He's my guy friend. Emphasis on FRIEND

So I'm at school trying to study. [No success on the studying front. FML] EC comes up to me and we're chit-chatting and she says "You and Frank should date." I laugh. I remind her that Frank has a girl friend. A girl friend I think is well-suited for him and as I've mentioned before, no one likes a homewrecker. Plus, I can honestly say, I don't even remotely look at Frank in that way. Frank got put in the "friend box" the day I met him. Period. End of Story.

I bring this up because the running joke in the law school is that Frank has slept with ALL THE GIRLS. This rumor [and its DEFINITELY a rumor, people] basically got started because Frank is friends with a lot of the girls in our class, me included. Frank and I spend a lot of time together. We're pretty good friends [I'm sure he will post some sarcastic comment like, "I don't really like you" or something equally lame]. It kind of bothers me that men and women can't be friends without people assuming there's a sexual or romantic element to the relationship.

Frank is my friend. Bottom line. He talks to me. I talk to him. Listen to him. He listens to me. He teases me much as I imagine an older brother would tease his younger sister. Watches TV with me. And contributes to the disease known as procrastination. I can give the same description to AJL, CPT, or even EC. We're all friends. That's it. Simply because I'm an XX and Frank is an XY there has to be sex involved?? Uh. Nope. My sister Noni doesn't think men and women can ever just be friends. She says someone ALWAYS likes someone else. In my past, that has been largely true. The mistake known as Heartbreaker started as purely a friendship and I was the one who developed more-than-friend feelings. I've crushed on a lot of my guy friends actually. But then there are some I've NEVER looked at that way...

...Honestly, a friendship is a great way to develop a relationship IF both parties want to go there. But I don't believe that male/female friendships are automatically about sex. I refuse to believe that. If that's true, I don't know. That just makes me sad. I Goggled "Can Men and Women be Friends" and found a bunch of websites that essentially all said, NO.

When I was in high school I had a ton of male friends and once my father said to me, "Every guy who is your 'friend' has thought about what it would be like to sleep with you and either decided he didn't want to or that it wouldn't be worth risking the friendship".  Now THAT I believe is true. I think that's the nature of human beings. When I meet guys, I size them up and place them in appropriate categories: friend. dateable. wifey-material. When I met Frank he sat in the back of Civil Procedure and kind of kept to himself. Honestly, I thought he was kind of lame [sorry, Frank]. By the time I realized he was awesome, we were beyond a place where I could like him romantically. We'd hung out as friends numerous times. I knew about his girlfriend and I really admired the affection he had for her.

Frank is one of my dearest friends @ law school. I feel really blessed to have him in my life. But we SHOULDN'T date. LOL. Honestly, I am a firm believer that men and women CAN be just friends. As a matter of fact, I think EVERY girl needs a good guy friend to put it all into perspective...

Attraction is beyond our will or ideas sometimes

During last year's Presidential Election, I admit it. I was an Obama-Mama! I was one of those people who was just overwhelmed by the prospect of change and Obama as our president and was so excited/amazed when he was elected president. That being said, about the only person who amazed/inspired me more than Pres. Obama last year was his wife, Michelle because she is in one word: INCREDIBLE.

I think Michelle Obama is everything that a First Lady should be: strong, intelligent, opinionated, well-spoken, and supportive. I love that she and Barak are a REAL couple. They are affectionate. They have date night. They spend time with their kids.

Michelle Obama is on the cover of the December issue of Glamour magazine and per usual she looks so vibrant and gorgeous. People.com previewed the cover story on their website. In the article, Mrs. Obama talks about finding a great guy. She says:

Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, 'Who are you as a person?' Don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. When you're dating a man, you should always feel good. ... You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole.

 Now, this is someone I'd be willing to take "finding a great guy" advice from. Recently I have had conversations about finding Mr. Right with a few people. AJL and I have talked about me opening myself up to something new--maybe stepping outside of what I think I want in a guy and give someone a little different a chance. I think that echoes Michelle's sentiments in Glamour. I've never been a "looks" kind of girl. I've dated non-traditionally cute guys before, but everyone I've ever dated I've found attractive.

What about the guy who hits on you who you DON'T necessarily find attractive? There's this guy who we'll call Bob, who is a cool ass dude. He hasn't asked me out or blantantly hit on me, but I think he recognizes the fabulousness that is me, LOL. He's such a sweet kid. But, frankly, I am NOT physically attracted to him. While I understand that his personality is great, at what point can you get past the attraction that isn't there? That's something I haven't reconciled with myself. I don't wanna sprinkle seeds with Bob just to be like, "uh nevermind." You can't force an attraction. Maybe after spending a little time with him I'd be attracted. Maybe I wouldn't. I won't take that kind of risk with his feelings, but I guess my question is how open can we really be when "trying new things" in the romance department??

