more could I have done to "accept" him? Puh-leeze.

My response:

"You know...I outgrew effing someone who not only didn't love me but loved the act more than me or our 'friendship'. You see the situation how you see it...when we were 'friends' were you a man you were proud of? But its whatever. Lose my number. You won't hear from me again."

I then unfriended him on FB. Yes, a bit immature, but necessary.

I release myself from this situation. I don't know who that man is, but it isn't the person I fell in love with. I'm not sure if that person ever existed. Maybe he's simply an idealized version of the truth. He's a stranger whom I don't want in my life. I take each lesson I learned from this situation. I forgive myself for the bad and I'm moving on.

I really don't want Heartbreaker (or Pseudo Boyfriend for that matter) to be the relationship(s) that define my romantic life. I think I deserve and am capable of so much better. And with that...I'm free!

New State of Mind

As I sit here I'm supposed to be preparing for tomorrow's Legal Profession class but... *kanye shrug* I've had a lot on my mind, some of which is reserved for my paper journal (she's feeling a bit neglected) but some of which I feel comfortable sharing here.

I don't know when it happened or why it happen but I am in such a good place. Like a really good place. I feel firm in life decisions. I feel firm in the core things I believe in. And I feel strong. I dare not say it, but I think I'm happy. One of my favorite television shows is Grey's Anatomy and in one of my favorite scenes the main character, Meredith asks her therapist what the point of it all is--after all crappy things happen every day. The therapist responds: "Horrible things DO happen. Happiness in the face of all of that? That's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings...that's the point." 

I get that. Life hasn't been perfect lately. In fact life has been tough. School has been kicking my butt (don't feel sorry for me--I'm a chronic procrastinator). My weight has been yo-yo-ing. My personal relationships are ever-evolving. But yet, I'm here. Moving forward. That is such a huge accomplishment for me. And while some days are crappy, I tend to wake up in the morning optimistic and charged because this is my LIFE. This time next year my time as a student will be coming to an end. Forever. Its a frightening and overwhelming prospect but its invigorating as well. My LIFE is getting ready to start and I can't wait! 

My excitement about the future is only fueled by certain personal realizations I've recently discovered. As I type I'm setting beside Frank, who like me, the ever-procrastinating student, is on the phone with his girl friend rather then doing his Criminal Procedure outline :SIDE EYE: Frank and his GF have a relationship. I can't speak to the strength of it. The goodness or badness of it. I get to see it from ONE side--his. But what I do know is this girl is his best friend. And they're incredibly supportive of one another. They are friends...and lovers. And despite the 9 hour distance it works for the most part. And honestly, at a moment like this, I'm jealous. I hope they appreciate what they have...though I think they do.

Anyway, I finished a major assignment today and I just wanted to call someone. I wanted someone to be waiting on the other end of the phone, excited for me. Last night when I dragged my exhausted carcass into bed, I wanted someone to be there...or someone I could call. And I don't have anyone like that in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've got great friends and family but I want something else. And it struck me. I think I'm ready for a relationship. I'm open to it. I'm ready for it. And I'd actually like one. I want to go on dates. I want to curl up on the couch for movie nights. I want to cook for someone. I want someone to find all my little quirks endearing rather than annoying. And I want to be someone for somebody else. I think I'm in a space where I could do that.

I have never felt this way. Its something new. I actually feel like I have something to offer someone else. Its scary and exciting all at the same time.

I've seen the light

There is no such thing as the perfect guy. He doesn't exist. This lesson I've learned over the years but even more so in the past week or so. Every guy has mucked it up at some point along the way. They are human beings and like us females, they make mistakes. Sure, their errors seem more egregious and callous, but they are mistakes nonetheless.

I have this tendency to build up the men in my life as these "perfect" specimen who can do no wrong--until they do. And then I wind up sorely disappointed and ready to lash out at the entire male race. [I'm such a person of extremes, LOL]. I am quickly learning that I can't hold this strict black and white standards for others when I am unable to live up to a similar standard for myself. I am also learning that these "great" guys really weren't THAT great to begin with, if only I'd been willing to see the truth.

