What is it about you that attracts “aint’s sh!t” dudes?

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

--Kings of Leon, “Use Somebody”

So I was reading an excerpt from the new Michelle Williams article in Vogue magazine. Michelle was very candid about raising her adorable daughter, Matilda in the spotlight and how the death of her former boyfriend and baby-daddy Heath Ledger has affected that spotlight. She also discussed how she attempted a relationship with director Spike Jonze because she somehow thought finding new love would help ease the pain of the loss of Heath but it instead only made matters more complicated. It was a very interesting read. But I digress.

In the excerpt, Michelle Williams paraphrases a quote by famous feminist Gloria Steinem—“Become the man you want to marry.” And it got me to thinking. We [women] spend a lot of time talking about what men are or are not—they ARE liars/cheats/skeezes/hotties/luvahs/boos/boys etc and ARE NOT honest/dependable/dateable/loveable etc. We read all these dating/advice books [He’s Just NOT That Into You, Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man, They Call It a Break-Up Cause It’s Broken]. Rarely do we take the time to analyze self—and aren’t we the most important person in the equation? Think about it: what if every girl dreamt up her perfect guy and then paused to ask herself, “Do I exhibit the same qualities that I require of my ideal mate? Do I treat myself they way I expect my guy to treat me?” How many of us could unequivocally say, “Yes. Absolutely”? I’m not sure I could.

Even by just considering my ideal mate and his requirements I was having a difficult time. I’m not sure who or what my ideal mate is. After a lot of thinking, I have narrowed it down to several one-worded foundational qualities—the ‘must-haves’ if you will—

1.       Honest

2.      Kind

3.      Strong

4.      Spiritual

5.      Family-Oriented

6.      Faithful

7.      Open

8.      Responsible

Then I asked the toughy—am I all of these things??? Not really. Not the way I’d want my husband to be. I won’t discuss all these qualities because this post could go on forever…but let’s take a few into consideration…

Honest: Okay. Let’s be honest. I’m not honest all the time. I tell lies of convenience. Lies to get me out of awkward situations. Lies to protect the feelings of others. They are typically white lies. Lies that theoretically shouldn’t hurt anyone, but they’re lies nonetheless. Usually the primary victim of my untruths is myself. I think I lie to myself more than anyone else. These lies come in the form of denial. I hide my true feelings from myself. I feel emotions and bury them. Deep, refusing to acknowledge them. And even worse, I sometimes let them fester. I think the dishonesty just comes from insecurity that I’ve battled my entire life. I’m a very sensitive person and in my private life that is very much so reflected—ask any of my close friends, Adrienne is SENSITIVE. But in public, particularly at school I’m always “on”. I’m “saucy” as one classmate calls me and I feel as if I were any other way it would be perceived as weakness. I refuse to show those people any weakness—they haven’t earned it. To me that’s dishonest. Yeah, I definitely need to work on that one.

Kind: Okay, generally speaking I am kind. If I let you into my heart, I typically will do anything for you short of shooting my own mother. If you need to shoot YOUR mother, I probably wouldn’t pull the trigger but would be inclined to help you cover it up. That being said, I struggle to find the balance between being kind and simply being a doormat. I will not be perceived as weak. I feel like it puts a huge target on my forehead that says “Use and ABUSE me, PLEASE!” As I type this I think back to Heartbreaker who I felt took my kindness and sincere desire to see him happy and used it against me. I’m still hardened from that. So if some kind-hearted gentleman walked into my life I probably wouldn’t even know what to do with him. I don’t think I’d know how to even trust that his kindness was even real. But when I try to assert myself and keep from being walked on I come off as bitchy and that’s not me, either. I am not a bitch. I don’t want to come off as one. It’s a balance act and I haven’t mastered it yet…

So you get the picture. I have these requirements of the potential man in my life and I have yet to consider if I’m even the kind of woman that someone else would want to spend the rest of their life with. This is why I worry when couples get married right out of college [or honestly before 25]—how can two 22-year-olds really have mastered themselves to the extent they’re willing to give someone else their best. Don’t get me wrong—the work is never done, but 22? Really? 

I can't even be honest with myself, be strong and responsible for myself [taking care of myself financially, taking responsibility for my own actions, etc.] how or why could I expect someone else to?? I need to work on my relationship with myself [think Samantha Jones SATC: the Movie]. When we attempt to force these serious romantic relationships when we aren't ready all we really do is attract OTHER PEOPLE who aren't ready. And then we end up disappointed, crying, sitting on the couch watching TBS reruns of Sex and the City eating raw chocolate chip cookie-dough...and who wants that???