Enough already!

I took a swim
In the sea of guilt and misery
To find myself on an island
In the middle of nowhere
In my solitude
I asked to know the highest truth
And what I was told
Is to let own self be true

--India Arie, "Wings of Forgiveness"

Forgiveness. I have always thought forgiveness and bitterness are the two pills most difficult to swallow. I was talking with Frank a couple of weeks ago and in one of those rare “truth-telling” moments between us he confessed that he thought I was judgmental.

Now typically I shake off observations others make about me—if we took every criticism to heart, we’d drive ourselves crazy. People ALWAYS will have something to say. But this was not the first time I have heard that I’m judgmental, so I decided to take the time to ponder the idea.

I don’t think I’m necessarily judgmental in the typical sense. When I think of judgment, I imagine superiority—I don’t not think I’m “better” than anyone or their given/chosen lifestyle. I however do observe behavior and when people do what I perceive as eff’d up stuff, I take note. Those are typically people I don’t want to fool with. I am a sensitive person—always have been—and over the years I’ve developed methods of protecting myself. Believing people when they show me who they really are is definitely a defensive skill I’ve developed over the years.

Right along with believing what I see/hear people say or do, I also have a difficult time forgiving. As much as I’m a classic people pleaser, I tend to write off those who have hurt me. I live by the “fool me once…” doctrine. I won’t be fooled again.

I know its good to forgive. I know people say its empowering when you can forgive those who have hurt you—they say forgive for YOU not for THEM. But what about when the person who needs forgiveness is yourself? I think oneself is the hardest person of all to forgive…

I was talking to my sister Noni about my anger re: Heartbreaker. I told her how his happiness paired with my stagnate love life was “karma” for the dirt I did to get him. I got pretty upset. I was crying. I then got angry because I’m tired of crying over HB’s sorry behind. But I realize now I wasn’t crying over him. I was crying for ME. I have been judging myself. I carry a lot of guilt/blame for that whole f*ck'd up relationship.

Noni shared her sage wisdom with me. She asked me how am I going to be in a relationship or even be open to the idea of a relationship if I’m still punishing myself for something that happened when I was young(er), (more) naïve, and "in love". It’s over. It’s done. I have to move on. She said those behaviors are NOT indicative of who I am—it’s just something I did and something that brings me great shame.

I am ashamed. I think my shame over what happened/what I did contributed to my loneliness. I think I have purposely shut down and tried to make myself un-want-able to protect myself from being hurt or being disappointed again. I believed in HB and he BROKE me. He was a letdown as a lover but perhaps even more hurtful, as a friend.

It’s time to get over it. I’m sick of blogging about him. [Maybe I should make AkiliMeansWisdom a no HB zone like E! is a no Speidi zone] I’m sick of this sh*t popping up in my life. I have girlfriends who's boyfriends have done MUCH worse: physical/verbal/emotional abuse, being secretly gay, stealing from them, knocking them up and leaving them, etc. Those friends come out on the otherside...

I made a choice—a bad choice. I got hurt. He’s “fine”. Okay. I’m really sorry for what I did. If I could take it all back I would. But I’m a good woman. I deserve good things. I’m taking the first steps to letting go…no matter how long it takes.