I think Mrs. Obama is right. Cute is only a temporary thing. As Kanye says, "The prettiest people do the ugliest thing...", but I don't think a lack of attraction is a temporary thing. That like herpes is the gift that keeps on giving...

Anywho, I'll definitely be picking up the December issue of Glamour for more words of wisdom from the First Lady.

Shorty got class...oh behave.

I think if you've read any one of my posts its been established that I am a certified nerd-geek. I am. I admit it. I'm damn'd proud of it. I bring this up to say some of my favorite blog posts to read are about what people are doing with their lives academically. My best-blog-friend [new title for Sesh cause her blog kicks ASS and makes me think she's sitting in my living room telling me all these stories] is in what sounds like this AMAZING social work program in NYC. It sounds academically challenging but also challenging on a personal level. Reading about her social work exploits makes me wish I really could be a student professionally because SO MANY PROGRAMS sound so AMAZING

Sidenote: As I type this post I'm sitting in the law school and I'm supposed to be finishing up my 25-paged paper on anti-miscegenation laws for race, racism, and the law. Don't judge me.

So, on the off chance that people are interested in knowing about MY academic program, I've decided to write a bit about law school [a post that is NOT me bitching about law school]. So this morning I woke up @ 6:55 AM to register for Spring classes. Registration opens up @ 7 AM and I wanted to ensure I got into all the classes I wanted [again. I know I'm a loser]. I am happy to report I did get all my classes [and I just learned via Twitter that me and Frank are taking Crim Pro together. YAY!] but it was only 14 hours and I needed to take at LEAST 15 so that Spring of my 3L year I can *chill*. So I added a "mini-course" that will run from Jan. 20-Feb.24 of 2010.

Here's a look at my schedule:

I'm pretty excited about my schedule. Honestly, 2L year of law school kicks 1L years ASS. We finally get to study some of the stuff we WANT to study and I've taken some really interesting courses [see Race, Racism, and the Law which has taught me that apparently I'm militant and think EVERYTHING is racist!]. In addition to 14 hours of course work, I'm also doing an externship with a judge next semester. I'll get to spend a lot of time in the courtroom observing attorneys but perhaps even more interesting seeing things from the judges perspective. I'm super pumped about spending Friday's in the courtroom! [Eeek.]

Law school can be very draining. I spend more time at 101 Paul Bryant Drive than I do in my own home. I eat here. Sometimes watch TVhere [thank God for the internet]. This place is my life. But its days like today [when I make my schedule] that make me happy to be here. Its honestly a blessing. School, to be honest, as always been a cakewalk for me. Some people can sing. Others can dance. I do school. Its my "talent". But law school is HARD. I don't think I can put into words how "challenging" this shit is. Seriously. I usually cry regarding school at LEAST once a week. But the insane thing is I love it. I know I made the right decision in coming to law school. And THAT keeps me going when the competitiveness or the difficulty of my classes get to me.

In the past 18 months I've learned so much about myself and what I'm capable of. That excites me. So yeah. Now that I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy about school, I need to finish this damn paper!

Peacocks strut because they can't fly

Warning: this post is VERY RANDOM. Very much so "stream of consciousness"...

Since when did being beautiful become a substitute for being a good person of substance? I’m not asking this question to be facetious, I’m dead serious. Lately I’ve been surrounded by shallow people who have spent a lifetime with people doing them a disservice: SOMEONE has convinced them that their shortcomings in the personality department can somehow be fixed by being “cute”. So not the case, my dears.

Now before this post is written off as an “Akili-is-in-hater-mode” post, let me clarify. There’s nothing wrong with being beautiful. My mommy is beautiful—and not in an “I-have-to-think-she’s-beautiful-cause-she’s-my-mom” kind of way. She’s REALLY gorgeous. Just like fatness, skinniness, or intelligence, being beautiful is a fact of life. I know a lot of beautiful people. A lot of my friends are beautiful and take lots of pride in their appearance. But that’s not why I’m their friend. **Shocker: They’re actually GOOD people with personalities, morals, opinions, layers. [Shocking I know].

But lately I’ve encountered people—both men and women, but more so women—who believe that it’s okay to be stupid or its okay to be an asshole simply because they’re aesthetically pleasing. So, I’ve been pondering the question—is physical beauty a virtue?