Take Pseudo Boyfriend for instance, I've been swooning over him for the past month or so...feeling all nostalgic and sad that we aren't ever going to get our shot. Last night, in an instant I *snapped* right out of my fantasy world and perhaps finally saw the TRUTH.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I called PB all SHEmotional and told him how happy I was to have him in my life--we're such good friends, he gives great advice, blah blah blah [basically stroking his ego]. He echoed similar sentiment although many of his compliments towards me were sexual in nature [Shadiness #1]. But whatever, I shook it off. During the convo, his younger sister called so he said he would call me back. He never did. I wake up Sunday morning to a missed call from PB. He'd called me at 3:35 AM. Who does that? Who calls someone at damn-near 4:00 AM??? My daddy always told me nothing positive is going down after midnight and I've found that largely to be true. When a dude calls you after midnight, he usually only wants one thing--how PB thought he was going to get it long-distance is a mystery to me. [Shadiness #2] So I'm leaving the law school last night ~10 ish and I decide to give PB a call. He doesn't answer the phone. Fine. No big deal. Well he calls me back at 1:35 AM talking all sweet and shit:

-PB: Were you sleep?
-Me: Uh, yeah.
-PB: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just returning your phone call from earlier.
-Me: Oh, OK.
-PB: I miss you.
-Me: You always miss me when alcohol is involved and its after midnight
-PB: I'm not drunk. I can't miss you?
NOTE: At this point, I want  to say, "Ask wifey if you can miss me!" But I don't, I say:
-Me: You always tend to miss me after midnight, why is that???

Cricket. Cricket. Cricket.

-Me: Well, its late and I wanna get up early to study so...
-PB: OK, well I'll try to catch up with you tomorrow...before midnight
-Me: Bye.

Now, the entire time this conversation is going on, I'm flashing back to a recent conversation I had with one of my girLS, AY. She basically expressed she was concerned re: my renewed feelings for PB and reminded me of one thing--you LOSE guys they way you GET them. Meaning, while PB is talking all reckless to me while he has a girl friend, if we were to reconcile what would keep him from talking reckless or leaving me for another chick down the road?? It just hit me in the chest. I don't want him like this. And if I could GET him, I'm not sure if I want him at all. The whole business just felt SHADY. He's not respecting his relationship. I don't owe that chick ANYTHING and yet I feel like I'm more concerned for her relationship than he is. In that moment, the veil was lifted off my eyes and I suddenly didn't feel butterflies when I thought about him. I felt a little disappointed. Cause he's better than that. He isn't perfect. He's just another commitment phobic guy who has probably convinced himself he could do the commitment thing if it was with me. And by talking to him in a way that is crossing the friendship line, I am letting him know that I don't have too high standards for him or myself.

So, crush on PB is gone. The past is the past and his present is with someone else. And whether he continues that relationship or not isn't really my business. I adore him as a human being. I do think he's one of the good ones...but as of right now, he's not in MY present as anything more than an old friend. And that's that...

With arms wide open.

“Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.” --Leo F. Buscaglia 

I talk a lot about Frank on my blog--his name is getting huge on the label list. He's one of my closest friends I've made since being in law school. He is also many times my go-to guy for a lot of situations and gives me invaluable advice. That being said, another close friend I have at law school is AJL and she is a great friend, too. AJL is a girl friend in the best since of the word. The one who can call you on your ish like only a girl can. AJL and I talk [and joke] a lot about my life as a singleton. Every once in a while, AJL will share a theory-on-Akili--basically her observations about me in a social setting or re: a particular subject.

AJL's observation re: Akili and relationships: According to AJL, I'm single not because I'm not pretty or "worthy" of a relationship but because I'm closed off to the prospect of a relationship. She claims she's witnessed guys openly flirt with me and basically come one step from hitting on me and I'm simply oblivious and closed off to even the idea that a guy is giving me "the look". [I'm thinking of one instance in particular when I met a guy in the Enteprise car rental place and I SWEAR I don't think this dude was flirting. AJL SWEARS he was...hmmm.] So lately, I've been wondering if AJL is right about me being closed off towards dudes. Let's look at the evidence.

