So I got a text over the weekend from A telling me that this mutual friend of ours [who we will refer to as MF] likes me. Now, I had a middle-school crush on MF for a few weeks a while back but it quickly diminished as I saw (1) his taste in women [imagine the complete opposite of me in EVERY WAY] and (2) got to know him better. Don’t get me wrong, MF is a nice dude. A really nice dude. And he’s smart too. But he also as some real problems and just because you can say certain things that seem perfect about a person on paper doesn’t mean that in reality they’re that perfect for you. Plus, I could list some MAJOR flaws about him, too. To put it simply, he’s just not what I’m looking for right now.
So, I was pretty shocked to get this text from A. And my reaction to it shocked me even more—I got excited. Not like in a “oh-I-still-secretly-liked-him-all-along” way but in a “I’m-just-glad-I-haven’t-lost-ALL-swag-and-someone-likes-me” kind of way. So basically, bad excitement. BAD RESPONSE.
Have I become THAT girl??? Who gets excited about the prospect of any male prospect? I hope not. Because I’m not a big fan of THAT girl. As a matter of fact, I think THAT girl is pretty pathetic and should kill herself. If A hadn’t put the idea of MF into my head, I wouldn’t have given him a second thought. But let’s have some honesty here—it’s been a long time…a long, long, long time. To be exact it’s been over 2 years. To be even more exact it’s been 833 days since I’ve been with a guy. [If I tried really hard, I could probably come up with the hours, too] I’m affectionately referred to as “the Virgin Mary”. While my celibacy has largely been by choice, I won’t pretend it hasn’t been hard. Again with the honesty: I’ve forgotten what it’s like. So when A put the idea of MF in my mind, I got that giddy feeling us ladies get when we can finally tell our girls about a new boy.
But the feeling was fleeting. I’m not attracted to him like that and while if it’s true and he does like me, I mean I’d let him down gently, but I learned a long time ago you cannot force yourself to like someone. It just ain’t happening. MF is shy when it comes to girls. If indeed he is interested in me, I seriously doubt he’ll ever do anything about it. And if by some miracle he were to say, ask me out. I’d go—as a friend. But I’d have to make it clear that there’s no future. I’ve been led on. It’s not fun. I won’t do that to someone else.
So yeah, it has been 833 days and counting. I am okay with that. I see now, I have to check myself. Can’t go jumping on the first cute boy who pays us some attention. 833+ days has to mean something. I told myself it would mean something next time—for me and for him. Because I played those, “oh I can be casual” games and I was ALWAYS the loser. I know my limitations and there is nothing about me that says casual. Casual. Yeah, I’m definitely not THAT girl.
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that it’s okay to be who you are—whether you’re a ho-ish girl, or maybe even a girl who gets excited at the prospect of ANY boy [ok…I still have some fundamental issues with THAT girl]. But no matter what kind of girl you are, you have to (1) know yourself; (2) accept the consequences of what being yourself means. For example, I know I’m not a casual girl. I’ve learned that over the years but now I have to accept that it means I might be alone for a while until I meet a man who can handle a “I’m-not-just-going-to-f*ck-you-with-no-commitment-and-not-just-a-pretend commitment-either” kind of girl.
I can accept that consequence. Because there is so much more to me and this life then catching a man. Most days I'm 100% content in my life as a singleton. As a matter of fact I rarely think of myself as "single" until some newly non-singleton points it out. THAT is what separates me from that pathetic girl whose geek’d up over some dude she wouldn’t give the time of day to YESTERDAY…
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