The Golden Rule

When I was a little kid I vividly recall my father imparting upon my siblings and I what I now call "Daddy-isms". Some were original words of wisdom; others generally well-known sayings/proverbs/etc. Sometimes these little nuggets of wisdom were shared with us in the hope of teaching life lessons. Other times, I wholeheartedly believe the "Daddy-isms" were just to say something to placate the arguing children in the backseat.

I remember one particular occasion I was a little kid. Maybe 6. My Mom was probably pregnant with my little brother and we were most likely giving Mommy a break by taking some "Daddy time." My second sister was bullying me like she always did. I was whining like I always did. It wasn't fair. I didn't understand why she hated/tormented me. In this one moment I got angry. I got bold. I slapped the sh*t out of my older sister.

Big mistake. She began beating me to a pulp. I began screaming for my life. I guess my father could only ignore us for so long. He yelled. He pulled us apart. He spanked us both. And finally he imparted upon us a lecture filled with several "Daddy-isms." After going on and on and on about how we're sisters...we're supposed to love each other...blah, blah, blah, Daddy said: "And if you can't love or like each other, you should at the very least treat others the way you would want to be treated."

The Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Pretty much the basis for every interpersonal relationship I've had...ever...in life. If one subscribes to the Golden Rule, theoretically you should be kind, respectful, good, etc., to those around you and based on the rules of karma or whatever, that good is supposed to come back to you. You are supposed to be treated in kind. Well, after 25 years of practicing the Golden Rule, let me tell you: its bullsh*t and unfortunately relationships don't work that way.

I've spent a lifetime trying very hard to treat others how I would have them treat me. If you ask me to do something 99 times out of 100 I'll say "Yes." If I say "no" I probably physically am unable to fulfill your request. You need a ride to the airport....but I have class. Sure, I'll skip. You need someone to talk to but I've got an exam to study for? Sure, I'll listen. You have Mommy/Daddy issues and need to emotionally abuse someone? Sure, do your worst...f*ck my own issues...I treated boys who weren't my boyfriend LIKE a boyfriend, hoping he'd in kind grant me the title I so desperately wanted. See a pattern? I gave the best that I had...sometimes to my own detriment, hoping family, friends, and love interests would in turn mirror my behavior.

Needless to say, this plan failed...epically. This is what I've learned in my 25 years: people do mirror behavior...but its not "treat me well and I'll treat you that same kind of well in return." Instead, people must be taught how to treat you. You give the both conscious and subconscious clues about what behavior you are willing to accept. If you lay down like a doormat, you get walked over. Period. If you fail to protect yourself in the proverbial fight, they'll hit you in the face--people who don't protect themselves get hit. Period. If you hold yourself out as desperate--who wants desperation? You get looked over. And every time you passive aggressively silence your voice against offensive or painful treatment, you render yourself invisible...and let me tell you there's nothing more painful than invisibility.

So the Golden Rule: do onto others as you have them do unto you. I still say its a good policy. I will always believe in treating others with compassion and respect. But to have such high regards for others while showing very little love to yourself? It's a recipe for hurt and disaster. There's got to be a balance in it--you can ever let someone love you less than YOU love you...

Just something I've been thinking about recently.