You don't know sh!t.

Okay...I promise I won't make it a habit to write "religious" postings too often--cause unlike SOME in this country, I recognize that religion/spirituality is entirely subjective and personal and has no place at the forefront of so many political issues.

To really express where I'm coming from I guess I need to tell a story. Last February, I was supposed to drive to Mississippi to go with my line sister CLP to watch her beau's Omega Psi Phi probate. I was pretty excited about seeing CLP and AJL had agreed to accompany me to the probate show. We decided to drive separate cars because I was going to be a good law student and come back the following morning, while AJL was going to stay in MS with her parents. So we're riding along I-20/59. I'm tired so I crank up the tunes to keep me awake. I also have to pee like nobodies business. I reach for my phone so I can call AJL to ask for a potty break but my car suddenly jerks to the left. I attempt to correct by pulling to the right and I completely lose control of my car. I, ignoring all drivers' ed training, slam on the breaks which causes me to spin-out. I spin right off the highway, flipping down an embankment. At that point I could do nothing but call for Jesus (which I immediately did).

I was scared. Terrified. I didn't "know" I was going to die, but I wasn't sure and that's just as scary. I was flipping down an embankment. I could see trees ahead. If I slammed into one, I knew that would probably be it. Its crazy because it all happened in probably 15 seconds but I had time to think of SO MUCH. The first conclusion I came to?--death by car accident is NOT how I wanna go. Its scary. Even if you are "ready to die" who wants to go that way? Thinking about the potential pain and all that. So, anyway, my car stops flipping. I didn't hit the tree (thank God), but my car is on its side. The drivers' door is on the ground and there's glass everywhere. I reach for my phone, I need to call AJL--does she know I'm not behind her anymore?? Then not 20 seconds after my car stopped flipping I hear a voice: "Don't move. Are you okay?"

Picture of "Nikki" after the accident. I climbed out the sunroof. RIP Nikki.

That voice belonged to Mr.Noe aka Jesus Christ. I'm serious. Mr. Noe is a truck driver who was traveling eastbound on I-20/59 (the opposite way I was traveling). He saw my accident, pulled his 18-wheeler over, crossed 4 lanes of highway and was at my car before I even had time to think about what happened. That has Christ written all over it. I'm not saying Mr. Noe was Jesus, but he was definitely sent by some higher power. He pulled me out of my sunroof, called 911, and stayed with me while my car got towed by the wreckage company. He kept telling me it was a miracle I wasn't more seriously hurt (all I had was cuts and scrapes from glass/my seatbelt). He was the sweetest man--although he did smell a little. He wouldn't give me his information so I could send him a more official thank you. He didn't want anything. He was amazing.

I never cried about the accident. As a matter of fact, I spent the next couple of days comforting AJL and my friends/family who were all more shaken up than I was. I don't know I just didn't feel it. Then about a week later one of my classmates, DC lost his mom. His mother just suddenly died of a heart attack. I don't know why, but that triggered it. I found out DC's mom was dead and I just began to sob uncontrollably. It seemed unfair. I've never met this woman, but I'm assuming she's amazing because she raised one of the sweetest, coolest kids. And she was gone. In that moment my life seemed so arbitrary. So pointless. Why am I here while DC is at home putting his mom in the ground?? I don't know.

Since then, I've come to the conclusion its not for me to know. We spend so much time labeling, judging based on our so-called religious beliefs when in all honesty, we don't know sh!t. And we won't know until we're no longer here. We're so convinced God "hates" the gays and wants us to stop them, but no one can tell me why babies die, women miscarry kids, kids get shot going to their schools, or the most amazing people lose painful and soul-stealing battles to cancer. We don't know sh!t. All we can do is our best. DC's mom is dead. I'm alive. All I can do now is my best. I can be the best daughter/sister/friend/student/etc. that I can be. I can be kind to others, put positive energy out into this world and hope that it comes back. I am so thankful for my life. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life attempting to figure it all out. Its obviously above my mental capabilities. Its not for me to understand. Its not for me to impute my own fears/prejudices on "God" and then declare people are going to "hell" because of it.

So the next time I hear a debate about gay marriage or abortion or any other topic where people so carelessly dropped the "G" word, I'm going to say, "Stop right there, cause you don't know shit!"