I will NOT shut up.

I tell you the story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way. No, this cannot be, this not knowing what you're worth, this not begin with you. My mother not know her worth until too late - too late for her, but not for me. Now we will see if not too late for you, hmm? 

--The Joy Luck Club

The Joy Luck Club is one of my favorite books/movies. Generally, I like reading literature or watching films which explore cultures--and our cultural differences. This film in particular deals with women in Chinese culture and it always resonated with me since I was young.

Many people don't believe me, but I am generally a shy person. Growing up I'd force myself to be "outgoing" at school: I was the kid who always participated in class, but was relatively quiet at home. I lived in my walk-in closest, reading my books and writing in my journal by lamplight. I made good grades but in my house that didn't make you "special," it was expected. I learned to operate within the status quo. I did what I was told. Cried when I was picked on and ready my books.

By the time I went to college I decided I no longer wanted to be the kind of woman who swallowed ill treatment, sadness, bitterness, etc. I decided I wanted a voice and to stand up for myself and what I felt was right. I developed into an outgoing and somewhat sarcastic person who all of a sudden was a "b*tch" or "mean". And I hate it.

I don't know if its because I lack a penis but people seem to have a real problem when I assert an opinion or do/say something for myself. I think relationships are important and anyone who says they don't want to be liked is a liar; but do I have to silence my voice to be liked?

I'm not prepared to do that. Ever. I've seen the consequences when little girls are taught to just "be quiet." They lack self-esteem. They hate themselves. We handicap them socially and they end up someone's doormat or punching bag or sideline.

I will not be quiet and that doesn't make me a b*tch. I am a nice person. A good person. I care about people. But I will not and cannot be quiet for ANYONE. And I won't raise my daughter to care more about others perception of her then about her own worth...her own voice.