1. Frank: I love Frank. I really do. But how crazy is it that I've formed this close-ass relationship with a guy, that but for the lack of sex is a RELATIONSHIP. I call Frank my perfect boyfriend--he listens to me, he watches tv/movies with me, he goes on "romantic" dinner dates with me, and every once in a while he'll even PAY for my meal. [Despite his proclamation that a guy doesn't feed the "hoes"--only wifey, LOL. I really need to start blogging all my "Frank-isms"]. The only thing that keeps us from being a couple is the lack of intimacy. But hell, I know some real couples who aren't intimate. So basically I get a male perspective/companionship in my life without the emotional attachment/commitment of a man. Frank isn't emotionally available to me...and I like it that way. The success of our entire relationship is predicated on the fact that Frank is with someone else. I take comfort in his unavailability. Frank [an unavailable man] is pretty much the "guy" in my life right now. That's pretty closed-off, huh?
2. Pseudo Boyfriend: When I got freaked out and slipped into a mini-depression over PB, Frank asked me a pretty important question--do you really miss HIM or just the idea of him [or a guy like him]? (See why I love Frank? He asks the "bitch stop bullshitting" questions). Now, I can honestly say I miss Pseudo Boyfriend. I adore the man. And I use the term man because he's not a boy. He's respectful and kind and despite his relationship, I believe he loves me. Knowing that we probably don't have a future as a romantic couple truly saddens me. That being said, I'm once again attaching my heart to an emotionally [and physically] unavailable guy. I can sit around and blog about the good ole days with PB rather than make NEW memories with a NEW guy. Cause no matter how many awesome Skype convos and tears I shed, PSEUDO BOYFRIEND IS NOT HERE. Once again, Akili being closed off.
   
3. Insecurity: I've blogged before about ME being comfortable with my weight and what I look like. Sometimes I work out like a maniac, other times [like the past month] I tell the gym to KICK ROCKS. But every morning when I look in the mirror, I see something positive--which is huge progress for me. That being said, I am [and always have been] a realist and I recognize and accept that some men--many men--aren't looking for a girl who looks like me. I'm not skinny. I haven't been "skinny" since 6th grade. And I have no desire to be skinny. But I think when I'm out and about I assume that guys aren't hitting on me or interested in me, rather than giving them the opportunity to spit game or whatever it is guys do these days. And once I've made that assumption, I pull away before I give the guy a chance to reject me...[Wow. That was really honest. Look at me admitting shit tonight]

Ok. So maybe AJL has a point. The evidence strongly suggests that I may be a tad bit closed-off to romance in my life. What is it they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem. So here goes.

Hi, my name is Akili and I'm emotionally closed-off to men out of fear of being rejected/embarrassed/hurt.

Happy, AJL? Now that I've conceded the point, what am I going to do about it? Where there's this kid--who may or may not be interested in me [and who I may or may not be interested in]. The jury is still out. He's nothing like I've ever dated/talked to before and he's not someone I'd traditionally give the time of day. But something in my gut is telling me to step outside of my box and just be open the idea of something new. As AJL put it--worst case scenario you get a new friend. Best case? Maybe I break the 2.5 year dry spell [which V has instructed me needs to be broken by 2010...Love that girl]. So I've been flirting. I've been texting. I've been calling. I'm trying to maintain the balance between being open and being desperate. After all, a girl still likes to be pursued.

But this is a big step for me. I'm making a concerted effort to be open. With this new kid and with other people, too. I'm a lot terrified. Since my life is on this blog like an open book, I'll definitely let you know what happens...

All I want for Christmas is you.

Something told me it was over... 

When I saw you and her talking.
Something deep down in my soul said, 'cry girl'
When I saw you and that girl walkin', around.
I would rather, I would rather go blind, boy
Than to see you walk away from me child, no
So you see, I love you so much,
That, I don't want to watch you leave me baby.
Most of all I just don't, I just don't want to be free, no.

