Phenomenal Woman

When I was a tween I won my first pageant. (Pause for reaction). Yes, I did a few pageants in my youth, the last when I was 15 years old. I won a few, too. Whenever I was in pageants that had a talent component I usually recited a poem. I was too shy and nervous to do anything else. Eventually, Maya Angelou's "And Still I Rise..." became my poem. I connected with that poem at a young age. I understood what it meant. That poem made me a Maya Angelou fan. 

As a Maya Angelou fan, I never truly appreciated "Phenomenal Woman" until now. This is truly a woman's poem. And it wasn't until I became a woman--someone who has survived heartache and disappointment--that I understood what Maya was really saying. 

This is a poem about confidence in spite of...well...everything. As the poem states: "I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size." Despite the things she's not, she has confidence---she's phenomenal. She's a woman. As a girl, I think I intellectually understood what Maya was saying but now I get it. Truly. As someone who spends a lot of time doubting and dwelling on her deficiencies, it's time to make "Phenomenal Woman" my poem!

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,   
The stride of my step,   
The curl of my lips.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,   
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,   
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.   
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.   
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,   
And the flash of my teeth,   
The swing in my waist,   
And the joy in my feet.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,   
They say they still can’t see.   
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,   
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.   
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.   
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,   
The bend of my hair,   
the palm of my hand,   
The need for my care.   
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Lessons from Google Instant

Was running a general Google search today and Google Instant incorrectly interpreted my search as: "Needy" which led me to discover a WikiHow page entitled, "How to Stop Being Needy." And I'll admit it, I can be extremely needy in both friendships and romantic relationships. Its a pretty shitty quality--I recognize it but change is difficult. I think it stems from a general distrust of people and a belief that if given the opportunity people will fuck you over disappoint you. It is something that I'm working on...its a work in progress. But here's the advice Google Instant gave me: 

Slow down! Every relationship develops at its own pace--don't fast forward to being "soulmates" or "best friends forever" just because things feel great. Cherish the novelty of it all, and the excitement of having something new, because it'll never be new again. It can be nerve-wracking not knowing how a certain connection is going to unfold, but it's also exciting. Be patient and learn to savor that excitement. Don't try and push the connection into a stage that it's not ready for.

Take off the rose-tinted glasses. Part of the reason we get disproportionately excited sometimes is because we tend to "idealize" a person in the very beginning. When you first meet someone who you have a connection with, it's so easy to get lost in fantasies of how awesome your friendship or relationship might be, but with those fantasies come high expectations, and sometimes those expectations are unrealistic! Make it a point to remind yourself that this new person is human, which means they're not perfect. They will make mistakes, and you need to be ready to cope and forgive, rather than act shocked that the person dares to be anything but perfect.

Practice quid pro quo (a Latin phrase for "this for that"). Imagine your interaction with this person is like a tennis or volleyball game. Every time you initiate contact, you throw the ball to their side of the court. Then, you have to wait for them to send it back. You don't toss a whole bunch more just to make sure he or she is still interested in playing. If you're a little on the needy side, you probably get nervous and worried while you're waiting. When this happens, take a deep breath. If you've already gotten in touch with someone (sent them an e-mail or text message, or gave them a call and left a voice message) there's no need to do it again.

Get busy doing other things. People who are busy simply don't have enough time to be needy; they're always preoccupied with other things, and guess what? Those other things often make those people more interesting friends and romantic partners. If you have nothing better to do than to wait for someone to call or write back, then you're probably bored (and you know what they say - if you're bored, you're boring). So what are you waiting for? Go volunteer. Learn to dance. Go for a run. Learn to oil paint. Join a club. Put yourself out there, apply yourself, and have fun! All your worries will fall away, and if and when the person gets in touch, it'll be a delightful surprise, not a frantic relief!

Fill the gap. Odds are, if you struggle with neediness, you're probably a little lacking in the self-esteem department. You might be looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself, but the fact is that you are the only person who can really do that. You shouldn't base your happiness on someone else. Sure, it's okay for someone to make you happy, but if they're your only source of happiness, you might become angry or sad whenever they're not around, and that can be very demanding for the other person! It makes them feel guilty, obligated and eventually, resentful towards you. One way to get rid of neediness is to prove to yourself that you don't need anyone by doing things by yourself, or being single, for an extended period of time, until you feel confident, like you want a best friend or significant other, but you definitely don't need them.

