Self-Discovery Question: 10.21.09

So, as I stated before, I've decided to create a series of posts answering "self-discovery questions" I discovered via Google. Here's this week's question [its a big one]--

What do I fear most in my life right now? 

 

I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired

I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely...

...I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely

--"Scared of Lonely", Beyonce 

I think the lyrics to Beyonce's "Scared of Lonely" pretty much sum it up. I'm afraid of being alone. Cliche, right? I know, I know. But its been the constant fear in my life since I can remember. Every fear or insecurity I've ever have has stemmed back to this crippling fear of being alone. As a kid, I had extremely low self-esteem. I was skinny and awkward. So I kept my head in a book--in a fake world where by the last page all worked out. I thought I was ugly. I wanted to be pretty sooooo bad [ok--we're not talking Pecola from The Bluest Eye desperation--but I just wanted to be considered beautiful] and I wanted to be beautiful because I thought if I were pretty, people would want to be around me.

Then when I got older and realized that sometimes pretty people are bitches and people don't like bitches, I decided I wanted to have this outgoing, kickass personality. So I turned on the charm. Now let me clarify, "charming-outgoing-Adrienne" is me. But she's only one aspect of me. Sometimes I am moody. I'm extremely sensitive. And sometimes I'm quiet--not because anything is necessarily wrong but because I feel like I spend so much of my time being "on" that I just need to sit back and observe. But for the public, I downplay a lot of my complexities and am just "outgoing Adrienne" because that's what people like--and I don't wanna be alone.

In the past, I've tolerated bullsh!t in relationships and I know its because I was afraid [insert name here] was the only boy who was ever going to want me or love me. I've put up with sh!t I would read girlfriends the riot act for putting up with. But, once again, it all comes back to my fear of being alone.

Truth is I come from a crazy but loving family and everyone has a role within that family. We love hard. I love hard and with a whole heart. I'm sincere and loyal when it comes to both friendships and relationships. And while I love my family to pieces I'm not even sure if they really SEE me all the time. I spend a lot of time feeling invisible. In a lot of ways, I'm not really sure WHO I AM [hence these self-discovery posts] but I am terrified that once I do discover or create a me that I'm comfortable with and proud of, other people will reject her. I know this is largely ridiculous, but no one ever said our fears were rational.

The really crazy part is I'm so terrified of being lonely, so I act in a way to guarantee I'm surrounded by people and yet I can be in a room full of "friends" and feel absolutely alone. One of my favorite quotes is from Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man. In the book, the Invisible Man says: "I am one of the most irresponsible beings that ever lived. Irresponsibility is part of my invisibility; any way you face it, it is a denial. But to whom can I be responsible, and why should I be, when you refuse to see me?" I feel that way a lot. Like I'm just bopping through life forming these faux relationships and while we all pretend they're real, they aren't. I've just recently gotten to a point in my life where I am alright without the acceptance and validation of others. I've just recently begun to relish in spending time with just ME--catching a movie, treating myself to dinner and a glass of wine. For me those are huge steps in combatting my fear of loneliness. Because if all the world fell away and I had no one--no friends, no family. I'd still have ME. And I truly and honestly believe when the thought of just me no longer scares me the world will began to open up even further...

So yeah, I fear the lonely...