I honestly don’t know the answer to this question. We live in a society that uplifts the beautiful people. Pretty people and ugly people alike are both bamboozled into believing that there’s worth in beauty. In one of my favorite books, The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison writes: “It had occurred to Pecola some time ago that if her eyes, those eyes that held the pictures, and knew the sights-if those eyes of hers were different, that is to say, beautiful, she herself would be different.” Is that the kind of world that we live in—if you’re beautiful doors are opened to you that are systematically shut and locked for others? Can somebody change their world just by being pretty?

This weekend Noni and I went to go see Chris Rock’s new film “Good Hair” and as is pretty obvious from the title, Rock spent a lot of time talking about how long straight hair is largely considered “good hair” in the black community. While those around me have always told me I have “good hair” and if their hair was as “good” as mine they’d cut it all off, too, I’ve experienced this “good hair” phenomenon in other ways, too—I’m largely considered more beautiful when I have long, straight hair than when my hair is short. Don’t get me wrong, people like my short haircut, but the second it gets a little length to it and I get it straightened people go CRAZY—especially boys. Frank threw a hissy fit when I cut my hair back off. And while I’m convinced I look MORE beautiful with my hair short, it’s amazing what changes for me with the different hairstyles. A different kind of man hits on me when my hair is short versus long. I’m perceived as different. It’s crazy.

I bring this all up to say, I feel sorry for people who think being beautiful is what makes them people of worth. Because looks fade darling. Looks are such a surface thing—in the end they don’t mean shit. I mean, when its all said and done I’d rather be remembered for being kind, talented, and trustworthy than for being a “bad bitch”. I mean are people seriously remembered for being "cute"??? Seriously. I feel sorry for people who have been catered to and placated just because they’re cute, rather than taking the time to develop themselves into beautiful people. Because I know some people who are GORGEOUS. I mean drop dead beautiful. But as people, they suck. And while, guys talk about how hot they are, they also quickly demean them by pointing out their shortcomings in the personality department. Ever played "marry.f*ck.kill." with some guys friends? It's illuminating.

"Sweat pants. Hair tied. Chillin' with no makeup on. That's when you're the prettiest. I hope that you don't take it wrong." --Drake

Self-Discovery Question: 10.21.09

So, as I stated before, I've decided to create a series of posts answering "self-discovery questions" I discovered via Google. Here's this week's question [its a big one]--

What do I fear most in my life right now? 

 

I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired

I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely...

...I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely

--"Scared of Lonely", Beyonce 

I think the lyrics to Beyonce's "Scared of Lonely" pretty much sum it up. I'm afraid of being alone. Cliche, right? I know, I know. But its been the constant fear in my life since I can remember. Every fear or insecurity I've ever have has stemmed back to this crippling fear of being alone. As a kid, I had extremely low self-esteem. I was skinny and awkward. So I kept my head in a book--in a fake world where by the last page all worked out. I thought I was ugly. I wanted to be pretty sooooo bad [ok--we're not talking Pecola from The Bluest Eye desperation--but I just wanted to be considered beautiful] and I wanted to be beautiful because I thought if I were pretty, people would want to be around me.

Then when I got older and realized that sometimes pretty people are bitches and people don't like bitches, I decided I wanted to have this outgoing, kickass personality. So I turned on the charm. Now let me clarify, "charming-outgoing-Adrienne" is me. But she's only one aspect of me. Sometimes I am moody. I'm extremely sensitive. And sometimes I'm quiet--not because anything is necessarily wrong but because I feel like I spend so much of my time being "on" that I just need to sit back and observe. But for the public, I downplay a lot of my complexities and am just "outgoing Adrienne" because that's what people like--and I don't wanna be alone.

In the past, I've tolerated bullsh!t in relationships and I know its because I was afraid [insert name here] was the only boy who was ever going to want me or love me. I've put up with sh!t I would read girlfriends the riot act for putting up with. But, once again, it all comes back to my fear of being alone.

Truth is I come from a crazy but loving family and everyone has a role within that family. We love hard. I love hard and with a whole heart. I'm sincere and loyal when it comes to both friendships and relationships. And while I love my family to pieces I'm not even sure if they really SEE me all the time. I spend a lot of time feeling invisible. In a lot of ways, I'm not really sure WHO I AM [hence these self-discovery posts] but I am terrified that once I do discover or create a me that I'm comfortable with and proud of, other people will reject her. I know this is largely ridiculous, but no one ever said our fears were rational.