Learn to trust. Once you sort out what's going on inside, you can deal with any issues you might have in relating to other people. Neediness is often associated with a shortage of trust, and sometimes a fear of abandonment. When you find yourself doubting someone's feelings for you, or their loyalty, ask yourself why you don't trust them. Is it because they did something questionable? Or is it because someone in your past hurt you, and now you think this new person is going to do the same thing? If it's the latter, then remind yourself that it's not really fair to judge one person by another person's actions, is it? If you really care for this person, and they've earned your trust, give it to them.

Look at Google changing lives, one search at a time. 

Want a husband? Ditch your standards

So I was browsing my Yahoo! Homepage yet again and found yet another article advising women to lower their standards in order to "catch" a man. {sigh} I get the women can do the most sometimes. We have these "lists". And lofty expectations. And fears. And these things contribute to our "singledom". I get it. But when did society err...Yahoo! get so obsessed with my life as a table for one? When are we going to get over it? I got over it around the age of 22.

Let's be honest. There are days when I wish I had someone to cuddle with at 2 AM. Someone to try out a new recipe on. Or a boy to blog about in a shes-so-happy-its-sickening kind of way, but then that same "someone" would complain about all the hours I spend studying and he'll like "need" things from me. And I'll want to give him those things. Cause let's face it, when I'm in a relationship, I'm all in. And then I'll be stressed and busier than normal--if that's even possible. I think everything happens for a reason and all things work according to some kind of plan, and I think being single these past 3+ years has been beneficial for me.

Another honest fact: I haven't seen a boy in 3 years that makes me want to be busier and stressed. I haven't met a boy who I'd wanna put myself out there for. And I guess according to this Yahoo! article, I need to "lower" my standards, date outside of my box in order to find Mr. Right. There are so many problems with this assertion I don't even know where to begin:

1. Yahoo! You're assuming I have a "box" or a "type". I don't. I have never been one of those girls who wouldn't date a guy because he wasn't [insert physical attribute]. Never. I've date all kinds of guys. Tall guys. Short guys. Little guys. Big guys. I've never felt like, "Oh if you don't look like [insert sexy celebrity] I can't even talk to you." As long as you aren't FUGLY and I can find a somewhat redeeming physical quality about you, we can have a conversation. For me attraction is so much more than what a person looks like. I find personality traits ultimately make someone sexy or unsexy. Beautiful or fugly. I mean, take Heartbreaker for instance. That boy was short. Like not short for a man, short for a human being. But he was confident. He had (I hate to say it) swag.  He knew who he was. And he was sexy. I don't have a "type". I'm an equal opportunity dater. If you're confident and we can have a real conversation, you have a shot. 
2. Why do women have to "lower" their standard but a FUGLY dude can hold out for Halle Berry? This article essentially asserts that men "deserve" their dream girl by telling a potentially single DIME that she needs to give the short, balding, pudgy guy a fair shot. Now, don't get me wrong, as stated above, Mr.ShortandPudgy could be an amazing man. Maybe he does deserve a shot, but no one is telling Channing Tatum-look-alike who's 35 and living the single life to give Precious a shot because she's an AMAZING woman. Nope. We'd never do that. Its a double standard and frankly, I find if offensive. There are millions of wonderful women who just don't look like Scarlett Johanssen who get looked over every day, who if we're being honest, probably exceed whatever expectations a man would have for a mate...if only she looked like the beauty queen who'd never look at your average-looking-ass anyway. (sigh) 
3. Being single isn't a problem Yahoo! (or anyone else for that matter) that needs to solve. This isn't HIV. Or Cancer. Why is there a race to the cure for singledom? I feel as if there is a ThinkTank of people who just sit around and think "How can we get this generation of women married off?" Uh. Get a life. That's what I'm doing. Instead of counseling women on how they can get a man (that they're probably not even ready for) why don't we, oh I don't know...TEACH THEM HOW TO CONTRIBUTE SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SOCIETY. We need to be writing books/articles teaching young women how to love themselves. How to protect themselves sexually. How to have the confidence to ask for a raise at work (cause statistically, women still don't do that). I look forward to the day when we stop defining the worth of a woman based upon if she's wearing a diamond on her left ring finger. We're sending such a skewed and dangerous message to our girls. 

Let me be clear. I would love to be married one day (I'm holding out for my Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice), but as I've blogged before--a husband or lack thereof is not going to make or break my life. And I also fully understand that no man is going to want to marry an incomplete person. So I spend my days with friends and family and this blog trying to be someone I can look in the mirror and be proud of. Not making lists or destroying lists or running around trying to bamboozle someone into pledging a lifetime to me...

:STEPS OFF SOAPBOX:

Hungry.

