All I want for Christmas is you.

Something told me it was over... 

When I saw you and her talking.
Something deep down in my soul said, 'cry girl'
When I saw you and that girl walkin', around.
I would rather, I would rather go blind, boy
Than to see you walk away from me child, no
So you see, I love you so much,
That, I don't want to watch you leave me baby.
Most of all I just don't, I just don't want to be free, no.

--"I'd Rather Go Blind," Etta James

So for the past 3 years the girLS and I have thrown a Christmas party--basically an excuse to get together, eat, drink and be merry. I don't really remember why but the first year each girl was required to bring a "date" to the party. I don't even remember who I invited that first year--which lets you know how much of a "date" he was. Anyway, I didn't get to go to the soiree last year due to exams but I'm planning on going this year.

...but there's this "date" business. Its not a big deal if I DON'T have a date--we really don't care that much. But truth is, I want to bring a date. It would require me either having someone in NC or bringing someone with me from AL. This basically isn't going to happen--but there is an even bigger problem. Not only do I want to bring a date, I want to bring a specific date. I want to bring Pseudo-Boyfriend.

I've talked about PB quite a bit on here, but never in a positive light [haha] and I don't think I've ever really explained his origins. I met him my jr year in college. He is a member of Omega Psi Phi and one of his line brothers is childhood friends with one of my girLS. We met through them. We "dated" for about a year. I put dated in quotations because we were basically a couple although it was never official on FB and he never formally asked me to be his girlfriend. But we were together for about a year--monogamously. [Hence the pseudonym Pseudo Boyfriend] It was the best and most functional relationship I've ever been in. He was the first boy to ever spend Valentine's Day with me. He got along great with my girLS. Even the parents got to meet him [that's a HUGE deal for me]. We stopped dating when PB graduated from college and I was left behind in NC without the best boy I'd ever been with. *Can we have a sad moment of silence*

Us being apart was very difficult for me. I really cared about this guy and I didn't understand why he wasn't willing to even try the long distance thing with me. At the time, I just didn't get it. While I was in my sr. year at NCSU, PB was in his first year of law school AND working full-time. Law school isn't a game [which I now understand] and PB barely had time for himself let alone me. He was rightly so focused on his education/career and not a relationship with me. My real problems came with PB the summer I started law school--he got a girlfriend and rather than call me and tell me, he left me to find out on the Facebook. Needless to say, I was LIVID. You can read my wrath HERE. I was extremely hurt and I did the 10 y.o. thing and unfriended him on Facebook. Didn't talk to him for a long time. Last Christmas my family and I went to Orlando, FL where he lives and I felt obligated to call him. He took me to a really nice dinner and it just felt so good to be in his presence. By then, I understood the realities of being in law school. He apologized for not being honest about his new GF. And that was that. We're cool.

The issue with wanting PB to be my date to the Christmas party is that he very much so has a GF. They've been together about a year and a half I guess. She lives in FL, too. Honestly, I feel jipped. In a lot of ways I feel as if she has what was supposed to be mine. PB and I talk every few months, just to catch up and we always fall back into old patterns. The conversations are so...amazing. He really gets me. He's the kind of guy you marry and because of distance he probably isn't ever going to marry ME. [sigh]. The last time we talked he felt the need to tell me that us not being together wasn't because of ME--it was strictly the distance--he just couldn't handle it. It made me feel better to know that...but I almost wish I didn't know it. Because now I miss him. A lot. All the time. I hate to think about him with this other chick but I can't do anything about it. I've been a homewrecker before--its crossed off my Bucket List and I feel NO NEED to go down that road EVER AGAIN. No man...not even PB is worth that.

...so that's my dilemma. I want to bring someone else's boyfriend [and while I had my claim first--he IS HER BOYFRIEND] to the Christmas party. It wasn't until this Christmas party business that I started thinking about PB again...it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Damn. Damn. Damn.