As I sit here I'm supposed to be preparing for tomorrow's Legal Profession class but... *kanye shrug* I've had a lot on my mind, some of which is reserved for my paper journal (she's feeling a bit neglected) but some of which I feel comfortable sharing here.
I don't know when it happened or why it happen but I am in such a good place. Like a really good place. I feel firm in life decisions. I feel firm in the core things I believe in. And I feel strong. I dare not say it, but I think I'm happy. One of my favorite television shows is Grey's Anatomy and in one of my favorite scenes the main character, Meredith asks her therapist what the point of it all is--after all crappy things happen every day. The therapist responds: "Horrible things DO happen. Happiness in the face of all of that? That's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings...that's the point."
I get that. Life hasn't been perfect lately. In fact life has been tough. School has been kicking my butt (don't feel sorry for me--I'm a chronic procrastinator). My weight has been yo-yo-ing. My personal relationships are ever-evolving. But yet, I'm here. Moving forward. That is such a huge accomplishment for me. And while some days are crappy, I tend to wake up in the morning optimistic and charged because this is my LIFE. This time next year my time as a student will be coming to an end. Forever. Its a frightening and overwhelming prospect but its invigorating as well. My LIFE is getting ready to start and I can't wait!
My excitement about the future is only fueled by certain personal realizations I've recently discovered. As I type I'm setting beside Frank, who like me, the ever-procrastinating student, is on the phone with his girl friend rather then doing his Criminal Procedure outline :SIDE EYE: Frank and his GF have a relationship. I can't speak to the strength of it. The goodness or badness of it. I get to see it from ONE side--his. But what I do know is this girl is his best friend. And they're incredibly supportive of one another. They are friends...and lovers. And despite the 9 hour distance it works for the most part. And honestly, at a moment like this, I'm jealous. I hope they appreciate what they have...though I think they do.
Anyway, I finished a major assignment today and I just wanted to call someone. I wanted someone to be waiting on the other end of the phone, excited for me. Last night when I dragged my exhausted carcass into bed, I wanted someone to be there...or someone I could call. And I don't have anyone like that in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've got great friends and family but I want something else. And it struck me. I think I'm ready for a relationship. I'm open to it. I'm ready for it. And I'd actually like one. I want to go on dates. I want to curl up on the couch for movie nights. I want to cook for someone. I want someone to find all my little quirks endearing rather than annoying. And I want to be someone for somebody else. I think I'm in a space where I could do that.
I have never felt this way. Its something new. I actually feel like I have something to offer someone else. Its scary and exciting all at the same time.
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