--"I'd Rather Go Blind," Etta James

So for the past 3 years the girLS and I have thrown a Christmas party--basically an excuse to get together, eat, drink and be merry. I don't really remember why but the first year each girl was required to bring a "date" to the party. I don't even remember who I invited that first year--which lets you know how much of a "date" he was. Anyway, I didn't get to go to the soiree last year due to exams but I'm planning on going this year.

...but there's this "date" business. Its not a big deal if I DON'T have a date--we really don't care that much. But truth is, I want to bring a date. It would require me either having someone in NC or bringing someone with me from AL. This basically isn't going to happen--but there is an even bigger problem. Not only do I want to bring a date, I want to bring a specific date. I want to bring Pseudo-Boyfriend.

I've talked about PB quite a bit on here, but never in a positive light [haha] and I don't think I've ever really explained his origins. I met him my jr year in college. He is a member of Omega Psi Phi and one of his line brothers is childhood friends with one of my girLS. We met through them. We "dated" for about a year. I put dated in quotations because we were basically a couple although it was never official on FB and he never formally asked me to be his girlfriend. But we were together for about a year--monogamously. [Hence the pseudonym Pseudo Boyfriend] It was the best and most functional relationship I've ever been in. He was the first boy to ever spend Valentine's Day with me. He got along great with my girLS. Even the parents got to meet him [that's a HUGE deal for me]. We stopped dating when PB graduated from college and I was left behind in NC without the best boy I'd ever been with. *Can we have a sad moment of silence*

Us being apart was very difficult for me. I really cared about this guy and I didn't understand why he wasn't willing to even try the long distance thing with me. At the time, I just didn't get it. While I was in my sr. year at NCSU, PB was in his first year of law school AND working full-time. Law school isn't a game [which I now understand] and PB barely had time for himself let alone me. He was rightly so focused on his education/career and not a relationship with me. My real problems came with PB the summer I started law school--he got a girlfriend and rather than call me and tell me, he left me to find out on the Facebook. Needless to say, I was LIVID. You can read my wrath HERE. I was extremely hurt and I did the 10 y.o. thing and unfriended him on Facebook. Didn't talk to him for a long time. Last Christmas my family and I went to Orlando, FL where he lives and I felt obligated to call him. He took me to a really nice dinner and it just felt so good to be in his presence. By then, I understood the realities of being in law school. He apologized for not being honest about his new GF. And that was that. We're cool.

The issue with wanting PB to be my date to the Christmas party is that he very much so has a GF. They've been together about a year and a half I guess. She lives in FL, too. Honestly, I feel jipped. In a lot of ways I feel as if she has what was supposed to be mine. PB and I talk every few months, just to catch up and we always fall back into old patterns. The conversations are so...amazing. He really gets me. He's the kind of guy you marry and because of distance he probably isn't ever going to marry ME. [sigh]. The last time we talked he felt the need to tell me that us not being together wasn't because of ME--it was strictly the distance--he just couldn't handle it. It made me feel better to know that...but I almost wish I didn't know it. Because now I miss him. A lot. All the time. I hate to think about him with this other chick but I can't do anything about it. I've been a homewrecker before--its crossed off my Bucket List and I feel NO NEED to go down that road EVER AGAIN. No man...not even PB is worth that.

...so that's my dilemma. I want to bring someone else's boyfriend [and while I had my claim first--he IS HER BOYFRIEND] to the Christmas party. It wasn't until this Christmas party business that I started thinking about PB again...it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Being beautiful is a state of mind

So last night I hit the bar scene in Tuscaloosa. Tuscaloosa is the quintessential college town. Life revolves around the University and thus the bars/eateries completely pander to college life. There's no young professional scene so when going out you have to be prepared to deal with undergrads and all the ridiculousness that comes with that. [I'm amazed that I used to be one such undergrad--I definitely cannot party like I used to].

