IDK

How do you know you love someone? How do you know someone is this alleged "ONE" (not sure if I believe this "one" exists anymore)? How do you know when you're ready for the next level? What is it that you really want?

I've been pondering these questions for the past 2 months and avoiding writing this exact post because the answer to all these questions is a resounding, "I DON'T KNOW!" Lately that's been my answer to just about everything--I just don't know. I don't know anything...about anything. And that truth is frustrating and comforting all at the same time.

Pseudo Boyfriend is back with a vengeance. With talk of love and engagement rings and...children. [Heavy shit] We're talking basically daily. We're slowly falling back into a "thing". And I don't know how I feel about it...at all. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I'm always happy to see his name on the caller ID. I'm impressed that after 5 years, I'm still able to say that. I love him. I can say that without hesitation. But the same problems that split us up are still there. I live here, he lives there. He's still focused on his career/establishing himself with tunnel vision. I'm still needy and attention seeking. [Hey, I'm nothing if not self-aware]. So as much as I adore this person, let's be honest--is life trying to tell us we're incompatible? Like maybe he's just a life lesson and not a partner? Because I don't know anything about anything, I force myself to remain even and ambivalent. No expectations, no disappointment.

When it comes to relationships I feel like I've spent my life on the outside looking in. I haven't had a lot of boy friends. I've never really had a long term relationship. PB and I were together for a little over a year--that's the longest relationship. I see friends who have been together for upwards of 3, 4, 5 years and I just wonder what THAT is like?! I honestly can't imagine someone sticking with me that long. Let me rephrase: I can't imagine someone from Team Penis sticking with me that long. That's just not something I've historically experienced. So for me relationships are a lot like driving--I spent a long time watching everyone else do it. I thought I knew what it would be like...and when I finally got behind the wheel, I was completely off.

But as much as I'm inexperienced, uncertain, and frightened, I can't shake the feeling that my time is coming to get behind the proverbial wheel, again...or maybe that's just wishful thinking? LOL. Who knows. But I feel like I'm only going to learn by doing. And when it comes to relationships I'm not sure if that fear and uncertainty ever really goes away, at least when it comes to entering something new...

I don't know.