Kissing summer goodbye

Truth time.

I bullshitted this summer. Ok. Well not the whole summer. But when I should have been on the ball, I was actively bullshitting.

It all started off ok. I got an amazing summer job for the first part of the summer and I'm pretty sure I narrowed down my field of interest in terms of the law. I really like medical malpractice defense. I like the medicine. The cases are interesting to me. I'm fascinated by the law's approach. Great. I really liked the firm I worked for. It was small..a lot of personal attention and I think they liked me. I got a verbal offer back. Great.

The second half of the summer I was supposed to be working in the AGs office. I didn't go. It wasn't that I didn't want to go but I had no place to stay, my money was running low and I wanted to see my grandmother.

Granny had a stroke this summer. Its not the end of the world, because at this point after all she's been through I'm just happy she's ALIVE. She knows her name. She can dress herself...feed herself...etc. But her memory isn't too good. She'll most likely never live on her own again. Most days, while she is fully aware I'm her granddaughter and can even tell you that I am in law school, she doesn't know my name. I hate when the PT person asks her my name, because while I know she KNOWS me and loves me, it hurts everytime she admits she doesn't know. And I think it embarrasses her, too. It breaks my heart to see her struggle because Granny has always been such an independent spirit since I've known her. Her husband died 30 years ago. She's been by herself and DOING IT! She volunteers, plays bingo, and travels the country visiting her grandchildren. That's my granny. And now she needs my help to remember that its 2009! Its hard. I do not regret spending the last half of my summer with Granny. Because a few years from now, when shes most likely not on this earth anymore, these weeks will be precious memories to me. Just knowing that I was here...showing her how much I love her.

The fault is really mine. While I was here with Granny I should've written on to a law journal. But I didn't. Honestly, I just didn't *feel* like it. And now I don't know how big of a deal it is that I didn't. I'm pretty pleased with my grades. I improved from first semester, I just wonder if I've put myself at a disadvantage by NOT writing onto the journal. I dunno. I guess when I get back, I'll go talk to Prof. A or Prof. F. They'll set me straight. I just need to refocus and do the things I need to do this 2nd year.

On a personal note, NOTHING is new. No boys. Shady friends. Same ole same ole. I think if there's one thing that 2009 has taught me is that friendship is a fragile word. Complicated too. While it seems like a simple lecture, I'm just beginning to realize that everyone isn't your friend. And while I am more than painfully aware that I have some problems, I guess I've never really stopped to consider that the people who are my "friends" have problems too. And sometimes no matter how much you wanna be there for someone or call someone a friend, there problems get in the way of that. So I've basically been clinging to the people who I know are true. The people who have been there all along and distancing myself from the fake. I use to give people the benefit of the doubt...give my trust until I had a reason not to do so. I cannot do that anymore. My trust has become a limited commodity. And I hate that it has to be that way...but what are you going to do? I have to protect myself. Look out for me. Because no one else is going to. That I know for sure.

I don't talk to Heartbreaker anymore. He's no longer apart of my life. I check his facebook page every now and then [he has a new girlfriend...that I'm sure he's already cheated on] but I don't remember the last time I spoke to him. I know I text'd him when V's father passed away. It felt like the right thing to do. But I really have no desire to be in his life anymore because after all these years I've come to the conclusion that I don't know him anymore. Maybe I never did. And I don't really blame him for that. I think I created a lot of the things in him that I thought were so great. I think majority of the things I loved so much about Heartbreaker were a figment of my imagination and that isn't his fault. I set high standards for others. I create these love fantasies in my head. I cannot blame people when they cannot measure up. It isn't fair. So that's that. We're not lovers. We're not friends. We're just not.

Pseudo-Boyfriend and I talk occasionally. I usually call him. Our conversations are usually short. Friendly. A little flirty. But that's it. He still has his girlfriend but I think he's still primarily focused on himself--his education, his career. And I'm not mad at him for that. I think that's how it should be. And the more and more I do this law school thing I think THAT is why more than anything else, we didn't make it. It wasn't me. He just was into himself/school more than me. And I can't really blame him for that either. It just is what it is.

Sometimes it makes me sad that Pseudo-Boyfriend and Heartbreaker are the only two men in my life to talk about...but c'est la vie. I won't complain because honestly, I don't know what I would do with a boy right now. Don't get me wrong...I'd like the company...but I don't know if I have a relationship in me right now. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will...

This year I just wanna have some FUN FUN FUN. And with that, I kiss the summer of 2009 goodbye. I head back to Tuscaloosa on Sunday....