Just call me Mother Theresa

A lot of people know because I'm pretty candid about talking about it--it has been ~2 years + 8 months since I've been with a guy in the biblical sense {I love that phrase: "in the biblical sense"}. Frank has come to call me "Mother Theresa". V made a "you better get laid before 2010 pact" with me--yeah, I definitely didn't get laid. And people question me about my lack of intimacy quite often.

In my attempt to be more boss bitch a la nuRihanna, I've decided to take to the blog to discuss the thought process behind the lack of sex in my life.

Akili's Sexual History in a Nutshell: While I've only had a few partners since I got on the rollercoaster, it hasn't been an easy ride. I first became sexually active with a high school boyfriend who I had convinced myself I was in love with. In all honesty, all my friends were doing it. I was curious. He was more than willing. We did it. While I didn't love my first it still hurt like shit when I went out of town for a weekend and he screwed someone else. We broke up. I was embarrassed and convinced there was something wrong with me. [Typical story, no?] I didn't do it again for a long while. Heartbreaker was my #2. We all know how well that worked out...no need to rehash. The Wrestler was next and honestly, he might be my most successful encounter to date. It was just sex. Nothing else. The kid was sexy. His body was ignorant-sick. He was willing. I was willing. We didn't pretend it was anything else and when pictures of him surfaced with some other chick on FB I didn't even care. It didn't have anything to do with me. The Wrestler was purely the cutty and when things fizzled out there were no hurt feelings. Lastly there was Pseudo-Boyfriend. Another history we don't need to rehash. He was the last. While there have been hook-ups and "everything buts"--no sex. For almost three years.

I'm not really sure how the lack of sex started. I know it originally started when PB graduated from college and went away to school. We were still technically together so I was doing the whole faithful thing. Then me and some friends made a "no sorry D"-pact so a lot of people were denied. Then I got FAT and went through a phase where no one was offering. And then recently I just came to a place of peace where there was a shift from Akili's in a drought to I really don't WANT to do it with anyone. And then something amazing happened--I became FREE.

It's a powerful thing to tell yourself you aren't having sex with anyone. I've never felt so in control of my body or of my destiny in all my life. I remember the three years I spent sleeping with Heartbreaker off and on. He was ALWAYS in control. I literally relinquished control of my body to him in hopes he would give his heart in exchange [SMH]. And it felt like every time I laid down with him he took a little bit more of me and gave nothing in return. He took a lot of me with him--that I haven't been able to get back. With PB he gave a lot--or at least he tried to but in all honesty he's too selfish to give what I want and expect out of an intimate relationship. Hell, he can't even call me before midnight [sigh].

Because at this point in my life I'm ballsy enough to proclaim that I want it ALL. Not half or some. I want everything. I deserve everything. I don't wanna meet a kid. Be maaaaad into him. Sleep with him. Then have to go back to all my friends and try to decipher his mixed-ass messages which all indicate that he's NOT that into me. I'm sooooo over that shit. I'm tired of playing the game--the "is she wifey or the cutty"-game. Uhh. I am letting you know right now...I'm NOT the cutty because at this point "cutting" is not even an option...so try something else, please.

I posted earlier about how much I enjoyed Disney's The Princess & the Frog. In the film there's this adorable cajun lightning bug named Ray who's in love with Evangeline who is the North Star [yeah, the star in the sky]. Ray naively believes that Evangeline is a lightning bug who's just far away in the sky and doesn't "talk much". He has unshakable faith and love in his Evangeline even when people point out that fallacy of his belief. I've spent the duration of my sexually active years being the person to step out on faith and to give all that I had. I'm kind of over it. I'm ready to be someone's Evangeline. To mean THAT much to someone. And sex just complicates all that. People get too caught up in playing the game and I just don't wanna play anymore. I'm riding the bench for a while.

I don't know how long this "celibacy" kick is gonna last. I could decide next week to go pick up a local at the bar and be done with it--[ok...that's not very likely to happen but you get the idea]. I just know I feel in control and empowered. I feel ready to try something new. I'm free of worrying about what THIS and THAT means. I'm preparing myself to feel something real. And I'm excited about being with a guy [in the biblical sense] who feels as strongly about ME as I feel about HIM.