Self-Mutilation?

The other day I was curled up in bed with my uncle who I had bamboozled into watching He's Just Not That Into You. We're watching it and Justin Long's character tells the annoying "I know nothing about men"-girl that women torture themselves with men who simply aren't interested in them for the thrill of it--basically for the drama.

After my winter break behavior, I must admit, I agree with Justin on that one. I have been calling Pseudo Boyfriend all winter break. Sometimes he calls me back. Sometimes he doesn't. Whenever he doesn't call me back in what I feel is an appropriate time, I get upset and swear I'm not calling him again. But then he'll call or text and I'm right back where I started. I know I said I'd sworn him off several posts ago, but you know how us girls are...[sigh] As Frank would say, we're crazy.

But I think I've hit the final straw. He didn't call me for Christmas. Not a call. Not a text. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. He ALWAYS calls me for Christmas. He told me he loved me for the first time on Christmas. Christmas is Jesus's freaking birthday?!?! No phonecall? And as the book/movie says: "if he's NOT calling you, he's just NOT that into you."

He calls me on Dec. 26 (the first day of Kwanzaa) to wish me a Belated Merry Christmas/Happy Kwanzaa. I'm busy with my family so we don't talk long. We haven't talked since. Despite 2 phone calls and 2 text messages sent by ME. I've been hella busy [excuse the use of "hella" I'm in Cali...gotta fit in with the locals]. I still MAKE time to call/text him. Why? Because despite my better/wiser judgment I'm still into him--I'm still clinging to hope [which at this point has become FALSE hope].

I will admit, part of the appeal is the "will he/won't he" call me. Part of the appeal is the drama. But the lack of Christmas calling has made it apparent. He's just NOT that INTO me. And honestly, as I've blogg'd before I don't think I even really WANT him to be into me. He should be into wifey and wifey alone. I'm not up to be anyone's sidechick.

Yes, I think women obsess over unavailable or uninterested guys for the thrill--its a self-torture of sorts. But for me and PB...the thrill is definitely gone...

:changes PB's name in my phone to DO NOT CALL OR TEXT:

Christmas Party Attire?

So in a few weeks I'll be returning to NC for the annual girLS Christmas party. I've mentioned this before--this is the party where I'm supposed to be bringing a date. There's in invite in to PB [against my better judgment] but I'm 99% sure he isn't coming. Date or no date, I wanna look fabulous for this party. We usually have an *epic* time whenever we get together and tons of pictures will be taken. This year we decided the party will be an all-black affair. While I do have a "back-up" dress I could wear, I'm kind of in the mood for something new. Below are the top (3) choices from Lane Bryant.

   1. THE JUMPSUIT: OK. So in reality, I am wary of the "jumpsuit". This is either going to be very flattering or very UNflattering. But I just envisioned myself in this outfit with a junky necklace and some sparkly studs and I got excited. The major CON of this outfit [other than it might not be flattering] is my height. I'm barely 5'3" and my legs are the shortest part of my body. I plan on trying this on in the store, but seriously doubt I'll purchase--my legs will probably do me in on this one...

2. THE SIDE-ARM RUFFLE: I really like this dress. It looks roomy and comfortable. [Which is a plus since I'll be consuming alcohol--no need for supportive undergarments. Supportive undergarments and alcohol BAD COMBO] It also is cute and feminine. Again, I'd definitely have to try this one on because sometimes roomy/comfortable can mean frumpy and bigger than reality. So we'll see...

3. THE PROTOTYPE: So I think I love this one! Its fun. Its flirty. Its pretty. It seems to be universally figure flattering and will allow one of my better assets [my bust] to shine. [Smile]. I'm really looking forward to trying this one on. The only negative is I kind of have a cheaper-version of a similar look. So I don't know if I'm willing to spend the money on this one. If I try it on and fall in love with it though, I'll purchase.

Its the most wonderful time of the year...

Ok. So I'm a Christmas FANATIC and I typically get into the Holiday spirit extremely early. Its November 3 and I am OFFICIALLY in the Holiday Spirit. I freakin' LOVE LOVE LOVE the Holidays. Now, most people like the holidays but usually for the superficial reasons--the presents, the breaks from school. Not me. I love the Holidays because it does something *magical* to the world around me. Everything just gets better.

It starts with the music. I am currently listening to a Holiday Music Channel I created on Pandora and I have not skipped ONE song. Currently, Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" is playing and I'm actually getting SHEmotional [don't judge me]. This is a really stressful time in my life with ~1 month until final exams, but I'm not stressed: I refuse to be. I'm thinking about my family. About egg nog spiked with a little "happiness" :cough: liquor. Thinking about the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story on TBS [I'm sorry, its funny when the boy almost shoots his own eye out! haha]. I'm thinking about Donny Hathaway's "This Christmas"--the BEST.CHRISTMAS.SONG.EVER. I included a picture of Mariah Carey's "Merry Christmas" because its probably the best Holiday album of all time [wow, I sounded a little Kanye West there, LOL].

