Piscean Problems

Despite the fact that the author is probably some random person who doesn't know shit about the Zodiac, I follow @ZodiacFacts on Twitter. Typically, I despise his tweets about Pisces. Sounds to me like Mr. ZodiacFacts got his heart stomped on by some Piscean girl and now he has a vendetta. But I digress. Today, Mr. ZodiacFacts was SPOT ON with the Piscean observations and it got me thinking about my interpersonal relationship skills (or lack there of).

These three tweets are me in a nutshell. I'm not judgmental (no matter what Frank would have you believe) but I am observant and analytical. Maybe its the history major in me, maybe its somethings from childhood--but I am fascinated by why people do the things they do. I tend to believe a lot of answers lie in the things that are unsaid between two people. The problem? I tend to fill in the blanks of the "things unsaid" with what I think is being said. Bad idea.

Early this year, Frank and I were beefing. Correction: I was beefing alone. A (now seemingly) simple misunderstanding resulted in Frank and I interacting out of necessity but not out of friendship. I felt abandoned, ignored, pissed off and a host of other emotions shemotions. And when I feel unappreciated or whatever in a friendship, I shut down. I back off. I'm gone. In friendship (or even romantic relationships) I've never wanted to be a burden or an obligation and thus have adopted the "I'm-not-going-to-make-anyone-stay-where-they-don't-wanna-be" approach. Also because of fear of abandonment issues that are best left to another post, I am inclined to leave people before they can leave me. Again. I digress.

A simple misunderstanding resulted from my observations and (over)analyzing of things unsaid. I drew conclusions. (I was wrong) And right on schedule shut down.  So here we are, two friends, not communicating over..well...nothing. Luckily, with a little help from liquid courage (1.5 bottles of Jam Jar South African wine) I was able to confront Frank about our my issues and salvage a friendship.

Unfortunately, several other friendships come to mind that aren't salvageable. Too much analyzing has occurred. Too much over thinking. Too many attempts to understand people's motives (without actually asking said people--or believing them when they explained). And all this "too much" just lead to distrust. And while I have a true-to-Pisces compassionate heart, for me, once distrust comes, this only opens the door for dishonesty and anger and the friendship is dead in the water. End of story.

So the life lesson? Stop thinking so damn much. True, people can be really shitty. If your instincts tell you someone is shitty, proceed with caution. When they prove to be shitty, let them go. People CAN be fake/dishonest/bitches/assholes/users/[insert negative adjective]. But people can also be amazing. I have to find a way to understand people, to understand situations, and to address situations without assuming I know an unsaid truth. I am an excellent thinker...need to work on being a better listener.

Adele, "Rolling in the Deep"

Words cannot express what a fan I am of Adele. I love her voice, her swag, her style. In my fantasy world, where I'm a singer, I'm an artist like Adele. Her songs are so soulful and I think anyone who's ever been in a relationship can relate. I've already pre-ordered her sophomore album, 21. I cannot WAIT to hear it.

IDK

How do you know you love someone? How do you know someone is this alleged "ONE" (not sure if I believe this "one" exists anymore)? How do you know when you're ready for the next level? What is it that you really want?

I've been pondering these questions for the past 2 months and avoiding writing this exact post because the answer to all these questions is a resounding, "I DON'T KNOW!" Lately that's been my answer to just about everything--I just don't know. I don't know anything...about anything. And that truth is frustrating and comforting all at the same time.

Pseudo Boyfriend is back with a vengeance. With talk of love and engagement rings and...children. [Heavy shit] We're talking basically daily. We're slowly falling back into a "thing". And I don't know how I feel about it...at all. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I'm always happy to see his name on the caller ID. I'm impressed that after 5 years, I'm still able to say that. I love him. I can say that without hesitation. But the same problems that split us up are still there. I live here, he lives there. He's still focused on his career/establishing himself with tunnel vision. I'm still needy and attention seeking. [Hey, I'm nothing if not self-aware]. So as much as I adore this person, let's be honest--is life trying to tell us we're incompatible? Like maybe he's just a life lesson and not a partner? Because I don't know anything about anything, I force myself to remain even and ambivalent. No expectations, no disappointment.

When it comes to relationships I feel like I've spent my life on the outside looking in. I haven't had a lot of boy friends. I've never really had a long term relationship. PB and I were together for a little over a year--that's the longest relationship. I see friends who have been together for upwards of 3, 4, 5 years and I just wonder what THAT is like?! I honestly can't imagine someone sticking with me that long. Let me rephrase: I can't imagine someone from Team Penis sticking with me that long. That's just not something I've historically experienced. So for me relationships are a lot like driving--I spent a long time watching everyone else do it. I thought I knew what it would be like...and when I finally got behind the wheel, I was completely off.

But as much as I'm inexperienced, uncertain, and frightened, I can't shake the feeling that my time is coming to get behind the proverbial wheel, again...or maybe that's just wishful thinking? LOL. Who knows. But I feel like I'm only going to learn by doing. And when it comes to relationships I'm not sure if that fear and uncertainty ever really goes away, at least when it comes to entering something new...

I don't know. 

Look at your life...

I need this shirt, as I've been living pretty reckless lately. I need a sassy gay friend to remind me to STOP. And look at my life...look at my choices. (Sigh). I've got to do better on ALL fronts--personal and professional. SMH.