Anyway, last night I went to this bar called The Bear Trap on the Strip. I actually really like TBT. It has clean bathrooms and just a cool clean vibe. There's also a rooftop bar which is pretty effing awesome and they make incredible nachos. But I digress.

I went with A and C to see this local band that C has been raving about for the longest. Some of C's friends from high school turned her on to this band who's style I can't even really describe. Its all live instrumentation--guitars, horns, etc., and they play everything from original music to covers of Outkast, John Legend, Marley. It was sooooo refreshing to hear some good live music last night! We sat in this corner table with C's guy friends and just groove'd to the tunes. Low-key yet good times.

C's friends were great. I love being around people who as soon as they meet you are ready to talk. Ready to joke. I laughed and laughed last night. Growing up I always felt insecure around white guys. It was more so prejudice based off my own peronal experiences with them ["Adrienne, you're so pretty for a black girl" usually doesn't build one's self-esteem up]. I always felt like they were judging me, sizing me up. But not last night, it was just chill. It was nice. I felt good--I felt like I looked good. And when dealing with men that's half the battle.

Hanging out with the guys got me thinking about how I deal with men and the current crisis of my love life [I don't have one]. Maybe I'm the problem? Granted, Tuscaloosa is not bustling with eligible bachelors. Majority of the guys I see or meet in town are 19 or have metal in their mouths--at this point in my life neither are appealling options. Its not that I'm looking to get married next week or something but the next guy that I date I'd like it to be an option. I don't wanna go into something knowing neither one of us is really taking the other one seriously. But sometimes I feel like I don't send out the vibes that I'm single and ready to mingle. I think it has a lot to do with the weight I gained.

Let's be frank, I gained a heap of weight. I was fat. I got control of that and lost 20 lbs. I'm still not "skinny" by any means but I can put on a dress and feel good about myself again. I still need to lose some more. I'm not at my goal yet. But the point I'm trying to make is that a lot of attraction and sexiness is internal. I didn't feel good in my own skin and that shows. I used to tell myself I wasn't pretty--or someone else was prettier. But if that was the case it's because I made myself not pretty just by telling myself negative things.

Last night, in my purple dress I felt good. And that's quite an accomplishment for me.

Oh yeah, and word to the wise. When going out drinking, when you know you will inevitably break the seal, DO NOT wear any type of one-piece spanx or supportive undergarments. They are a BITCH to take off in the bar. Especially when your pissing every 20 min.

Kissing summer goodbye

Truth time.

I bullshitted this summer. Ok. Well not the whole summer. But when I should have been on the ball, I was actively bullshitting.

It all started off ok. I got an amazing summer job for the first part of the summer and I'm pretty sure I narrowed down my field of interest in terms of the law. I really like medical malpractice defense. I like the medicine. The cases are interesting to me. I'm fascinated by the law's approach. Great. I really liked the firm I worked for. It was small..a lot of personal attention and I think they liked me. I got a verbal offer back. Great.

The second half of the summer I was supposed to be working in the AGs office. I didn't go. It wasn't that I didn't want to go but I had no place to stay, my money was running low and I wanted to see my grandmother.

Granny had a stroke this summer. Its not the end of the world, because at this point after all she's been through I'm just happy she's ALIVE. She knows her name. She can dress herself...feed herself...etc. But her memory isn't too good. She'll most likely never live on her own again. Most days, while she is fully aware I'm her granddaughter and can even tell you that I am in law school, she doesn't know my name. I hate when the PT person asks her my name, because while I know she KNOWS me and loves me, it hurts everytime she admits she doesn't know. And I think it embarrasses her, too. It breaks my heart to see her struggle because Granny has always been such an independent spirit since I've known her. Her husband died 30 years ago. She's been by herself and DOING IT! She volunteers, plays bingo, and travels the country visiting her grandchildren. That's my granny. And now she needs my help to remember that its 2009! Its hard. I do not regret spending the last half of my summer with Granny. Because a few years from now, when shes most likely not on this earth anymore, these weeks will be precious memories to me. Just knowing that I was here...showing her how much I love her.