Its a time when I feel the greatest love for my friends and family. I revert back to an almost child-like existence. My sisters and I still wait up all night for Santa [except as adults waiting for Santa really entails drinking cocktails and sneaking midnight samples of the Christmas gumbo]. After Christmas, there's Kwanzaa, which my family celebrates as well. Then there's the New Year, where new goals, new promises, and reflections on the past year come.

The Holiday season is just a wonderful time of year where any and everything seems possible. Forgiveness. Love. Renewed friendships. Renewed faith.

I'm officially in the holiday spirit. I hope you can join me!

All I want for Christmas is you.

Something told me it was over... 

When I saw you and her talking.
Something deep down in my soul said, 'cry girl'
When I saw you and that girl walkin', around.
I would rather, I would rather go blind, boy
Than to see you walk away from me child, no
So you see, I love you so much,
That, I don't want to watch you leave me baby.
Most of all I just don't, I just don't want to be free, no.

--"I'd Rather Go Blind," Etta James

So for the past 3 years the girLS and I have thrown a Christmas party--basically an excuse to get together, eat, drink and be merry. I don't really remember why but the first year each girl was required to bring a "date" to the party. I don't even remember who I invited that first year--which lets you know how much of a "date" he was. Anyway, I didn't get to go to the soiree last year due to exams but I'm planning on going this year.

...but there's this "date" business. Its not a big deal if I DON'T have a date--we really don't care that much. But truth is, I want to bring a date. It would require me either having someone in NC or bringing someone with me from AL. This basically isn't going to happen--but there is an even bigger problem. Not only do I want to bring a date, I want to bring a specific date. I want to bring Pseudo-Boyfriend.

I've talked about PB quite a bit on here, but never in a positive light [haha] and I don't think I've ever really explained his origins. I met him my jr year in college. He is a member of Omega Psi Phi and one of his line brothers is childhood friends with one of my girLS. We met through them. We "dated" for about a year. I put dated in quotations because we were basically a couple although it was never official on FB and he never formally asked me to be his girlfriend. But we were together for about a year--monogamously. [Hence the pseudonym Pseudo Boyfriend] It was the best and most functional relationship I've ever been in. He was the first boy to ever spend Valentine's Day with me. He got along great with my girLS. Even the parents got to meet him [that's a HUGE deal for me]. We stopped dating when PB graduated from college and I was left behind in NC without the best boy I'd ever been with. *Can we have a sad moment of silence*

Us being apart was very difficult for me. I really cared about this guy and I didn't understand why he wasn't willing to even try the long distance thing with me. At the time, I just didn't get it. While I was in my sr. year at NCSU, PB was in his first year of law school AND working full-time. Law school isn't a game [which I now understand] and PB barely had time for himself let alone me. He was rightly so focused on his education/career and not a relationship with me. My real problems came with PB the summer I started law school--he got a girlfriend and rather than call me and tell me, he left me to find out on the Facebook. Needless to say, I was LIVID. You can read my wrath HERE. I was extremely hurt and I did the 10 y.o. thing and unfriended him on Facebook. Didn't talk to him for a long time. Last Christmas my family and I went to Orlando, FL where he lives and I felt obligated to call him. He took me to a really nice dinner and it just felt so good to be in his presence. By then, I understood the realities of being in law school. He apologized for not being honest about his new GF. And that was that. We're cool.

The issue with wanting PB to be my date to the Christmas party is that he very much so has a GF. They've been together about a year and a half I guess. She lives in FL, too. Honestly, I feel jipped. In a lot of ways I feel as if she has what was supposed to be mine. PB and I talk every few months, just to catch up and we always fall back into old patterns. The conversations are so...amazing. He really gets me. He's the kind of guy you marry and because of distance he probably isn't ever going to marry ME. [sigh]. The last time we talked he felt the need to tell me that us not being together wasn't because of ME--it was strictly the distance--he just couldn't handle it. It made me feel better to know that...but I almost wish I didn't know it. Because now I miss him. A lot. All the time. I hate to think about him with this other chick but I can't do anything about it. I've been a homewrecker before--its crossed off my Bucket List and I feel NO NEED to go down that road EVER AGAIN. No man...not even PB is worth that.

...so that's my dilemma. I want to bring someone else's boyfriend [and while I had my claim first--he IS HER BOYFRIEND] to the Christmas party. It wasn't until this Christmas party business that I started thinking about PB again...it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Damn. Damn. Damn.