I have this tendency to build up the men in my life as these "perfect" specimen who can do no wrong--until they do. And then I wind up sorely disappointed and ready to lash out at the entire male race. [I'm such a person of extremes, LOL]. I am quickly learning that I can't hold this strict black and white standards for others when I am unable to live up to a similar standard for myself. I am also learning that these "great" guys really weren't THAT great to begin with, if only I'd been willing to see the truth.
Take Pseudo Boyfriend for instance, I've been swooning over him for the past month or so...feeling all nostalgic and sad that we aren't ever going to get our shot. Last night, in an instant I *snapped* right out of my fantasy world and perhaps finally saw the TRUTH.
Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I called PB all SHEmotional and told him how happy I was to have him in my life--we're such good friends, he gives great advice, blah blah blah [basically stroking his ego]. He echoed similar sentiment although many of his compliments towards me were sexual in nature [Shadiness #1]. But whatever, I shook it off. During the convo, his younger sister called so he said he would call me back. He never did. I wake up Sunday morning to a missed call from PB. He'd called me at 3:35 AM. Who does that? Who calls someone at damn-near 4:00 AM??? My daddy always told me nothing positive is going down after midnight and I've found that largely to be true. When a dude calls you after midnight, he usually only wants one thing--how PB thought he was going to get it long-distance is a mystery to me. [Shadiness #2] So I'm leaving the law school last night ~10 ish and I decide to give PB a call. He doesn't answer the phone. Fine. No big deal. Well he calls me back at 1:35 AM talking all sweet and shit:
-PB: Were you sleep?
-Me: Uh, yeah.
-PB: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just returning your phone call from earlier.
-Me: Oh, OK.
-PB: I miss you.
-Me: You always miss me when alcohol is involved and its after midnight
-PB: I'm not drunk. I can't miss you?
NOTE: At this point, I want to say, "Ask wifey if you can miss me!" But I don't, I say:
-Me: You always tend to miss me after midnight, why is that???
Cricket. Cricket. Cricket.-Me: Well, its late and I wanna get up early to study so...
-PB: OK, well I'll try to catch up with you tomorrow...before midnight
-Me: Bye.
Now, the entire time this conversation is going on, I'm flashing back to a recent conversation I had with one of my girLS, AY. She basically expressed she was concerned re: my renewed feelings for PB and reminded me of one thing--you LOSE guys they way you GET them. Meaning, while PB is talking all reckless to me while he has a girl friend, if we were to reconcile what would keep him from talking reckless or leaving me for another chick down the road?? It just hit me in the chest. I don't want him like this. And if I could GET him, I'm not sure if I want him at all. The whole business just felt SHADY. He's not respecting his relationship. I don't owe that chick ANYTHING and yet I feel like I'm more concerned for her relationship than he is. In that moment, the veil was lifted off my eyes and I suddenly didn't feel butterflies when I thought about him. I felt a little disappointed. Cause he's better than that. He isn't perfect. He's just another commitment phobic guy who has probably convinced himself he could do the commitment thing if it was with me. And by talking to him in a way that is crossing the friendship line, I am letting him know that I don't have too high standards for him or myself.
So, crush on PB is gone. The past is the past and his present is with someone else. And whether he continues that relationship or not isn't really my business. I adore him as a human being. I do think he's one of the good ones...but as of right now, he's not in MY present as anything more than an old friend. And that's that...
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