The fault is really mine. While I was here with Granny I should've written on to a law journal. But I didn't. Honestly, I just didn't *feel* like it. And now I don't know how big of a deal it is that I didn't. I'm pretty pleased with my grades. I improved from first semester, I just wonder if I've put myself at a disadvantage by NOT writing onto the journal. I dunno. I guess when I get back, I'll go talk to Prof. A or Prof. F. They'll set me straight. I just need to refocus and do the things I need to do this 2nd year.

On a personal note, NOTHING is new. No boys. Shady friends. Same ole same ole. I think if there's one thing that 2009 has taught me is that friendship is a fragile word. Complicated too. While it seems like a simple lecture, I'm just beginning to realize that everyone isn't your friend. And while I am more than painfully aware that I have some problems, I guess I've never really stopped to consider that the people who are my "friends" have problems too. And sometimes no matter how much you wanna be there for someone or call someone a friend, there problems get in the way of that. So I've basically been clinging to the people who I know are true. The people who have been there all along and distancing myself from the fake. I use to give people the benefit of the doubt...give my trust until I had a reason not to do so. I cannot do that anymore. My trust has become a limited commodity. And I hate that it has to be that way...but what are you going to do? I have to protect myself. Look out for me. Because no one else is going to. That I know for sure.

I don't talk to Heartbreaker anymore. He's no longer apart of my life. I check his facebook page every now and then [he has a new girlfriend...that I'm sure he's already cheated on] but I don't remember the last time I spoke to him. I know I text'd him when V's father passed away. It felt like the right thing to do. But I really have no desire to be in his life anymore because after all these years I've come to the conclusion that I don't know him anymore. Maybe I never did. And I don't really blame him for that. I think I created a lot of the things in him that I thought were so great. I think majority of the things I loved so much about Heartbreaker were a figment of my imagination and that isn't his fault. I set high standards for others. I create these love fantasies in my head. I cannot blame people when they cannot measure up. It isn't fair. So that's that. We're not lovers. We're not friends. We're just not.

Pseudo-Boyfriend and I talk occasionally. I usually call him. Our conversations are usually short. Friendly. A little flirty. But that's it. He still has his girlfriend but I think he's still primarily focused on himself--his education, his career. And I'm not mad at him for that. I think that's how it should be. And the more and more I do this law school thing I think THAT is why more than anything else, we didn't make it. It wasn't me. He just was into himself/school more than me. And I can't really blame him for that either. It just is what it is.

Sometimes it makes me sad that Pseudo-Boyfriend and Heartbreaker are the only two men in my life to talk about...but c'est la vie. I won't complain because honestly, I don't know what I would do with a boy right now. Don't get me wrong...I'd like the company...but I don't know if I have a relationship in me right now. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will...

This year I just wanna have some FUN FUN FUN. And with that, I kiss the summer of 2009 goodbye. I head back to Tuscaloosa on Sunday....

ain't it funny.

I talked to Heartbreaker last night. I was just doing the friend thing--calling to check in. We had not talked in a while. I really called because I was feeling nostalgic. I had found this love letter that I'd written him a while ago. And it was the sweetest thing. It was beautiful--young love. And it made me feel all warm inside. And it made me feel happy. That I was able to possess those kinds of feelings for another person. It was so pure and perfect. One day I might even let him read it. Because I think everyone deserves to know they were loved like that.

So, for that girl, who wrote that letter, I called the boy she loved. And we talked. He was telling me about his life. His new job. His new house. Problems with his girl friend. And for the first time I realized that he has changed a lot. He's a lot different from the guy I used to know--in good ways, but also in bad. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks--he was never for me. He wasn't meant for me. We weren't soulmates. We weren't destined to be. None of that. We were wrong--or more specifically, I was wrong. I just knew that he was mine. That God had put him in my life and that in the end it would be us.

I was wrong.

