I know I haven't written in a while. School has not been a joke. But I'm in the mood to procrastinate and I'm listening to some Ne-Yo so I decided to get somethings off my chest--of course its about guys---and of course its about the SAME two guys who we will simply refer to as Pseudo-Boyfriend and Heartbreaker. Both of them are trying to claw their way back into my heart/mind/life with a vengeance and I just don't think I can handle it right now.
Let's start with Pseudo-Boyfriend (PB). He's a simple case, in my opinion. Why is he still calling me? Why does he think that's okay? Because its not. After Heartbreaker messed me up, after I struggled so hard to get past that, I met PB and he was so unexpected. And I was so happy. And I said those three dreaded words and I meant it--or at least I really WANTED to mean it. And he said them too. And yet, here I am writing a hurt/pissed-off/confused entry wondering how the hell we got here. Was it my fault? Was it his fault? I don't know. All I know is that his ass has a girl friend, so there isn't really any reason from him to be calling me, right? Apparently not. About once every few weeks, he texts me "just to see how I'm doing". Negro, don't worry about how I'm doing. I'm doing GREAT when I don't hear from you. Because when I don't hear from you, I don't wonder about WHY you had time to be with whomever this new chick is, but you weren't even willing to try to be with me. I don't think about how I found out about this new chick on FACEBOOK. FACEBOOK. One more time. FACEBOOK. Do you know how humilitating that is? To think you are someone special to someone and then to find out they REALLY have someone special in their lives from the freaking FACEBOOK!!!! Needless to say I was pissed. And then, he had the audacity to say the reason he did not tell me was because he did not want to upset me while I was in my summer law class. Really? Really. REALLY?! So you are THAT much the shit, that finding out about your petty-ass girlfriend is going to mess me up academically? Uhhh. That DEFINITELY wasn't the case---I did GREAT in my summer class, despite your immaturity and shenaningans. The real reason he didn't tell me because the sneaky way he went about it was WRONG and he was too cowardly to MAN UP. Maybe I should change his alias to the cowardly lion because he punk-bitch'd his way throughout this entire situation. So, now, cowardly lion, WHY DO YOU TEXT ME??? You clearly were not concerned about my feelings this summer when you drove all the way to Birmingham, but couldn't be bothered to say hello to a woman you spent 1-year of your life with. Really? Really. Like Seriously? Birmingham??? Its like 35 minutes away! That was like pouring salt in the freaking wound. And if you cannot tell, I'm a little ticked off about it! So the bottom line is, way to be yet another person to make me feel like shit. Like I was less than someone else. Unworthy. Thanks a lot pseudo-boyfriend. Thanks for sensing out exactly when I'm little too busy to deal with all this and pop up on my fucking phone, despite the fact I UNFRIENDED YOU ON FACEBOOK, and deleted your number from my phone. Because when your damn area code pops up on my phone, it ruins my ENTIRE FUCKING DAY. Thank you, Pseduo-Boyfriend. Kudos to you!
Okay. Pause button. I need a breather. Let me listen to some Ne-Yo . . .
Now. On to Heartbreaker. I think the alias says it all. He broke my heart. Over and over again. And then one more time, just for good measure. And I loved him. I loved him so much that I gave of myself until there was literally nothing left to give. And I sacrificed what I believed and knew to be right/wrong to be his . . . I don't even know what I was. He was supposed to be my friend and he betrayed my friendship for his own benefits. He stomped all over my teenage heart and my adult heart, too. And I, like a fool let him. Hell, I know Akili means Wisdom--but maybe I should have a name that means foolish-dummy-DUMBASS. And now, he's back. He's had the best of me and now he's back for another piece. And he sounds so apologetic. He apologized for his lack of maturity. For all the times he hurt me before and was unwilling or unable to do the right thing, and he just wants our friendship back. And I'll admit, before we foolishing complicated things, we did have a pretty incredible friendship. And I'm not blaming everything on him. I am an adult. I am capable for standing up for myself and one my greatest regrets is that I failed to see I was worth defending until I had put myself through so much. I let his "affection" validate me until I *needed* it to make me feel anything positive. It makes me sad to even think about it. He doesn't understand why I'm so reluctant to risk it and trust him again, especially if all we're going to be is "friends". He doesn't get it. He doesn't know that deep down, in my most secret heart, I still think about how my last name would sound hyphenated with his. He doesn't know how much it hurt the first time. He didn't see the tears and the days without showering. He didn't see the miscellaneous guys I talked to trying to forget. He only knew I stopped calling. He didn't see and to explain it at this point would be too hurtful. So what do I do? Come back just because HE misses me? I don't know about that one. I'll definitely be praying on it. But I know that if it turns out his "I just wanna be friends" plea is bullshit, I'm nipping in the butt ASAP, because I will not risk this heart of mine again. He lost that privilege. Those fantasies about being Mrs. A. Scott-Heartbreaker are just that---fantasies and I'm not willing to jump off that cliff again. Not when he's proven he is unwilling or unable to catch me.
.: Akili
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