Painting with Broad Brush Strokes



So a few years ago I signed up for these daily emails from "The Universe" and I usually read whatever the Universe has to offer each morning before I start my day. I'll be honest, sometimes the Universe is cheesy, a little too positive, and downright annoying. Other times the Universe is so on point with thoughts, issues, and ideas in my life, its scary. Case-in-point. This email from the Universe encouraging me to dream in broad brush strokes.

Yup.

This has been a life lesson that's been whispering (and now apparently screaming) at me for some time. I think it started in college when I buckled under and ultimately succumbed to the pressure to have life figured out by 22. Throughout my 20s, as it became more and more apparent that I, in reality, had absolutely nothing figured out, I became frustrated, unhappy and ultimately devastated as my "vision" for my life continued to not come true. I was not married by 25. At 25, I was exiting a disastrous "dating" situation (we're going to use dating...loosely), that left me a little lost and a whole lot destroyed.  It became apparent that I would not be a mother by 30. I was not killing it in my professional life as I had in my academic life. Basically, my "vision" had betrayed me and thoughts that I didn't deserve "x,y,z, 1, 2, 3" and that I would never be happy crept in and took hold.

Enter deep depression at age 29.

But in year 30, in finally confronting at lot of issues, letting the pain of my last "relationship" (again...such a loose term) go, and learning to dissect the ridiculous falsehoods we tell ourselves ("I'll never have...." "I always...." "I don't deserve..."), I began to realize in many ways I set myself up to fail. My "vision" was not only incredibly specific, I had deadlines based on what others around me were doing and what I though I should be doing. LIFE LESSON: Give the Universe a deadline, she replies back with all the sarcasm, "Yeah girl."

In the past year, I forced myself to explore, What is it that you want out of this, your one life? Ideas came to me like, Love. Adventure. Health. Rich experience. Confidence. I ultimately had to release myself from any idea or plan more specific than that...no more setting myself up. That does not mean the year was without goals. I wanted to run a half marathon in my 30th year. (And I did. At my pace. No time deadlines. No expectations other than train as best you can. Run as best you can). I wanted to go on a date. (And I did. Met a boy who was so "not my type". Had some butterflies. Got my swag back. It fizzled. But boy...do I have an experience that's an entirely different post). I wanted to feel good about being me. (And I do. Found a new gym, stopped internalizing other people's b.s.).

I realized that the details do not necessarily matter. We put our intentions out into the world. We take steps every day with those intentions in mind. We paint our lives in with broad brush  strokes. And God, the Universe, the Creator, (whatever you want to call it) does the work of the details. And if you can accept that there's very little we have control over in this life (still struggling with this...hourly), the details of the Universe can surprise...delight....shock....marvel. And it's kind of everything.