We were young. I was stupid. And while I will always be greatful because I felt what it means to truly love another human being in that way, I have to stop idealizing the relationship we had. Its over. And I know that I would not want to go back. So then I got to thinking, if you could go back in time and tell youngYou that it was a mistake, that she was wrong--would you?

Absolutely not. Just as much as he deserves to know that someone loved him like that, youngYou deserved to open her heart like that. If I would tell her anything, it would be that when it doesn't work out--when he breaks your heart--just know that you are going to make it. This boy--no boy can or ever will break you. And that God has someone or something better for you.

Its nice to get the epiphany NOW---AFTER the heartbreak...life lessons, I guess.

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Now playing: Jazmine Sullivan - In Love with Another Man
via FoxyTunes

Stop. Calling. Me.

I know I haven't written in a while. School has not been a joke. But I'm in the mood to procrastinate and I'm listening to some Ne-Yo so I decided to get somethings off my chest--of course its about guys---and of course its about the SAME two guys who we will simply refer to as Pseudo-Boyfriend and Heartbreaker. Both of them are trying to claw their way back into my heart/mind/life with a vengeance and I just don't think I can handle it right now.

Let's start with Pseudo-Boyfriend (PB). He's a simple case, in my opinion. Why is he still calling me? Why does he think that's okay? Because its not. After Heartbreaker messed me up, after I struggled so hard to get past that, I met PB and he was so unexpected. And I was so happy. And I said those three dreaded words and I meant it--or at least I really WANTED to mean it. And he said them too. And yet, here I am writing a hurt/pissed-off/confused entry wondering how the hell we got here. Was it my fault? Was it his fault? I don't know. All I know is that his ass has a girl friend, so there isn't really any reason from him to be calling me, right? Apparently not. About once every few weeks, he texts me "just to see how I'm doing". Negro, don't worry about how I'm doing. I'm doing GREAT when I don't hear from you. Because when I don't hear from you, I don't wonder about WHY you had time to be with whomever this new chick is, but you weren't even willing to try to be with me. I don't think about how I found out about this new chick on FACEBOOK. FACEBOOK. One more time. FACEBOOK. Do you know how humilitating that is? To think you are someone special to someone and then to find out they REALLY have someone special in their lives from the freaking FACEBOOK!!!! Needless to say I was pissed. And then, he had the audacity to say the reason he did not tell me was because he did not want to upset me while I was in my summer law class. Really? Really. REALLY?! So you are THAT much the shit, that finding out about your petty-ass girlfriend is going to mess me up academically? Uhhh. That DEFINITELY wasn't the case---I did GREAT in my summer class, despite your immaturity and shenaningans. The real reason he didn't tell me because the sneaky way he went about it was WRONG and he was too cowardly to MAN UP. Maybe I should change his alias to the cowardly lion because he punk-bitch'd his way throughout this entire situation. So, now, cowardly lion, WHY DO YOU TEXT ME??? You clearly were not concerned about my feelings this summer when you drove all the way to Birmingham, but couldn't be bothered to say hello to a woman you spent 1-year of your life with. Really? Really. Like Seriously? Birmingham??? Its like 35 minutes away! That was like pouring salt in the freaking wound. And if you cannot tell, I'm a little ticked off about it! So the bottom line is, way to be yet another person to make me feel like shit. Like I was less than someone else. Unworthy. Thanks a lot pseudo-boyfriend. Thanks for sensing out exactly when I'm little too busy to deal with all this and pop up on my fucking phone, despite the fact I UNFRIENDED YOU ON FACEBOOK, and deleted your number from my phone. Because when your damn area code pops up on my phone, it ruins my ENTIRE FUCKING DAY. Thank you, Pseduo-Boyfriend. Kudos to you!

Okay. Pause button. I need a breather. Let me listen to some Ne-Yo . . .