I've never read a memoir before with the exception of The Autobiography of Malcolm X which doesn't really count because my father MADE me read that one summer. I typically read fiction or "educational" books {typically history} but I stumbled across a memoir that I'm dying to read. It's called Hungry and its written by Crystal Renn a plus-sized model. Crystal is my age. She models A LOT for Lane Bryant and Forever21's new Faith21 line and she's GORGEOUS. To "clarify" her size, she wears a size 12 which still makes me laugh that its considered "plus" but whatever. What's interesting about Crystal's story is she used to be a "normal" sized model (size 0) and had a severe eating disorder to maintain that size.

Crystal has such an important message about self-love and being happy--and the importance of being healthy. I wake up every morning and I work out. I make a concerted effort to eat healthily but I don't deprive myself of anything I want (hence the sushi meal I inhaled a few hours ago). Maintaining my health is sooo important to me--I don't want things like heart disease or diabetes to stop me from living the life I want to live. But its also important in terms of how I mentally view myself and by extension treat others.

In the past year I've come into a certain level of acceptance with myself and my body, but I won't lie and say there aren't times (many times lately) that I'm insecure and I fear that the insecurity projects towards others. I want to project confidence and a comfort in my own skin because I recognize insecurity in others around me and its such an unattractive quality. But self-confidence is an ongoing process. But the daily work outs help. It lifts my spirits to work hard...sweat it out. And this may sound bizarre, but I feel sexiest when I step off the elliptical. Sweat dripping. But hey, that's just me.

Anyway, I'm really excited about checking out Hungry. I rarely have time to read for pleasure but I'm going to try and fit this one in during Spring Break. I just have a feeling the book is going to be not only an interesting read, but provide me with some personal insights (that of course I'll share).

Isn't Crystal gorgeous???

Portrait of the Blogger as a Young (wo)Man

So last night I had a random (on my part) but interesting conversation with Frank regarding how I'm perceived by men. It started because AJL is pseudo-dating this kid I went to elementary-high school with here in Tuscaloosa and he made a comment about how I was really hot in high school or something to that effect. (1) This kid is gorgeous--uhhh...why did I not know he thought I was hot in h.s.??? [damn] (2) I never felt hot in high school. I felt awkward. [Its amazing how this whole "self-esteem" thing works.] So I decided to ask Frank (as someone who will give it to me straight--no bullshit) about his first impression(s) of me. Here's how that convo went:

 - Me: ...just a question. When you first met me--like first impression. Did you think I was pretty?

- Frank:  i thought you were pretty. your smile is what i first noticed...

you're a cute girl. sometimes you shrink away in uncomfortable situations, but when you allow yourself to be open and shine, you'll get attention

I had a pretty similar conversation with AJL who is convinced the reasons more guys don't typically approach me in bars is because I give off a "look I'm with my friends, fall the fuck back" attitude which is NOT my intention at ALL. So I went home and decided to take a long look in the mirror [literally]. I then took out the trusty camera and just began snapping black and white pictures...What I saw is the me I WANT to project to the world. I'm just a girl, who grew up watching football with her dad, who still has a case of "penis envy" and who's more comfortable in jeans/blazer or jeans/hoodie than any dress or "trendy" outfit. I usually don't wear make up and I'm goofy. Really goofy. That's what I want to give off--and that's the ME I want people to be attracted to...Its very frustrating to me that for whatever reason I'm unable to project my authentic self to others. I had fun goofing around in the mirror. I'm going to do it more often. Its the most time I've really spent with MYSELF in a looong time.

 

 

Real Women Have Curves

Ever since Glamour magazine posted the pictures of the "plus" sized models nude, I've noticed that the fashion industry has really tried to break the mold of these emaciated models everywhere. V Magazine had a "size issue" hit the stands on January 14 and here are some shots....I love it. I wanna be THIS confident in no clothes...{working on it}

 

 

 

The Princess & the Frog

"...we were so beautiful when we stood astride her ugliness. her simplicity decorated us, her guilt sanctified us, her pain made us glow with health, her awkwardness made us think we had a sense of humor. her inarticulateness made us believe we were eloquent. her poverty kept us generous. even her waking dreams we used to silence our own nightmares. and she let us, and thereby deserved our contempt. we honed our egos on her, padded our characters with her frailty, and yawned in the fantasy of our strength." --from The Bluest Eye

In my 10th grade English class we read Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye and I had my first in-depth discussion about the media and concepts of beauty. My senior year at NCSU I took a Sociology 200 class--just for fun--and we talked a lot about the images we see on television and how they influence children. While the academic in me knows it matters that film companies like Disney have never had an African-American princess...EVER, it didn't really hit me until yesterday, when I went with Favorite1L to see Disney's The Princess & the Frog.

