I've seen the light

There is no such thing as the perfect guy. He doesn't exist. This lesson I've learned over the years but even more so in the past week or so. Every guy has mucked it up at some point along the way. They are human beings and like us females, they make mistakes. Sure, their errors seem more egregious and callous, but they are mistakes nonetheless.

I have this tendency to build up the men in my life as these "perfect" specimen who can do no wrong--until they do. And then I wind up sorely disappointed and ready to lash out at the entire male race. [I'm such a person of extremes, LOL]. I am quickly learning that I can't hold this strict black and white standards for others when I am unable to live up to a similar standard for myself. I am also learning that these "great" guys really weren't THAT great to begin with, if only I'd been willing to see the truth.

Take Pseudo Boyfriend for instance, I've been swooning over him for the past month or so...feeling all nostalgic and sad that we aren't ever going to get our shot. Last night, in an instant I *snapped* right out of my fantasy world and perhaps finally saw the TRUTH.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I called PB all SHEmotional and told him how happy I was to have him in my life--we're such good friends, he gives great advice, blah blah blah [basically stroking his ego]. He echoed similar sentiment although many of his compliments towards me were sexual in nature [Shadiness #1]. But whatever, I shook it off. During the convo, his younger sister called so he said he would call me back. He never did. I wake up Sunday morning to a missed call from PB. He'd called me at 3:35 AM. Who does that? Who calls someone at damn-near 4:00 AM??? My daddy always told me nothing positive is going down after midnight and I've found that largely to be true. When a dude calls you after midnight, he usually only wants one thing--how PB thought he was going to get it long-distance is a mystery to me. [Shadiness #2] So I'm leaving the law school last night ~10 ish and I decide to give PB a call. He doesn't answer the phone. Fine. No big deal. Well he calls me back at 1:35 AM talking all sweet and shit:

-PB: Were you sleep?
-Me: Uh, yeah.
-PB: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just returning your phone call from earlier.
-Me: Oh, OK.
-PB: I miss you.
-Me: You always miss me when alcohol is involved and its after midnight
-PB: I'm not drunk. I can't miss you?
NOTE: At this point, I want  to say, "Ask wifey if you can miss me!" But I don't, I say:
-Me: You always tend to miss me after midnight, why is that???

Cricket. Cricket. Cricket.

-Me: Well, its late and I wanna get up early to study so...
-PB: OK, well I'll try to catch up with you tomorrow...before midnight
-Me: Bye.

Now, the entire time this conversation is going on, I'm flashing back to a recent conversation I had with one of my girLS, AY. She basically expressed she was concerned re: my renewed feelings for PB and reminded me of one thing--you LOSE guys they way you GET them. Meaning, while PB is talking all reckless to me while he has a girl friend, if we were to reconcile what would keep him from talking reckless or leaving me for another chick down the road?? It just hit me in the chest. I don't want him like this. And if I could GET him, I'm not sure if I want him at all. The whole business just felt SHADY. He's not respecting his relationship. I don't owe that chick ANYTHING and yet I feel like I'm more concerned for her relationship than he is. In that moment, the veil was lifted off my eyes and I suddenly didn't feel butterflies when I thought about him. I felt a little disappointed. Cause he's better than that. He isn't perfect. He's just another commitment phobic guy who has probably convinced himself he could do the commitment thing if it was with me. And by talking to him in a way that is crossing the friendship line, I am letting him know that I don't have too high standards for him or myself.

So, crush on PB is gone. The past is the past and his present is with someone else. And whether he continues that relationship or not isn't really my business. I adore him as a human being. I do think he's one of the good ones...but as of right now, he's not in MY present as anything more than an old friend. And that's that...

Signs are everywhere

So I'm at my sister's apartment in Detroit and she has this book which gives you like a romantic analysis of your Zodiac sign. I've never been a huge follower of astrology or the Zodiac, but over the years, I have found that I am a classic Pisces. Like seriously, classic. So I decide to flip through this book and see what signs I'm allegedly compatible with and what it has to say about my romantic prospects....What this book has to say is pretty damn funny. Thought I'd share  some of it:

Pisces (two fish swimming in opposite directions)

Positive Love Traits: passionate, romantic, imaginative, and sensitive lover; one of the stars of the freak show

Negative Love Traits: Kinky; prone to masochistic sexual behavior; may like threesomes [Oh word??? Uh. Not sure about these traits.]

Ruling planet: Neptune is associated with illusion, glamour, mystery, and deception

Word to the wise: Pisces people shy away from aggressive types. It will take forever to really know a Pisces.

