Realest Thing I Never Wrote - Bey Edition

We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls
“You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man”
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist – the person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes

-Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche (sampled in Beyonce's "***Flawless")

Phenomenal Woman

When I was a tween I won my first pageant. (Pause for reaction). Yes, I did a few pageants in my youth, the last when I was 15 years old. I won a few, too. Whenever I was in pageants that had a talent component I usually recited a poem. I was too shy and nervous to do anything else. Eventually, Maya Angelou's "And Still I Rise..." became my poem. I connected with that poem at a young age. I understood what it meant. That poem made me a Maya Angelou fan. 

As a Maya Angelou fan, I never truly appreciated "Phenomenal Woman" until now. This is truly a woman's poem. And it wasn't until I became a woman--someone who has survived heartache and disappointment--that I understood what Maya was really saying. 

This is a poem about confidence in spite of...well...everything. As the poem states: "I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size." Despite the things she's not, she has confidence---she's phenomenal. She's a woman. As a girl, I think I intellectually understood what Maya was saying but now I get it. Truly. As someone who spends a lot of time doubting and dwelling on her deficiencies, it's time to make "Phenomenal Woman" my poem!

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,   
The stride of my step,   
The curl of my lips.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,   
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,   
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.   
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.   
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,   
And the flash of my teeth,   
The swing in my waist,   
And the joy in my feet.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,   
They say they still can’t see.   
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,   
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.   
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.   
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,   
The bend of my hair,   
the palm of my hand,   
The need for my care.   
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 11.29.12

"Growing up happens when you start having things you look back on and wish you could change." -- Clary Fray from Cassandra Clare's City of Ashes

Realest Thing I Never Wrote - 10.22.12

"If you're miserable, make a choice. If you're still miserable, you can choose again." - Martha Beck

Realest Thing I Never Wrote: 10.6.2011

To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow—this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.— Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love

This.

All by Myself

I've blogged before about my biggest fear--the lonelies. (Apparently not a plural word, but we'll pretend). Being alone. Being abandoned. Being all by myself.  It's been a fear of mine since...always. I don't know its origins. It's been there as long as I can remember, but I think the Universe is hell bent on me overcoming this...like yesterday.

For the past month or so life has been falling apart (or maybe into place). Setting me up to be alone. But also sending me various messages--"I'll be ok alone. I can do it alone. And if you think about it you're never really alone." As yet another person walked ran out of my life (or maybe they were kicked out? I don't really know. Another post--that I'm not ready, nor probably will ever be ready to post) I have found myself truly alone. True, I have siblings to call. LS's to call. KFM to bbm. But in terms of finishing this phase of my life, this law school journey: I am for the first time truly alone.

I'm scared sh*tless. This morning in the car on the way back from Memphis I had a Bridget Jones moment. You know...THIS. There were some tears. But I'm also grateful. And humbled. I'm alone. And I'm not falling apart--at least not completely. I come home to a empty house. I curl up with me. And I make it. I'm going to gather every little bit that I have left and I'm going to finish this thing All by myself.

One by one I've lost relationships over the past few years. Some needed to be lost. Others I mourned and am still mourning. One I don't know if I'll ever understand what really went wrong. At some point I'll have to truly consider my part in all this--how do I end up the hurtee in so many situations? What am I doing wrong? This latest situation has been the worst. I want to change it, but I can't. And while I'm literally alone, I also feel alone in my hurt which sucks even more...

But I'm reminded of a favorite line from a favorite movie, The Joy Luck Club:

Losing [him/her] does not matter. It is YOU that will be found and cherished. 

So when I feel the tears come, I think about what I'm gaining...That's all I can do at this point. And think about how good it is going to be on the other side of this...

Realest Thing I Never Wrote: 03.27.11

The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.       

                                 --Marilyn Monroe

Realest Thing I Never Wrote: 2.28.11

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. 

~ Author Unknown

I really needed to hear this...Don't you love it when the Universe gives you exactly what you need???

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 1.10.11

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." 

-- Ayn Rand

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 11.01.10

There are actually things happening in my life (besides procrastination, unemployment, and stress), however my brain has yet to process such happenings--thus no posts. However, this song by Robyn pretty makes my life these days. "Indestructible" Enjoy.

"And I never was smart with love
I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultramagnetic
Not again it's taking over
This is hardcore
And I'm indestructible"

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 08.11.2010

No sleep
Today
Can't even rest when the suns down
No time
There's not enough
And nobody's watching me now

When we were children we'd play
Out in the streets just tempting fate
When we were children we'd say
That we don't the meaning of
Fear, fear, fear,
Fear, fear, fear
We don't know the meaning of...

When we were children we'd play
Out in the streets just tempting fate
When we were children we'd say
That we don't the meaning of
Fear, fear, fear,
Fear, fear, fear
We don't know the meaning of...

Wish I didn't know the meaning of...

--One Republic, "Fear"

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 08.03.2010

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't." 

--Marilyn Monroe, actress-singer

Heavy in Your Arms

So this song is on the Twilight: Eclipse soundtrack and I've been listening to it on repeat as of late. Its definitely my kind of song--thoughtful, emotive, breakup "chick" music...LOL. I don't know if I'm late to the Florence + the Machine party but I kind of love this chick's voice. Its so...soulful. Looking for more of Florence music now.

	Florence & The Machine - Heavy In Your Arms .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait,
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it's a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy. Heavy. Heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 4.21.2010

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

--John Mayer, "Stop This Train"

I will NOT shut up.

