All by Myself

I've blogged before about my biggest fear--the lonelies. (Apparently not a plural word, but we'll pretend). Being alone. Being abandoned. Being all by myself.  It's been a fear of mine since...always. I don't know its origins. It's been there as long as I can remember, but I think the Universe is hell bent on me overcoming this...like yesterday.

For the past month or so life has been falling apart (or maybe into place). Setting me up to be alone. But also sending me various messages--"I'll be ok alone. I can do it alone. And if you think about it you're never really alone." As yet another person walked ran out of my life (or maybe they were kicked out? I don't really know. Another post--that I'm not ready, nor probably will ever be ready to post) I have found myself truly alone. True, I have siblings to call. LS's to call. KFM to bbm. But in terms of finishing this phase of my life, this law school journey: I am for the first time truly alone.

I'm scared sh*tless. This morning in the car on the way back from Memphis I had a Bridget Jones moment. You know...THIS. There were some tears. But I'm also grateful. And humbled. I'm alone. And I'm not falling apart--at least not completely. I come home to a empty house. I curl up with me. And I make it. I'm going to gather every little bit that I have left and I'm going to finish this thing All by myself.

One by one I've lost relationships over the past few years. Some needed to be lost. Others I mourned and am still mourning. One I don't know if I'll ever understand what really went wrong. At some point I'll have to truly consider my part in all this--how do I end up the hurtee in so many situations? What am I doing wrong? This latest situation has been the worst. I want to change it, but I can't. And while I'm literally alone, I also feel alone in my hurt which sucks even more...

But I'm reminded of a favorite line from a favorite movie, The Joy Luck Club:

Losing [him/her] does not matter. It is YOU that will be found and cherished. 

So when I feel the tears come, I think about what I'm gaining...That's all I can do at this point. And think about how good it is going to be on the other side of this...