So apparently, Pisces are freaks?? I really don't think I'm into masochistic sexual behavior [what is THAT anyway???] and I'm pretty positive I'd never engage in a threesome. But I think the "positive love traits" are pretty accurate.

"You can save yourself some energy in trying to figure out what makes the Piscean person tick. Understanding these complex people is going to be a slow process because they don't quite understand themselves. They will only allow a select few in their private domain. these water signs are complicated, emotional people whose feelings and concerns about life and loved ones run deep. The ruling planet of Pisces is Neptune, which is associated with illusion, glamour, mystery, and deception."

 I think this excerpt is pretty accurate. I think the whole point of the Pisces is that we tend to be incredibly sensitive people on the inside but work really really hard to never really show it on the outside. I think it is really hard to truly know me because I almost feel as if I put up new walls or obstacles to the real me every day because honestly, I don't trust many people. You think you know someone and then they hit you with something you never saw coming. I am not even talking about just in romantic relationships--but even friendships. Its hard to trust people. And what I've learned over the past year is that you can't put ANY behavior past ANY one. Anyone will talk shit about you behind your back. Anyone can be unfaithful. Anyone can be phony. But if I do trust someone and get into romantic relationships with them, I'm ALL IN. If I let you in, I'm compassionate, caring, and I'd do anything [sometimes even to my own detriment].

The book continues to analyze potential romantic parings between Pisces and all the other Zodiac signs. I found it interesting that my sign is historically incompatible with both Heartbreaker and Pseduo Boyfriend's signs. LOL. In fact, according to the book, PB and I operate on two totally different frequencies. And even more funny is the analysis of me and HB's sign: we both brought a lot of issues to the relationship and we KNOW it ain't gonna work--get out now and let each other out of the misery. Haha!

I'm not sure how much stock I put into astrology and what this book has to say about my Zodiac sign, but its fun. Also, I do think some of what this book had to say was very accurate. It just makes me think about me and how I approach friendships and relationships. I honestly feel like I spend so much time and energy trying to protect myself from being hurt that I miss out on some really good stuff. I dunno. It definitely gives me something to think about.

...now I'm off to figure out what the HELL "masochistic sexual behavior" is..LOL.

With arms wide open.

“Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.” --Leo F. Buscaglia 

I talk a lot about Frank on my blog--his name is getting huge on the label list. He's one of my closest friends I've made since being in law school. He is also many times my go-to guy for a lot of situations and gives me invaluable advice. That being said, another close friend I have at law school is AJL and she is a great friend, too. AJL is a girl friend in the best since of the word. The one who can call you on your ish like only a girl can. AJL and I talk [and joke] a lot about my life as a singleton. Every once in a while, AJL will share a theory-on-Akili--basically her observations about me in a social setting or re: a particular subject.

AJL's observation re: Akili and relationships: According to AJL, I'm single not because I'm not pretty or "worthy" of a relationship but because I'm closed off to the prospect of a relationship. She claims she's witnessed guys openly flirt with me and basically come one step from hitting on me and I'm simply oblivious and closed off to even the idea that a guy is giving me "the look". [I'm thinking of one instance in particular when I met a guy in the Enteprise car rental place and I SWEAR I don't think this dude was flirting. AJL SWEARS he was...hmmm.] So lately, I've been wondering if AJL is right about me being closed off towards dudes. Let's look at the evidence.

1. Frank: I love Frank. I really do. But how crazy is it that I've formed this close-ass relationship with a guy, that but for the lack of sex is a RELATIONSHIP. I call Frank my perfect boyfriend--he listens to me, he watches tv/movies with me, he goes on "romantic" dinner dates with me, and every once in a while he'll even PAY for my meal. [Despite his proclamation that a guy doesn't feed the "hoes"--only wifey, LOL. I really need to start blogging all my "Frank-isms"]. The only thing that keeps us from being a couple is the lack of intimacy. But hell, I know some real couples who aren't intimate. So basically I get a male perspective/companionship in my life without the emotional attachment/commitment of a man. Frank isn't emotionally available to me...and I like it that way. The success of our entire relationship is predicated on the fact that Frank is with someone else. I take comfort in his unavailability. Frank [an unavailable man] is pretty much the "guy" in my life right now. That's pretty closed-off, huh?
2. Pseudo Boyfriend: When I got freaked out and slipped into a mini-depression over PB, Frank asked me a pretty important question--do you really miss HIM or just the idea of him [or a guy like him]? (See why I love Frank? He asks the "bitch stop bullshitting" questions). Now, I can honestly say I miss Pseudo Boyfriend. I adore the man. And I use the term man because he's not a boy. He's respectful and kind and despite his relationship, I believe he loves me. Knowing that we probably don't have a future as a romantic couple truly saddens me. That being said, I'm once again attaching my heart to an emotionally [and physically] unavailable guy. I can sit around and blog about the good ole days with PB rather than make NEW memories with a NEW guy. Cause no matter how many awesome Skype convos and tears I shed, PSEUDO BOYFRIEND IS NOT HERE. Once again, Akili being closed off.
   
