Dreams come true NOT free.

Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow

--"Strength, Courage & Wisdom" India.Arie

Lately I've been in a funk and I've been trying to sort it out privately. I think I'm finally ready to bring it here. I've been in a rut for the past 5 months. At first I thought it was the 'summer rut'. You know I FINALLY got a break from school the 2nd half of the summer and I didn't do ANYTHING. Well now its October and I feel like I'm STILL not doing anything.

I like law school. I really do. I'm certain I want to be an attorney and I'm invigorated by the law. With a few exceptions ANY part of the law interests me and I'm eager to learn about it. That being said, law school is draining. What gets to me is I feel like law school is purposely draining. They like watching us flip out...pull our hair out...cuss people out...screw our neighbor. They pit us against each other like some fighting dogs and sit back it watch it all unfold. I don't like it.

I've never seen such childishness and cruelty like I've seen since in law school. Its almost like we're all running a marathon--which is grueling, exhausting, and downright difficult. But aside from the 26 miles we've got to finish, you have people purposely tripping you up, putting bugs in your water, looking for ways to screw you over. I hate it. I'm not a competitive person--never have been. Never will be. I don't trust many of my classmates. I don't like many either. They're pretentious assholes who have a sense of entitlement that turns my stomach. Sometimes people seem really nice...until you realize they aren't.

I am finding it hard to just 'be'. I feel like I always have to be on my toes. I always have to be strong, witty, sassy [which is a major aspect of my personality, but not the ONLY aspect...]. To have a bad day, to have any other persona besides "sassy Adrienne" is a sin around here. Sometimes I just feel so FAKE. And I don't like it.

These days I just want to be alone. I hate being around people because I feel like they constantly want something from you--want to know if you're working this summer...want to know about your grades...but none of it is about genuine concern for you. They're scoping out the competition.

I am a nerd. I love reading/writing/thinking. I love school. That has always been a cornerstone of how I saw and defined myself. I feel like this environment is taking that from me. It ticks me off. It saddens me. Mostly, it is exhausting.

This is a new feeling for me. I don't know if I'm 'depressed' or whatever but this is a new kind of saddness for me. In the past my moods or "down patches" have been related to my feelings about ME--not being pretty...being too fat...being too this...or not enough that. This isn't that. I'm just tired. I've let this law school thing get to me.

I don't know how to fight back...