The movie was classic Disney animation. Which is a great thing! Think Beauty & the Beast or The Little Mermaid. The film is set in post WWI New Orleans and as a lover of NOLA I thought the movie captured the spirit of the city well. The accents were subtle, yet there. There were blacks, whites and all the in between. There were black cajuns and white cajuns and vodoo people [both good and bad]. Without giving too much of the plot away, the story is about Tiana a young girl who always dreamed of opening a fancy NOLA restaurant with her father [who died in the war]. She works like 2-3 jobs trying to save her money for her dream place and makes the city's BEST beignets. When the prince who's visiting the city looking for a bride is turned into a frog by the Shadow Man he mistakes Tiana for a princess and asks her to kiss him. Hijinx ensues. Its great Disney fun!

I loved the movie! It was cute. I laughed. I got emotional. It was everything you'd want from a good Disney movie. But what really got me choked up was watching my fellow movie goers. It was a mixed race audience. Everyone seemed to just be excited about seeing the latest Disney film. But then there was this group of little black girls who had come with their mothers. And they were ALL dressed like Princess Tiana complete with a little crown. They were beautiful kids. And I realized how they look up at that screen as little Southern black girls and identify SO much with Tiana. And Tiana is a good person. She's smart, beautiful, disciplined, and hard working. And they see themselves in her! Yeah, its just a movie. But its also a powerful image for a 4 year old or 6 year old girl to see. No the movie wasn't perfect. If you look hard you can find racial shadiness anywhere. But I am proud of Disney for making a princess that EVERYONE can love who just happens to be African-American.

I'll never really know how the absence of characters like Tiana influenced me as a young child. Luckily I grew up around strong successful people who looked like me to serve as role models and tell me I was smart, talented and special. But sitting in that dark theater watching Tiana look up at the stars and dream her dreams, it really connected with me. It felt different than Mulan or The Little Mermaid. I'm glad that those young girls I saw got a chance to experience that. And based on how PACKED the theater was, I'm glad EVERYONE is getting a chance to experience and love The Princess & the Frog.

You told Harpo to beat me!

"I loves Harpo, God knows I do. But I'll kill 'em dead 'for I let him beat me!" Excuse the cheesy Color Purple reference. The thought of fat-Oprah stomping through the cornstalks towards Celie makes me laugh. Lightens up an otherwise serious post.

So I've been seeing all these commercials lately for Rihanna's big exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer. Me being the pop-culture junky that I am, I will admit I'm most likely going to tune in or at least watch the videos Perez is sure to post. While I have my own theories on the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation, it's also got me thinking about abusive relationships in general, specifically from the female point-of-view.

Let me say outright, I am NOT judging victims of abuse. In fact, if anything, I want to understand/empathize with them. I've been treated many ways by many men [ok. That doesn't sound right, but you know what I'm trying to say]. I've been treated well. I've been treated poorly. But I have NEVER been hit. Ever. Once in high school my boyfriend kind of grabbed me in a way that made me uncomfortable during a disagreement. I quickly checked him. It never happened again. But in that moment I was terrified. This summer I got into a fight with my little brother. He kind of grabbed me too. It wasn't a hit. He didn't hurt me. But it terrified me. Seriously. In that moment I felt so small and so frail and I realized while I'm the older sister, he's definitely the bigger sibling. I asked him if he was out of his EFFING mind and he backed off. I went off to a secret place and I sobbed. [Lesson? It's no fun having a physical confrontation with a man you love—especially your brother] While I would fight with all my might if a man EVER put his hands to me, I'd more than likely lose big time before it was all said and done. They're bigger and physically stronger. That scares me to the core. It makes me feel powerless.

I guess my big question is what makes a woman stay in an abusive relationship? Whether it be physically abusive or emotionally/mentally abusive? I just don't get it. I understand not loving yourself. I understand low self-esteem. I understand desperately wanting someone to love/accept you that you sacrifice what you know is right. But I don't understand a black-eye. I just don't. I don't understand accepting public infidelity. In my mind, if you're a desperate woman who is searching for validation through male love, wouldn't this guy beating you or publicly disrespecting you be evidence that this is not a man who loves you? You aren't getting what you're seeking.