3. Insecurity: I've blogged before about ME being comfortable with my weight and what I look like. Sometimes I work out like a maniac, other times [like the past month] I tell the gym to KICK ROCKS. But every morning when I look in the mirror, I see something positive--which is huge progress for me. That being said, I am [and always have been] a realist and I recognize and accept that some men--many men--aren't looking for a girl who looks like me. I'm not skinny. I haven't been "skinny" since 6th grade. And I have no desire to be skinny. But I think when I'm out and about I assume that guys aren't hitting on me or interested in me, rather than giving them the opportunity to spit game or whatever it is guys do these days. And once I've made that assumption, I pull away before I give the guy a chance to reject me...[Wow. That was really honest. Look at me admitting shit tonight]

Ok. So maybe AJL has a point. The evidence strongly suggests that I may be a tad bit closed-off to romance in my life. What is it they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem. So here goes.

Hi, my name is Akili and I'm emotionally closed-off to men out of fear of being rejected/embarrassed/hurt.

Happy, AJL? Now that I've conceded the point, what am I going to do about it? Where there's this kid--who may or may not be interested in me [and who I may or may not be interested in]. The jury is still out. He's nothing like I've ever dated/talked to before and he's not someone I'd traditionally give the time of day. But something in my gut is telling me to step outside of my box and just be open the idea of something new. As AJL put it--worst case scenario you get a new friend. Best case? Maybe I break the 2.5 year dry spell [which V has instructed me needs to be broken by 2010...Love that girl]. So I've been flirting. I've been texting. I've been calling. I'm trying to maintain the balance between being open and being desperate. After all, a girl still likes to be pursued.

But this is a big step for me. I'm making a concerted effort to be open. With this new kid and with other people, too. I'm a lot terrified. Since my life is on this blog like an open book, I'll definitely let you know what happens...

Christmas Party Attire?

So in a few weeks I'll be returning to NC for the annual girLS Christmas party. I've mentioned this before--this is the party where I'm supposed to be bringing a date. There's in invite in to PB [against my better judgment] but I'm 99% sure he isn't coming. Date or no date, I wanna look fabulous for this party. We usually have an *epic* time whenever we get together and tons of pictures will be taken. This year we decided the party will be an all-black affair. While I do have a "back-up" dress I could wear, I'm kind of in the mood for something new. Below are the top (3) choices from Lane Bryant.

   1. THE JUMPSUIT: OK. So in reality, I am wary of the "jumpsuit". This is either going to be very flattering or very UNflattering. But I just envisioned myself in this outfit with a junky necklace and some sparkly studs and I got excited. The major CON of this outfit [other than it might not be flattering] is my height. I'm barely 5'3" and my legs are the shortest part of my body. I plan on trying this on in the store, but seriously doubt I'll purchase--my legs will probably do me in on this one...

2. THE SIDE-ARM RUFFLE: I really like this dress. It looks roomy and comfortable. [Which is a plus since I'll be consuming alcohol--no need for supportive undergarments. Supportive undergarments and alcohol BAD COMBO] It also is cute and feminine. Again, I'd definitely have to try this one on because sometimes roomy/comfortable can mean frumpy and bigger than reality. So we'll see...

3. THE PROTOTYPE: So I think I love this one! Its fun. Its flirty. Its pretty. It seems to be universally figure flattering and will allow one of my better assets [my bust] to shine. [Smile]. I'm really looking forward to trying this one on. The only negative is I kind of have a cheaper-version of a similar look. So I don't know if I'm willing to spend the money on this one. If I try it on and fall in love with it though, I'll purchase.

P.O.W.

Discovered this one online and it resonated with me...A. Keys wrote this poem for a book of poetry and performed it on Def Poetry Jam in 2005 [one of my favorite shows].

P.O.W
By Alicia Keys

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head

I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid
I am a P.O.W.

Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.

