Fight or Flight?

"We're all are choosing the exact life & relationships we are having (or not having).There are no victims, just volunteers"

This was tweet'd by Hill Harper [@hillharper] an actor on CSI:NY who is also a motivational speaker and the author of Letters to a Young Brother, Letters to a Young Sister, and most recently The Conversation (which is a book about relationships between men and women). I've read the 1st two of Hill's books and while I really enjoyed them, I wish they'd been around for 15-year-old me. That's really the audience I think could benefit most from his words of wisdom--tweens and teenagers. Anyways, I'm sitting in a boring ass class thinking about this quote--"There are no victims, just volunteers."

Not sure I agree with this one. There are DEFINITELY victims in life. Shit happens. Bottom line. I've seen people go through some things and I've been through things myself that were either just random or because of the malice, vindictiveness, or cowardice of another. I've seen people living their lives happily, until one drunken night, some guy doesn't take NO for an answer or their boyfriend is caught cheating. They didn't ask for these situations or relationships. This happened TO them. They've been victimized. I've been a victim. I've been hurt. And it does something to you. When someone hurts you or "victimizes" you, I believe we naturally react. Just like we learned in freshman biology--the body has two modes--FIGHT or FLIGHT. That's all we can do. In the face of danger, hurt,shock, whatever we can either run for our proverbial lives or we can hold our ground and fight. That's all we can really do.

Me. I'd like to think I'm a fighter. But its not quite that simple, at least not for me. I am a person of extremes. I bop around happily in my small little world until something happens and *POW* knocks me on my ass. This thing could be something huge--like my car accident, that really shook my world--or something small, like the other night's 2-hour Skype-fest with Pseudo Boyfriend which has me thinking and feeling about him again--which was something that honestly I wasn't prepared to do. When this thing--whatever it is knocks me down--I instictively stay down. I feel bad. Darkness, blahness, tears usually ensue. And I have to make the decision to stand up and fight what I've come to call "the darkness". And its hard. I'm a victim--definitely NOT a volunteer and honestly I'd much rather prefer for someone to see me struggling and whaling and come scoop me up. But this mythical "knight in shining armor" simply isn't coming.

So when I realize no one's coming to save me, I get even more upset. Even more dark. And then I get angry. And that's when the fight in me kicks in. I've spent my entire life clawing, climbing, and fighting not to be this dark, "debbie downer" kind of person. For me, feeling bad is the WORST. It takes over my LIFE and it manifests itself physically [usually with extreme fatigue], mentally [I've gotten ZERO schoolwork done this week], and spiritually.

I've been feeling down all week--ever since I talked to PB. It just reminded me that he still lives far away from me and realistically speaking isn't going to be a part of my life, at least not in the role I want him to be. And I got lonely. And the lonely caused me to just feel BAD. I've been lonely for a while. I didn't expect this to hit me so hard.

I feel like I'm rambling. I think the point I'm trying to make is yes--when something happens that triggers "the darkness" its hard to say someone is a "volunteer" to that. I think all we can control is our response to the bad--the situation or relationship that is tearing us down. We can either flee or fight. I think we'd all like to believe we're fighters and maybe we are. But fighting is tiring. Just when you defeat one opponent--one "bad patch" and are working hard to be positive--to never be a victim again, something else comes and WHAM. You can only fight so long. And the fight can be alienating. No one wants to be friends with "bitter bette" and its just hard.

...I promise I'm not on the ledge or anything. I'm just feeling the feelings and I'm very much so in the fight. Its just that this cyclical depression is exhausting and its not reflective of the person I am or want to be.