I talk a lot of shit about Heartbreaker. Sometimes I think I'm being unfair to him other times I don't care if I'm being unfair or not. I think he showed me who he was [an unfaithful ass] and what he was about pretty early, I chose to ignore the bad and romanticize the good. In my head we were star-crossed lovers being kept apart by circumstance. In reality he was never emotionally available to me and despite that fact I was willing to emotionally support him and relegate myself to the position of "cutty" and all the while convinced myself he wanted me to really be "wifey". I put him up on a pedestal and then convinced myself if HE loved ME. If people saw us holding hands. If people knew I was his girl then I'd be something truly special. I know, it's a really fucked up mindset and it makes my stomach turn as I write it. But I had no sense of self-worth. My sadness and emotional pain was so severe it manifested itself physically at times. I'd be just so hurt I'd pull my hair out. I'd lock myself in my closet. I'd look in the mirror and say things like "if only you'd do X then people would love you. You'd be worth something. People would see you." Poor Heartbreaker [while he's still a selfish ass] he thought he was dealing with a "normal" girl. I like to believe he couldn't see how mucked up I really was. Even he isn't that heartless.

I bring all that up to say, no matter how painful and low my self-esteem was if Heartbreaker had even thought to hit me, I have NO doubt I would have dropped his sorry ass SO quick. He may have emotionally manipulated me [and perhaps that arguably is a form of abuse] but he never called me outside of my name, never raised a hand towards me. Never, ever. I can't imagine letting a guy hit me then convincing myself I was somehow responsible or that it was somehow ok because he "loved" me. Just thinking about that makes me want to cry. As I said before, I know what it means to hurt. I know how it feels to seemingly have everything together but on the inside be a big ole mess. And to have to carry the shame and hide the truth of a physically abusive relationship is overwhelming for me to think about.

I don't know what Rihanna is going to say to Diane Sawyer. All I know is no matter the truth behind the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation she has a unique opportunity to tell young girls that sometimes guys hit their girlfriends and that it is not ok. It might not necessarily make their guy a monster, but it does make it a relationship that can no longer continue. Because while some fucked up guy might say if you loved him, you'd understand—the greater truth is if he loved you, he wouldn't hit you. More importantly, if you loved you, you wouldn't even CONSIDER staying in that bullshit relationship.

Newsflash: you are fat

So last night I went to a house gathering [according to CE we're too old to call them house parties anymore] at a UA law alums house. Ironically, while this was a party full of grown folks there was PJ straight up college-style at the party. It was yummy. Long story short I woke up this morning with the dreaded dry-mouth and feeling like sh!t. This means I've pretty much been in bed all.day.long watching tv. MTV showed a "Made" marathon so I watched.

On one episode there was this fat girl who wanted to be made into a plus-size model. Her coach was a former plus-size supermodel. At one point during the episode the girl breaks down crying [as they always do on "Made"] and basically says she just wants to change herself--people are always calling her fat. Her coach said something that was really an A-HA moment for me: "Newsflash: You ARE fat."

At first, I was kinda like damn. I immediately thought of my favorite line from Clueless--"wow, that was way harsh Tai." But then I realized a couple of things. The coach was telling the truth. The girl was fat. It was a fact--not something that was said to make the girl feel bad. What the woman was basically telling the girl was your weight is a FACT. If you don't like the reactions you get or how you feel from that fact then do something about it. The coach also pointed out if you allow your weight to make you feel bad then you won't necessarily be happy skinny either. There will always be haters.

So. I kinda gave myself a newsflash. Akili, hunny..you are FAT. There really isn't a need to try and decipher if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. It's a fact. There are consequences associated with it and those are mine to deal with. I've been working out for the past year because I looked in the mirror and was uncomfortable with what I saw. Plus, it makes me feel good. I diet'd from January - May and I lost over 20 lbs. I do like exercising and eating better because it makes me healthier and I feel better when I'm healthier. But I also like to EAT. I like FOOD. It's really important to me [as I've blogged about before] and it keeps me at a certain weight. So I'm fat. What does that mean?

Honestly, it means nothing to me. I look in the mirror and I can honestly say I see a beautiful person. I think I'm pretty on the outside and I spend time trying to make my inside more and more beautiful everyday. I think that's what this blog is about for me--finding me and making me better--more beautiful. I spent so many years being insecure about what I looked like and I'm just so past that. My parents named me Akili about 3 years ago and Akili means wisdom. Its a heavy name to live up to. But I am wise enough to know that knowing oneself and loving oneself is an on-going process.

So I'll continue to workout and try to make better eating choices because it makes me happy to do so. But I'm tired of looking at myself and comparing to others or worrying if boys find me attractive. Some boys don't like fat girls. Some boys do. The ones who don't just won't like me. If lose weight I'll do so when I'm ready and because I want to. I guess what I'm trying to say is f*ck people's expectations of what I should look like or if people don't wanna be with me because I'm "fat". They don't know what they're missing {wink}.

So yeah. This is me. And this is what I look like. Deal with it. I have.