I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself
It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise

A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth

Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged yourself
By holding your tongue
I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

Michael Jackson's This Is It

I didn't sleep too well Thursday night and on top of that, I didn't do any reading for Friday's Conflicts class. I woke up around 8:00 AM on Friday thinking I (1) definitely wasn't going to make it to me 10:45 class because I was EXHAUSTED and (2) in light of the blues I'd been feeling--why not simply take a 'mental health day'? So that's what I did. I took a mental health day. I stayed in bed until about 10:45 and then I hopped up, showered, and decided to go see This Is It. I had heard from Noni that it was a pretty good flick and I thought listening to some MJ tunes would cheer me up.

Boy, did it! This Is It was a GREAT concert/filmgoing experience that reminded me how much I LOVE Michael Jackson's music, but also left me very sad--the movie is pure rehearsal footage. MJ never got to even do a full dress rehearsal. These "practices" were phenomenal. Everything from the band, the dancers, to MJ himself was on point. He did this awesome green screen work for "Smooth Criminal" and a 3-D version of Thriller where the ghosts and goblins actually come out of the screen to "attack" the audience. During "Smooth Criminal" I actually began to tear up a little bit because this concert was going to be what I sincerely wished for MJ--one more chance to shake the whole "Wacko Jacko" mess and show the world why it is he's a superstar. And he so was.

The film showcases MJ's knowledge and love of music. When the band was trying to figure out the correct way to play a song, Michael couldn't listen to it without moving his body. When he was singing, trying to "save his voice" he still sounded pitch perfect. When he was only walking through dance routines [like he did on "Thriller"] he was still keeping up with dancers half his age. SIDENOTE: "Sasha" from 90210--Dixon's NOT PREGNANT girlfriend was a dancer for This Is It. Didn't know she was a dancer at all. It was just really incredible to watch MJ in his element. He was very soft spoken. Never bossy. And yet he got across what he needed/wanted done. When he DID criticize, afterward he would say, "but it comes from here [point to his heart]. It comes from a place of love." He just seemed like a sweet guy.

There were definitely humorous moments as well. The entire movie I was thinking, "Mike, what the HELL are you wearing?" He'd come ready to work in shit like orange skinny jeans and a shiny, silver double-breasted blazer. Or a hooded jacket up top and some bright sequined gold pants. Never without his trademark loafers. Other times, when he wasn't dancing he had on this FIERCE black leather blazer with the exaggerated shoulderpads and looked INCREDIBLE. At one point, MJ asked for more bass in a song and the musician said, "So you want more booty in it?" Michael giggled like a little kid. It put a smile on my face. 

If you're even remotely a Michael Jackson fan, I definitely recommend seeing This Is It in theaters [it'll be out until Thanksgiving] or at least purchasing it when it undoubtedly comes out on DVD. I'm really glad I decided to spend part of my mental health day with Michael Jackson. I spent the rest of the day playing Wii with Frank and then I cooked homemade pizza for one of my classmates NS who introduced me to this great pumpkin-spiced beer from Michelob. Its like the PERFECT holiday beverage. Check it out if you like beer.

Below is a look at the trailer for the film:

Fight or Flight?

"We're all are choosing the exact life & relationships we are having (or not having).There are no victims, just volunteers"

This was tweet'd by Hill Harper [@hillharper] an actor on CSI:NY who is also a motivational speaker and the author of Letters to a Young Brother, Letters to a Young Sister, and most recently The Conversation (which is a book about relationships between men and women). I've read the 1st two of Hill's books and while I really enjoyed them, I wish they'd been around for 15-year-old me. That's really the audience I think could benefit most from his words of wisdom--tweens and teenagers. Anyways, I'm sitting in a boring ass class thinking about this quote--"There are no victims, just volunteers."

Not sure I agree with this one. There are DEFINITELY victims in life. Shit happens. Bottom line. I've seen people go through some things and I've been through things myself that were either just random or because of the malice, vindictiveness, or cowardice of another. I've seen people living their lives happily, until one drunken night, some guy doesn't take NO for an answer or their boyfriend is caught cheating. They didn't ask for these situations or relationships. This happened TO them. They've been victimized. I've been a victim. I've been hurt. And it does something to you. When someone hurts you or "victimizes" you, I believe we naturally react. Just like we learned in freshman biology--the body has two modes--FIGHT or FLIGHT. That's all we can do. In the face of danger, hurt,shock, whatever we can either run for our proverbial lives or we can hold our ground and fight. That's all we can really do.

Me. I'd like to think I'm a fighter. But its not quite that simple, at least not for me. I am a person of extremes. I bop around happily in my small little world until something happens and *POW* knocks me on my ass. This thing could be something huge--like my car accident, that really shook my world--or something small, like the other night's 2-hour Skype-fest with Pseudo Boyfriend which has me thinking and feeling about him again--which was something that honestly I wasn't prepared to do. When this thing--whatever it is knocks me down--I instictively stay down. I feel bad. Darkness, blahness, tears usually ensue. And I have to make the decision to stand up and fight what I've come to call "the darkness". And its hard. I'm a victim--definitely NOT a volunteer and honestly I'd much rather prefer for someone to see me struggling and whaling and come scoop me up. But this mythical "knight in shining armor" simply isn't coming.

