What Dreams May Come

Leonardo DiCaprio's latest movie, Inception is all about dreams and the subconscious. I am a believer in dreams--that our subconscious attempts to convey messages through our dreams. While I was still in the application process for ASMS I had a dream about a pretty girl with endlessly long curls in a red shirt having a conversation with me. A random girl in an insignificant dream. Several months later I met V, clad in a red shirt, with endlessly long hair at the art studio at ASMS. I'm not saying I'm clairvoyant--far from it actually, but maybe that dream was the universe's way of telling me the ASMS-journey was going to be alright? Maybe it was a sign? I don't know. But I do know I take dreams very seriously. Which makes last night's dream more than a bit disconcerting.

I had the most vivid dream last night. That I was dying. Of cancer. I was bald. And frail. And in pain. And I was only 25-years-old. I didn't get the opportunity to finish my law degree. I was living in my parents home in Kansas, and friends were coming to visit me on my deathbed. I vaguely remember some of the conversations with friends (I was trying to be brave...comfort them) but in the end I climbed into my parent's bed, into my father's arms and said: "Daddy, I'm scared." And my father cried. My dad does NOT cry. I've seen him cry twice in my entire life and they were both extreme circumstances, and the tears lasted about 1 min. The sight of my father sobbing in my dream stirred me from my sleep and I woke up around 2:00AM...crying.

I don't think I've predicted my own death. Again. I'm not clairvoyant. (Although I did give myself a mini-breast exam this morning in the shower...better to be safe....) This dream was too vivid...too real...and I remember too much of it for it just to be a meaningless dream. So using everyone's favorite research tool (Google) I looked up dream interpretations. I found THIS website which had the following to say about my "death dream":

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

The "transitional phase in your life" part makes sense. My life is going through extreme changes rather quickly. I've lost friends. I've gained friends. Friends are moving away. Friends are beginning the motherhood journey. I am about to begin my final year of law school. There's so much uncertainty in my life. And through all of it I've tried really hard to remain strong, focused, positive and aware. I've been meditating/praying. I've been spending a lot of alone time. Maybe I'm changing. Maybe I'm transitioning. Maybe I'm growing up. That's great.

I just wish my subconscious could have given me the spiritual "you go girl" without killing me in a slow, devastating, and painful way. I'm just saying.