Freedom

Confession: I tend to idealize people and situations. I do.  I partially live in a fantasy world and thus I sometimes have unrealistic expectations for others which isn't always fair. I guess this is what Frank means when he says I'm judgmental.

Recently I came into contact with Heartbreaker via text message. Needless to say the convo was awkward. Then this morning I was sitting in traffic listening to Maxwell's "Pretty Wings". When Maxwell sang: "Time will bring the real end of our trial/One day they'll be no remnants/No trace, no residual feelings within ya" I started bawling...like a baby. {Ugh}

No need to rehash the history, but I need to say that despite the immense hurt he caused, HB is still probably the love of my life in the sense I've never loved someone as much or wanted a situation to work out more. And before we complicated the relationship, we were pretty good friends.

In the spirit of the memory of that dead friendship, I sent this text message:

"I hate that we aren't friends anymore...I'll always regret that we eff'd up a pretty great friendship...at least I think it was great at one time. Just wanted you to know that."

Simple enough. No blame placed. Just mourning a friendship. This was his response:

"Y regret? U said I was seasonal and that u grew owtta me...it is wat it is...I stoped talking to u because u were negative allll the time. U never thought to accept me for the man that I have become...but its cool, I have no hard feelings for u, just think times have changed and u define urself differently."

 My reaction? RAGE. I didn't "accept" the man he became? What man? I watched him cheat on EVERY girlfriend he EVER had. I went back and fooled with him after each time I swore I was finished. I sacrificed what I knew was right! What more could I have done to "accept" him? Puh-leeze.

My response:

"You know...I outgrew effing someone who not only didn't love me but loved the act more than me or our 'friendship'. You see the situation how you see it...when we were 'friends' were you a man you were proud of? But its whatever. Lose my number. You won't hear from me again."

I then unfriended him on FB. Yes, a bit immature, but necessary.

I release myself from this situation. I don't know who that man is, but it isn't the person I fell in love with. I'm not sure if that person ever existed. Maybe he's simply an idealized version of the truth. He's a stranger whom I don't want in my life. I take each lesson I learned from this situation. I forgive myself for the bad and I'm moving on.

I really don't want Heartbreaker (or Pseudo Boyfriend for that matter) to be the relationship(s) that define my romantic life. I think I deserve and am capable of so much better. And with that...I'm free!