So when I realize no one's coming to save me, I get even more upset. Even more dark. And then I get angry. And that's when the fight in me kicks in. I've spent my entire life clawing, climbing, and fighting not to be this dark, "debbie downer" kind of person. For me, feeling bad is the WORST. It takes over my LIFE and it manifests itself physically [usually with extreme fatigue], mentally [I've gotten ZERO schoolwork done this week], and spiritually.

I've been feeling down all week--ever since I talked to PB. It just reminded me that he still lives far away from me and realistically speaking isn't going to be a part of my life, at least not in the role I want him to be. And I got lonely. And the lonely caused me to just feel BAD. I've been lonely for a while. I didn't expect this to hit me so hard.

I feel like I'm rambling. I think the point I'm trying to make is yes--when something happens that triggers "the darkness" its hard to say someone is a "volunteer" to that. I think all we can control is our response to the bad--the situation or relationship that is tearing us down. We can either flee or fight. I think we'd all like to believe we're fighters and maybe we are. But fighting is tiring. Just when you defeat one opponent--one "bad patch" and are working hard to be positive--to never be a victim again, something else comes and WHAM. You can only fight so long. And the fight can be alienating. No one wants to be friends with "bitter bette" and its just hard.

...I promise I'm not on the ledge or anything. I'm just feeling the feelings and I'm very much so in the fight. Its just that this cyclical depression is exhausting and its not reflective of the person I am or want to be.

NSFFB: not suitable for facebook

So I'm on Facebook the other day, browsing through my Mini-feed and this person I went to college with has posted the above in their status. Now, I know I'm in law school and like many of my classmates are on the GRIND looking for gainful employment post-2011 graduation. Thus I am very conscious of my online identity. My Facebook account doesn't have anything on it that I find embarrassing or that an employer would look on disparagingly. Furthermore, you cannot access my profile or photos unless we're friends. That being said, as "safe" as my Facebook is, I would NEVER post a question like that as my status.

Ok. So honesty: despite my current state of celibacy I am by NO MEANS a prude. I am not embarrassed by the topic of sex and in every day conversation, the question in that status would be something I'd be tickled to hear people's answers to. But its not appropriate for a public networking site like Facebook.

People are little too comfortable online. Remember the good ole days before Facebook became in extension of our lives? When your "wall" was just one long post that if not careful could be completely erased? Its a networking site to keep up with friends--old and new? Why are we taking sexual position polls on FB? Uh. Not appropriate people. I don't know if I'm more bothered by the person who posed the question or the people who answered. I now know that John Doe likes it "standing up" with his partners legs draped over his arms. Thanks. Talk about TMI. So as I pondered what else is simply NSFFB I began browsing through my mini-feed to find other offenders. And boy did I find one:

Seriously dude? this is your STATUS????? Seriously. Now he could have gotten some amazing...I won't even USE that word. But that is your status following? You're acting very much so like Ray J in that Kim K sex tape--like this is the first person to give you some {yes, I saw the Kim K/Ray J sex tape and based on what I saw, Ray J should be thankful a girl who looks like her gave his lame ass ANY play}.  Do better, please. So sad. This inappropriate status comes from this kid I went to high school with. Good kid. Definitely wouldn't have voted him "most likely to have a NSFFB status". At least his friends are shaking their heads at him, too. SMH.

People put some dumb shit up on the their FB I guess. Forget TFLN--just browse your mini-feed, I'm sure you'll find some doozies.

Houston we have a problem.

I knew this was going to happen! Dammit! So about 2 weeks ago Pseudo Boyfriend and I end up on the phone around 2:30 AM CST discussing...whatever. It was late. I don't remember. But whenever we talk there is always a certain degree of flirting and shenanigans. He tells me I should get Skype so we can see each other when we talk [why does he need to see me?]. I meant to download Skype immediately the next day, because I'm a loser and want to be seen [sigh] but life gets in the way.