I tell you the story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way. No, this cannot be, this not knowing what you're worth, this not begin with you. My mother not know her worth until too late - too late for her, but not for me. Now we will see if not too late for you, hmm? 

--The Joy Luck Club

The Joy Luck Club is one of my favorite books/movies. Generally, I like reading literature or watching films which explore cultures--and our cultural differences. This film in particular deals with women in Chinese culture and it always resonated with me since I was young.

Many people don't believe me, but I am generally a shy person. Growing up I'd force myself to be "outgoing" at school: I was the kid who always participated in class, but was relatively quiet at home. I lived in my walk-in closest, reading my books and writing in my journal by lamplight. I made good grades but in my house that didn't make you "special," it was expected. I learned to operate within the status quo. I did what I was told. Cried when I was picked on and ready my books.

By the time I went to college I decided I no longer wanted to be the kind of woman who swallowed ill treatment, sadness, bitterness, etc. I decided I wanted a voice and to stand up for myself and what I felt was right. I developed into an outgoing and somewhat sarcastic person who all of a sudden was a "b*tch" or "mean". And I hate it.

I don't know if its because I lack a penis but people seem to have a real problem when I assert an opinion or do/say something for myself. I think relationships are important and anyone who says they don't want to be liked is a liar; but do I have to silence my voice to be liked?

I'm not prepared to do that. Ever. I've seen the consequences when little girls are taught to just "be quiet." They lack self-esteem. They hate themselves. We handicap them socially and they end up someone's doormat or punching bag or sideline.

I will not be quiet and that doesn't make me a b*tch. I am a nice person. A good person. I care about people. But I will not and cannot be quiet for ANYONE. And I won't raise my daughter to care more about others perception of her then about her own worth...her own voice.

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 3.31.2010

Everything around you is changing
Nothing stays the same
This version of myself is not permanent
Tomorrow I will be different
The Energy Never Dies
Energy cannot be destroyed
Or created
It always is
And it always will be
This is The E.N.D.
And the beginning...

-Black Eyed Peas, "Boom Boom Pow-Intro"

New State of Mind

As I sit here I'm supposed to be preparing for tomorrow's Legal Profession class but... *kanye shrug* I've had a lot on my mind, some of which is reserved for my paper journal (she's feeling a bit neglected) but some of which I feel comfortable sharing here.

I don't know when it happened or why it happen but I am in such a good place. Like a really good place. I feel firm in life decisions. I feel firm in the core things I believe in. And I feel strong. I dare not say it, but I think I'm happy. One of my favorite television shows is Grey's Anatomy and in one of my favorite scenes the main character, Meredith asks her therapist what the point of it all is--after all crappy things happen every day. The therapist responds: "Horrible things DO happen. Happiness in the face of all of that? That's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings...that's the point." 

I get that. Life hasn't been perfect lately. In fact life has been tough. School has been kicking my butt (don't feel sorry for me--I'm a chronic procrastinator). My weight has been yo-yo-ing. My personal relationships are ever-evolving. But yet, I'm here. Moving forward. That is such a huge accomplishment for me. And while some days are crappy, I tend to wake up in the morning optimistic and charged because this is my LIFE. This time next year my time as a student will be coming to an end. Forever. Its a frightening and overwhelming prospect but its invigorating as well. My LIFE is getting ready to start and I can't wait! 

My excitement about the future is only fueled by certain personal realizations I've recently discovered. As I type I'm setting beside Frank, who like me, the ever-procrastinating student, is on the phone with his girl friend rather then doing his Criminal Procedure outline :SIDE EYE: Frank and his GF have a relationship. I can't speak to the strength of it. The goodness or badness of it. I get to see it from ONE side--his. But what I do know is this girl is his best friend. And they're incredibly supportive of one another. They are friends...and lovers. And despite the 9 hour distance it works for the most part. And honestly, at a moment like this, I'm jealous. I hope they appreciate what they have...though I think they do.

Anyway, I finished a major assignment today and I just wanted to call someone. I wanted someone to be waiting on the other end of the phone, excited for me. Last night when I dragged my exhausted carcass into bed, I wanted someone to be there...or someone I could call. And I don't have anyone like that in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've got great friends and family but I want something else. And it struck me. I think I'm ready for a relationship. I'm open to it. I'm ready for it. And I'd actually like one. I want to go on dates. I want to curl up on the couch for movie nights. I want to cook for someone. I want someone to find all my little quirks endearing rather than annoying. And I want to be someone for somebody else. I think I'm in a space where I could do that.

I have never felt this way. Its something new. I actually feel like I have something to offer someone else. Its scary and exciting all at the same time.

The Realest Thing I Never Wrote 3.16.10

...I learned that dreams don't work without action. I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God, does exist. He and/or she, is right inside you. Underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame.

--Roseanne Barr, comedienne, actress, writer

The Realest Thing I Never Wrote 3.4.2010

In your life you meet people. Some you never think of again. Some you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again; but you do.

- Kevin Arnold, "The Wonder Years"

The Realest Thing I Never Wrote 2.24.10

My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And I squeeze it so tight, I can't breathe
And every time I try to be
What someone has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to achieve
But deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
I look at my environment
And wonder where the fire went
What happened to everything we used to be
I hear so many cry for help
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know His strength is within me
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny

--Lauryn Hill, "The Miseducation of Lauryn  Hill"