The really crazy part is I'm so terrified of being lonely, so I act in a way to guarantee I'm surrounded by people and yet I can be in a room full of "friends" and feel absolutely alone. One of my favorite quotes is from Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man. In the book, the Invisible Man says: "I am one of the most irresponsible beings that ever lived. Irresponsibility is part of my invisibility; any way you face it, it is a denial. But to whom can I be responsible, and why should I be, when you refuse to see me?" I feel that way a lot. Like I'm just bopping through life forming these faux relationships and while we all pretend they're real, they aren't. I've just recently gotten to a point in my life where I am alright without the acceptance and validation of others. I've just recently begun to relish in spending time with just ME--catching a movie, treating myself to dinner and a glass of wine. For me those are huge steps in combatting my fear of loneliness. Because if all the world fell away and I had no one--no friends, no family. I'd still have ME. And I truly and honestly believe when the thought of just me no longer scares me the world will began to open up even further...

So yeah, I fear the lonely...

Who am I meant to be?

So this afternoon I was in SuperTarget doing a little grocery shopping and like most grocery stores on a Sunday afternoon the lines were OFF THE CHAIN. So, I spot Oprah looking snazzy on the cover of O: The Oprah Magazine and decide to see what this months issue is about. I immediately see that the main story for this month's issue is: "Who are you meant to be: a step-by-step guide to finding and fulfilling your life's purpose". I'm immediately intrigued. So, despite the fact that AJL laughs at me for reading O, I purchase the magazine [I really just need to bite the bullet and subscribe].

There's a lot of good stuff in this month's issue--one of the Columbine shooter's mother tells her heartbreaking story [I really felt for her--it was a beautifully written piece], there's a how-to-do-your-own-haircolor article [I've been coloring my own hair for years], but what really intrigued me was the main article about finding your life's purpose. There were a series of articles and ideas that I really liked but two things stuck out to me. The first are words by Anne Lamott [not sure who she is, but she can write her ass off] that have quickly made it into my quote collection [yes, I'm THAT girl, I collect quotes]. Ms. Lamott wrote: "To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are." Profound, huh? {Love it}.

As many of you know, battling depression and loving/feeling secure within myself has been the battle of my life. So these words really struck a chord with me. For me, loving myself--not the me I pretend to be or the me others perceive me to be is probably the most difficult thing I will ever do...I don't know if I'll ever achieve it, but I strive for it daily. It truly is a miracle.

The other thing from O that really stuck with me is actually from the same article by Anne Lamott. Ms. Lamott challenged the readers instead of striving to become the person you were meant to be, to simply STOP being the person you aren't. Here's an excerpt from the article:

"So the real issue is how do we gently stop being who we aren't? How do we relieve ourselves of the false fronts of people-pleasing and affectation, the obsessive need for power and security, the backpack of old pain, and the psychic Spanx that keeps us smaller and contained? Here's how I became myself: mess, failure, mistakes, disappointments, and extensive readings; limbo, indecision, setbacks, addiction, public embarrassment, and endless conversation with my best women friends..."

 Again. This really hit home for me. Life, at least for me, doesn't come with these grand and lofty revelations. I've primarily learned through trial and error. Example? Take Heartbreaker for instance. What did I learn?

1. Don't get with another chicks boy. No one likes a homewrecker.
2. To quote one of my favorite books: "if he isn't dating you, he's just NOT that into you."
   
3. When people show you who they really are, believe them. THEY AREN'T LYING!

If I hadn't endured that sh!teous "relationship" for all that time, I wouldn't know those 3 critical life lessons and wouldn't be the paragon of wisdom and romantic optimism I am today [a little sarcasm for loyal reader, Frank]. But in all seriousness, if it wasn't for the difficult time and the poor decision making on my part, I wouldn't know what the signs of THAT kind of "relationship" looked like. I wouldn't know that I can't handle the "casual thing". I wouldn't know a lot of things about myself. I used to hate it when people would say, "I don't believe in regrets--everything happens for a reason" but its true [for the most part]. I may not know who or what I'm meant to be, but a homewrecker who lets a guy walkover her heart is definitely something I've stopped being [and will NEVER be again].

And that my friends, is what I call growth!

Work Hard. Play Harder.

I know I always bitch about law school but I wanted to show you guys that I do have SOME fun. Last night the SBA [law school version of Student Government] put on a 'Cocktail Party' for the law students. Think: 3 kegs, open bar with vodka, bourbon, rum, tequila, whiskey. The works. There was a live band and a few moments of hip hop greatness. I just thought I'd share a few photos so you can see that we DO kick it in law school. Sometimes.