Fast forward to last night. I'm procrastinating on the mountains of studying I NEED to be doing so I first watch the Khloe & Lamar wedding special [call me crazy, but I think those fame-whores are actually in love]. After I finish wasting those 2 hours of my life, I decide to download Skype--see what all the hype is about. I shoot a few known Skype users a text [including PB] and pretend to be doing some research. I immediately get a "call" on Skype from PB!!! And we video chat! NOTE: I looked like shit last night--hair uncombed/styled, wearing a sports bra-wifebeater combo, no makeup--you get the picture. I'm comforted by the fact that I don't give a damn what I look like when talking to PB. He's kissed me--morning breath and all. He'll deal with the night's shiteous look. About 15 minutes he shoots me an IM on Skype. My first thought--why doesn't he just SAY whatever it is he's typing. The message pops up: "You're beautiful." Dammit!

Why is the universe doing this to me? Why does a kid who lives ~700 miles away say things like "you're beautiful" to me? Why does a kid who HAS A FRIGGIN' GIRL FRIEND say such things? And why can this kid still make me blush??? Damn. Damn. Damn. So I don't respond to the you're beautiful comment. I think I make some sort of awkward joke. We move on. He's watching football. I'm bullshitting around the apartment. All the while Skyping away. Eventually I'm feeling bold and send him a little Skype IM something to the effect of "You like me. You have a forbidden crush on me." He laughs and asks why his alleged crush is forbidden. I bring up "wifey". He says nothing. He never denies the crush. Again, I feel the need to break the tension so I laugh, "None of this would have happened if you would have let me wife you when I tried." He really laughs at that. We're both grinning from ear-to-ear. [Damn.]

We move on. Talk about real things--he asks me about my girLS. I ask him about his LB who's getting married. We discuss law school and job prospects. I finally get the balls to ask him about his girl friend. They aren't doing too well--I guess they're in a transitional period--from this point they're either going to sink or swim. At that moment, I decide it would be karmically WRONG for me to wish for the demise of this relationship. She's been with him for almost 2 years. She's surpassed the 1 year I had with him [although based on what he tells me my 1 year was way healthier than the bullshit relationship they're in]. I don't tell him the relationship is bullshit. I tell him I hope it works out. I'm surprisingly sincere when I say that. I mean, if he's invested 2 years with this chick there most be SOME positive attributes. I tell him I worry about him though and his perpetual desire to be the good guy--to never hurt anyone's feelings. He appreciates that I know him so well. We kind of look at each other and swoon. [If I was an outsider looking in I would be vomiting right about now].

He tells me a classmate of his came into Tuscaloosa for the LSU game. He was going to ride with him and surprise me. At the last minute the guy flew, so PB couldn't come. I would have flipped out if PB had come into town. I ask him if wifey knows who I am. He says yes. He actually talks about me a lot.

We again get back to normal chit-chat. About 2 hours have passed. He gets a phone call on his cell--its wifey. He has to go. We say goodbye.

WHY DO I LIKE HIM?!? Ugh. This always happens to me. I will not initiate any more conversations between us. I can't. My delicate little heart can't take anymore of the "you're beautifuls." can't do it. This kid knows me too well. He knows what buttons to push. Right now it doesn't FEEL like he's coming from a "player" perspective. I honestly feel like I the one that kind of got away. But he decided to wife this new chick. I didn't make that decision. And I won't initiate anymore of these "you're beautiful" convos. Can't do it.

I have a crush on my ex. Damn. Damn. Damn.

GRITS: Girl Raised In the South

When I was growing up a lot of girls used to wear "GRITS" merchandise--GRITS stands for "girl raised in the South". My parents NEVER let me wear GRITS merchandise. But today, I realized love it or hate it, I am definitely GRITS personified.

I love the South. Everything about the South. You name a negative thing about the South I'll counter with a positive. The South is my home sweet home. Especially the "dirty" South. You will never convince me that the deep South isn't one of the best places in the world. Never.

I am ashamed to admit I actually wasn't born in the South. I was born during my parents last year of residency. Akili entered this world @ 4:33 AM on Saturday, March 1, 1986 at Northside Hospital in Youngstown, Ohio. When I was 6 weeks old my parents wised up and we moved below the Mason-Dixon line to Louisville, Kentucky where I have my first memories. Louisville [pronounced Loo-a-vull no matter what Northerners try to convince you] is a magical city--home of the Kentucky Derby, Derby pie, the Louisville Slugger, and Muhammad Ali. Louisville is also the birthplace of Papa Johns pizza. Its also the place I developed my first Southern accent. My folks love to tell stories about how I used to whine and cry: "Daddy, she pulled my hair!" [pronounced herr a la Nelly] We lived on 4 acres of land that sat right on the Ohio River. The house was gorgeous--built in 1929 complete with a breakfast nook and maids quarters and a fenced in front porch! I loved everything about the Louisville house. We had a circular drive-way I used to ride my tricycle around and around and around. I learned how to ride a two-wheeler on our property and on muggy summer nights we'd go into the yard and catch lightening bugs and eat honey sickles. Ahhhh. Louisville was the life!

