On one episode there was this fat girl who wanted to be made into a plus-size model. Her coach was a former plus-size supermodel. At one point during the episode the girl breaks down crying [as they always do on "Made"] and basically says she just wants to change herself--people are always calling her fat. Her coach said something that was really an A-HA moment for me: "Newsflash: You ARE fat."
At first, I was kinda like damn. I immediately thought of my favorite line from Clueless--"wow, that was way harsh Tai." But then I realized a couple of things. The coach was telling the truth. The girl was fat. It was a fact--not something that was said to make the girl feel bad. What the woman was basically telling the girl was your weight is a FACT. If you don't like the reactions you get or how you feel from that fact then do something about it. The coach also pointed out if you allow your weight to make you feel bad then you won't necessarily be happy skinny either. There will always be haters.
So. I kinda gave myself a newsflash. Akili, hunny..you are FAT. There really isn't a need to try and decipher if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. It's a fact. There are consequences associated with it and those are mine to deal with. I've been working out for the past year because I looked in the mirror and was uncomfortable with what I saw. Plus, it makes me feel good. I diet'd from January - May and I lost over 20 lbs. I do like exercising and eating better because it makes me healthier and I feel better when I'm healthier. But I also like to EAT. I like FOOD. It's really important to me [as I've blogged about before] and it keeps me at a certain weight. So I'm fat. What does that mean?
Honestly, it means nothing to me. I look in the mirror and I can honestly say I see a beautiful person. I think I'm pretty on the outside and I spend time trying to make my inside more and more beautiful everyday. I think that's what this blog is about for me--finding me and making me better--more beautiful. I spent so many years being insecure about what I looked like and I'm just so past that. My parents named me Akili about 3 years ago and Akili means wisdom. Its a heavy name to live up to. But I am wise enough to know that knowing oneself and loving oneself is an on-going process.
So I'll continue to workout and try to make better eating choices because it makes me happy to do so. But I'm tired of looking at myself and comparing to others or worrying if boys find me attractive. Some boys don't like fat girls. Some boys do. The ones who don't just won't like me. If lose weight I'll do so when I'm ready and because I want to. I guess what I'm trying to say is f*ck people's expectations of what I should look like or if people don't wanna be with me because I'm "fat". They don't know what they're missing {wink}.
So yeah. This is me. And this is what I look like. Deal with it. I have.
