I'm not bitter. I'm mad as hell.

I don’t know why I let things/people that I cannot control get to me. I don’t know why I tend to harp over the things I cannot change—and even if I could change them I probably wouldn’t—bother me.

I cannot remember the last time I talked to Heartbreaker. It has been quite a while. Via facebook I am aware that he’s in a new relationship and I guess he’s “happy”. And therein lies the issue…

When I entered into the f*ck’d up situation that I’ll guess we’ll call a relationship with HB he had a girl friend. Yes. I was that girl. The girl who gets with another girls guy. I’m not proud of it. As a matter of fact, its probably the only decision in my world that truly brings me shame. Most things I consider a learning experience, but the decision to be intimate with another girl’s guy makes my stomach churn. Something similar was done to me and its embarrassing and incredibly hurtful to be lied to and played…but I did it. And as much as I wish I could, I cannot take it back.

I don’t offer this as a defense, but I would like to point out that I loved him. I loved him from the start in a I’ll-do-anything-you-ask-unhealthy-codependency kind of way. I couldn’t help myself. In my mind he was perfect—the ideal guy for me. I couldn’t see it then but he was never available to me. Not ever. During the time he was in a relationship, he was giving his heart to his girlfriend and I was giving him what she was unwilling or unable to give…

I loved him. Maybe in the beginning he did not realize how strong my feelings were, but by the end he definitely knew. I told him. I laid it all out on the line and he never returned those feelings. So I was the girl who betrayed the ultimate girl code and he didn’t even have the decency to love me back. [Bastard.]

I’ve always felt like the failure of all future relationships and the sheer difficulty I’ve had in finding upstanding guys has been karma’s way of paying me back for going after another girl’s guy. It was karma’s big “EFF YOU” to me. But if that’s the case, then WHERE THE F*CK IS HIS KARMA????

Heartbreaker is the ultimate serial monogamist. He gets into these relationships and every chick is “his queen” or some sh*t like that. He usually cheats on these girls, because god help him, he’s a serial cheater. And he typically walks away unscathed. He’s a game player…and he’s constantly meeting girls to play the game with or on. I don’t know anything about this current GF. I don’t know if he’s faithful to her…if he loves her. I know nothing. But I do know he’s on his umpteenth relationship while I’m on my 837^th day of celibacy…does that sound fair to you???

I’m willing to accept the consequences of my deceit—of my betrayal, but when does he pay? When does karma send him his swift kick in the ass???

Honestly, I’m jealous. Because while 99.9% of the time I’m perfectly content with my single life [I seriously doubt if I'd have time for a relationship]…on those days when the .01% kicks in, it infuriates me that he essentially got to have some unsuspecting girl’s cake and mine too. It just isn’t right.

So when I see him pop up on my mini-feed with new pics of him and his latest lady love…and little sugary statuses about their relationship, I’ll admit it…I’m jealous. Sad. And just a tad bit bitter. Not because I necessarily want what he has...more so I want the option... But what can I do? Not much. Continue to live the single life—doing things for MYSELF [and no one else] and serve my time on karma's sh*t list. One day the tide will turn and karma will once again be on my side. [knock on wood]