In the summer of 1996 we moved to Tuscaloosa, AL. Aside from the occasional summer trips to Georgia or Alabama to visit family, this was my first true experience with the deep South. Let me tell you, there's definitely a difference. While I learned to love it, the deep South isn't for the faint of heart. You've got to develop a thick skin to live down here. This was my first encounter with the Southern white boy. Boy, oh boy. The tight light-washed blue jeans. The Confederate Flag t-shirts. The requisite white boy hair cut [you know the one I'm talking about--with the bangs they can flip with the flick of their head]. I remember my first major crush was on a Southern white boy who today probably has a tattoo of "The south will rise again" or something like that. LOL. I'm serious.

Tuscaloosa is the home of the University of Alabama. Football is God. Paul "Bear" Bryant is Jesus. When you want to order a carbonated beverage you simply ask for a Coke--the waitress knows to list what kinds of Coke they have--Cola, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, etc. Tea is automatically iced and sweet unless you ask otherwise. My uncle Bobby lives in Hale County, Alabama--his profession? He runs a catfish farm and cures deer meat for the local hunters. His wife, my aunt Fannie, makes the BEST peach cobbler you will ever have in your life. No joke.

The deep South has its problems. This November, I went to vote and it was so crowded I couldn't even get a private little booth. I watched an elderly white woman rip up a ballot in which she had voted straight Democrat. She'd made a mistake. On her new ballot she individually voted for each Democrat running for office but then voted for John McCain over Barak Obama. That was a big blow. Things like the Jena 6 happen in the deep South. There are still segregated proms in rural Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Georgia. Interracial relationships are still taboo. Now this might sound weird, but I appreciate that. With the deep South you know what you're getting. You know a candidate like Obama isn't going to turn Alabama blue. You know that when the frat boys get drunk they're going to tell you how hot you are--"for a black girl" and look hungrily at your breasts. You KNOW these things and can behave accordingly.

The North likes to give the South a bad name. But Amadou Diallo, a black man was shot 41 times by "progressive" NYPD because they thought his wallet was a gun. The North has its problems with race, too. And its cold as hell. And they don't have sweet tea.

There are a few things I don't like or trust in life:

1. A dancing man
2. A SHEmotional man
3. An "E-thug"
4. Any place that doesn't have sweet tea
5. Any person who doesn't like sweet tea

Yes, GRITS is definitely a big part of my identity. I am a girl raised in the South. I say "y'all" and "finna". The South knows who and what it is. We're the home of Wayne, T.I. and Ludacris. We're very comfortable in our identity.  We're the home of Mardi Gras and all other football conferences are a JOKE compared to the powerhouse that is SEC football. We have Chic-fil-a and Popeyes. We have class. Culture. History. And communities. Another reason I love the South??? Its November and 75 degrees and GORGEOUS outside!!! God Bless the South!

You told Harpo to beat me!

"I loves Harpo, God knows I do. But I'll kill 'em dead 'for I let him beat me!" Excuse the cheesy Color Purple reference. The thought of fat-Oprah stomping through the cornstalks towards Celie makes me laugh. Lightens up an otherwise serious post.

So I've been seeing all these commercials lately for Rihanna's big exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer. Me being the pop-culture junky that I am, I will admit I'm most likely going to tune in or at least watch the videos Perez is sure to post. While I have my own theories on the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation, it's also got me thinking about abusive relationships in general, specifically from the female point-of-view.

Let me say outright, I am NOT judging victims of abuse. In fact, if anything, I want to understand/empathize with them. I've been treated many ways by many men [ok. That doesn't sound right, but you know what I'm trying to say]. I've been treated well. I've been treated poorly. But I have NEVER been hit. Ever. Once in high school my boyfriend kind of grabbed me in a way that made me uncomfortable during a disagreement. I quickly checked him. It never happened again. But in that moment I was terrified. This summer I got into a fight with my little brother. He kind of grabbed me too. It wasn't a hit. He didn't hurt me. But it terrified me. Seriously. In that moment I felt so small and so frail and I realized while I'm the older sister, he's definitely the bigger sibling. I asked him if he was out of his EFFING mind and he backed off. I went off to a secret place and I sobbed. [Lesson? It's no fun having a physical confrontation with a man you love—especially your brother] While I would fight with all my might if a man EVER put his hands to me, I'd more than likely lose big time before it was all said and done. They're bigger and physically stronger. That scares me to the core. It makes me feel powerless.