Now. On to Heartbreaker. I think the alias says it all. He broke my heart. Over and over again. And then one more time, just for good measure. And I loved him. I loved him so much that I gave of myself until there was literally nothing left to give. And I sacrificed what I believed and knew to be right/wrong to be his . . . I don't even know what I was. He was supposed to be my friend and he betrayed my friendship for his own benefits. He stomped all over my teenage heart and my adult heart, too. And I, like a fool let him. Hell, I know Akili means Wisdom--but maybe I should have a name that means foolish-dummy-DUMBASS. And now, he's back. He's had the best of me and now he's back for another piece. And he sounds so apologetic. He apologized for his lack of maturity. For all the times he hurt me before and was unwilling or unable to do the right thing, and he just wants our friendship back. And I'll admit, before we foolishing complicated things, we did have a pretty incredible friendship. And I'm not blaming everything on him. I am an adult. I am capable for standing up for myself and one my greatest regrets is that I failed to see I was worth defending until I had put myself through so much. I let his "affection" validate me until I *needed* it to make me feel anything positive. It makes me sad to even think about it. He doesn't understand why I'm so reluctant to risk it and trust him again, especially if all we're going to be is "friends". He doesn't get it. He doesn't know that deep down, in my most secret heart, I still think about how my last name would sound hyphenated with his. He doesn't know how much it hurt the first time. He didn't see the tears and the days without showering. He didn't see the miscellaneous guys I talked to trying to forget. He only knew I stopped calling. He didn't see and to explain it at this point would be too hurtful. So what do I do? Come back just because HE misses me? I don't know about that one. I'll definitely be praying on it. But I know that if it turns out his "I just wanna be friends" plea is bullshit, I'm nipping in the butt ASAP, because I will not risk this heart of mine again. He lost that privilege. Those fantasies about being Mrs. A. Scott-Heartbreaker are just that---fantasies and I'm not willing to jump off that cliff again. Not when he's proven he is unwilling or unable to catch me.


.: Akili
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Now playing: Lauryn Hill - To Zion
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Facebook told me so...

Let's start with something positive. Something positive. I'm doing well in school. Despite all my fears and reservations about starting law school, so far, I'm not drowning. I guess my fear motivated me to tackle the situation instead of simply reacting and things are going well. And I'm really really really really proud of myself. I've been working out. I've met some awesome people and I feel as if God really opened the door to Alabama for me and so far its been pretty much amazing.

If only those feelings could be in the rest of my life, too. I'll just blurt it out. He has a girlfriend. I still can't believe it. And I'll be brutally honest, I am a little hurt that the girlfriend isn't me. Insecurity rears its ugly head and I'll admit I wondered why I was not good enough to be his girlfriend but this other person is. And the sad part is, I don't even think I WANT to be his girlfriend. I don't really have the time or the energy for long distance and I'm not even certain we are 100% compatible. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, but I think if he was "the one" I'd know. And I don't.

But still. You don't just put "in a relationship" up on facebook without telling the girl you have claimed to "love" for the past year. In one of the numerous phone calls, you could have dropped that when I asked, "So, what's up?" But he didn't. Because he is a coward. He was afraid so he kept it from me. He claims that isn't it, but I don't believe him. He bitch'd up and so I had to read about his relationship on facebook. FACEBOOK. Isn't that some bullshit? And that is what had me enraged. I'm hurt and embarrassed and just overall pissed off.

And then today, in the shower, I got to thinking about the situation and how just wasn't "ready" to be in a relationship with me after all the time we spent together and it hit me, I'm his rebound chick. My role in his life was seasonal, not permanent. I facilitated him getting out of a bad relationship, we kicked it, and that's it. While I wanted him to be something bigger. Something more. I don't think that was the plan. I was his rebound chick. And I REALLY don't like that. But I'm going to do the mature, adult thing. I wished the relationship well. I'm his "friend" but that's it. I don't think its appropriate for me to call him and such anymore, because in my opinion, those conversations were more than friendly.

I don't know if he's TRYING to be a "player" or if he honestly doesn't see his faulty logic/actions in this entire situation, but I've spent too much time being the spoiler, the "other woman" in other females' relationships and it made me feel horrible about myself and I refuse to even let myself THINK ABOUT getting sucked into that situation. And that it what I call growth!

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Now playing: Leona Lewis - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
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