I guess my big question is what makes a woman stay in an abusive relationship? Whether it be physically abusive or emotionally/mentally abusive? I just don't get it. I understand not loving yourself. I understand low self-esteem. I understand desperately wanting someone to love/accept you that you sacrifice what you know is right. But I don't understand a black-eye. I just don't. I don't understand accepting public infidelity. In my mind, if you're a desperate woman who is searching for validation through male love, wouldn't this guy beating you or publicly disrespecting you be evidence that this is not a man who loves you? You aren't getting what you're seeking.

I talk a lot of shit about Heartbreaker. Sometimes I think I'm being unfair to him other times I don't care if I'm being unfair or not. I think he showed me who he was [an unfaithful ass] and what he was about pretty early, I chose to ignore the bad and romanticize the good. In my head we were star-crossed lovers being kept apart by circumstance. In reality he was never emotionally available to me and despite that fact I was willing to emotionally support him and relegate myself to the position of "cutty" and all the while convinced myself he wanted me to really be "wifey". I put him up on a pedestal and then convinced myself if HE loved ME. If people saw us holding hands. If people knew I was his girl then I'd be something truly special. I know, it's a really fucked up mindset and it makes my stomach turn as I write it. But I had no sense of self-worth. My sadness and emotional pain was so severe it manifested itself physically at times. I'd be just so hurt I'd pull my hair out. I'd lock myself in my closet. I'd look in the mirror and say things like "if only you'd do X then people would love you. You'd be worth something. People would see you." Poor Heartbreaker [while he's still a selfish ass] he thought he was dealing with a "normal" girl. I like to believe he couldn't see how mucked up I really was. Even he isn't that heartless.

I bring all that up to say, no matter how painful and low my self-esteem was if Heartbreaker had even thought to hit me, I have NO doubt I would have dropped his sorry ass SO quick. He may have emotionally manipulated me [and perhaps that arguably is a form of abuse] but he never called me outside of my name, never raised a hand towards me. Never, ever. I can't imagine letting a guy hit me then convincing myself I was somehow responsible or that it was somehow ok because he "loved" me. Just thinking about that makes me want to cry. As I said before, I know what it means to hurt. I know how it feels to seemingly have everything together but on the inside be a big ole mess. And to have to carry the shame and hide the truth of a physically abusive relationship is overwhelming for me to think about.

I don't know what Rihanna is going to say to Diane Sawyer. All I know is no matter the truth behind the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation she has a unique opportunity to tell young girls that sometimes guys hit their girlfriends and that it is not ok. It might not necessarily make their guy a monster, but it does make it a relationship that can no longer continue. Because while some fucked up guy might say if you loved him, you'd understand—the greater truth is if he loved you, he wouldn't hit you. More importantly, if you loved you, you wouldn't even CONSIDER staying in that bullshit relationship.

Its the most wonderful time of the year...

Ok. So I'm a Christmas FANATIC and I typically get into the Holiday spirit extremely early. Its November 3 and I am OFFICIALLY in the Holiday Spirit. I freakin' LOVE LOVE LOVE the Holidays. Now, most people like the holidays but usually for the superficial reasons--the presents, the breaks from school. Not me. I love the Holidays because it does something *magical* to the world around me. Everything just gets better.

It starts with the music. I am currently listening to a Holiday Music Channel I created on Pandora and I have not skipped ONE song. Currently, Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" is playing and I'm actually getting SHEmotional [don't judge me]. This is a really stressful time in my life with ~1 month until final exams, but I'm not stressed: I refuse to be. I'm thinking about my family. About egg nog spiked with a little "happiness" :cough: liquor. Thinking about the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story on TBS [I'm sorry, its funny when the boy almost shoots his own eye out! haha]. I'm thinking about Donny Hathaway's "This Christmas"--the BEST.CHRISTMAS.SONG.EVER. I included a picture of Mariah Carey's "Merry Christmas" because its probably the best Holiday album of all time [wow, I sounded a little Kanye West there, LOL].

Its a time when I feel the greatest love for my friends and family. I revert back to an almost child-like existence. My sisters and I still wait up all night for Santa [except as adults waiting for Santa really entails drinking cocktails and sneaking midnight samples of the Christmas gumbo]. After Christmas, there's Kwanzaa, which my family celebrates as well. Then there's the New Year, where new goals, new promises, and reflections on the past year come.

The Holiday season is just a wonderful time of year where any and everything seems possible. Forgiveness. Love. Renewed friendships. Renewed faith.

I'm officially in the holiday spirit. I hope you can join me!