Painting with Broad Brush Strokes



So a few years ago I signed up for these daily emails from "The Universe" and I usually read whatever the Universe has to offer each morning before I start my day. I'll be honest, sometimes the Universe is cheesy, a little too positive, and downright annoying. Other times the Universe is so on point with thoughts, issues, and ideas in my life, its scary. Case-in-point. This email from the Universe encouraging me to dream in broad brush strokes.

Yup.

This has been a life lesson that's been whispering (and now apparently screaming) at me for some time. I think it started in college when I buckled under and ultimately succumbed to the pressure to have life figured out by 22. Throughout my 20s, as it became more and more apparent that I, in reality, had absolutely nothing figured out, I became frustrated, unhappy and ultimately devastated as my "vision" for my life continued to not come true. I was not married by 25. At 25, I was exiting a disastrous "dating" situation (we're going to use dating...loosely), that left me a little lost and a whole lot destroyed.  It became apparent that I would not be a mother by 30. I was not killing it in my professional life as I had in my academic life. Basically, my "vision" had betrayed me and thoughts that I didn't deserve "x,y,z, 1, 2, 3" and that I would never be happy crept in and took hold.

Enter deep depression at age 29.

But in year 30, in finally confronting at lot of issues, letting the pain of my last "relationship" (again...such a loose term) go, and learning to dissect the ridiculous falsehoods we tell ourselves ("I'll never have...." "I always...." "I don't deserve..."), I began to realize in many ways I set myself up to fail. My "vision" was not only incredibly specific, I had deadlines based on what others around me were doing and what I though I should be doing. LIFE LESSON: Give the Universe a deadline, she replies back with all the sarcasm, "Yeah girl."

In the past year, I forced myself to explore, What is it that you want out of this, your one life? Ideas came to me like, Love. Adventure. Health. Rich experience. Confidence. I ultimately had to release myself from any idea or plan more specific than that...no more setting myself up. That does not mean the year was without goals. I wanted to run a half marathon in my 30th year. (And I did. At my pace. No time deadlines. No expectations other than train as best you can. Run as best you can). I wanted to go on a date. (And I did. Met a boy who was so "not my type". Had some butterflies. Got my swag back. It fizzled. But boy...do I have an experience that's an entirely different post). I wanted to feel good about being me. (And I do. Found a new gym, stopped internalizing other people's b.s.).

I realized that the details do not necessarily matter. We put our intentions out into the world. We take steps every day with those intentions in mind. We paint our lives in with broad brush  strokes. And God, the Universe, the Creator, (whatever you want to call it) does the work of the details. And if you can accept that there's very little we have control over in this life (still struggling with this...hourly), the details of the Universe can surprise...delight....shock....marvel. And it's kind of everything.



Love is. . .

Love is joy. Don't convince yourself that suffering is a part of it. 

Paulo Coelho

Realest Thing I Never Wrote - Bey Edition

We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls
“You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man”
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist – the person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes

-Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche (sampled in Beyonce's "***Flawless")

Realest Thing I Never Wrote

Inspired

As I gear up for my first 5K, this Mom's bumper sticker put it all in perspective...

The Tragedy of 27

The "27 Club". Never something I really paid attention to until Amy Winehouse died almost two years ago at the age of 27. Even though I intellectually understood that 27 is too young to die--your life has barely even started--I don't think I really understood how young until I turned 27. 

I'm 27 years and 5 days old. And I haven't done much with my life. 

Don't worry--this is not one of those 'woe is me' posts about how much my life sucks. Quite the contrary. This is about how there is so much I want to do with my life, both professionally and personally. I'd like to figure out my passions, what (if anything) I want to do with this law degree, I'd like to see more of the world, I'd like to be in a healthy romantic relationship--you know where both parties are emotionally and actually available and don't take out their baggage on each other. I'd like to explore and better understand my religious and spiritual beliefs. 

Essentially. I want to live. And if it were all over today for me...at the age of 27. Boy, what a tragedy. 

So much of my youth was spent on a very specific academic path. One I was always too focused on and frankly too afraid to deviate from. I was going to do well in high school so I could get a full scholarship to college. I was going to do well in college so I could go to professional school. I was going to go to professional school, get a good job, and *poof* become an adult and start living. Other than deciding to major in History instead of Engineering I have never made a decision or deviated from what I was "supposed to do". And don't get me wrong, that path has set me up to write blogposts like this and wax poetic about my life and developing some dreams. That path provided me with a foundation that when I figure out what the hell I want to do, will be invaluable. I recognize the importance of that path. 

But I never took a leap of faith. Not one leap. I never moved somewhere crazy. I never took the time to figure out professional dreams. Sure, being an attorney and maybe one day a judge sounded perfect...but would that really fulfill me? I never once asked that question. Personally, I subconsciously set myself up to never have anything real. And then wondered why I was perpetually alone. Ending up with the unavailable guy is not only the opposite of a "leap of faith" its also kind of stupid. And hurtful. And it took a long time before I was bold enough to ask myself why I continued to repeat this same mistake, same lapse in judgment, over and over again. 

So here I am. 27. And I feel like I've been stripped to my foundation in a lot of ways. For the first time, I am beginning to explore what I believe in, what truly interests me, what I truly want, what kind of life can I possibly build for myself. And I know its going to be painful, tough, and long. But its exciting to not have a path for once. While not having a plan is terrifying, its also freeing. I get to be whoever it is I am. 

I get to be. 27. And God willing beyond. 

Today I Feel

On the 48th Anniversary of the Assassination of Malcolm X

The following eulogy was delivered by Ossie Davis at the funeral of Malcolm X on 27 February 1965 at the Faith Temple Church Of God:

Here—at this final hour, in this quiet place —Harlem has come to bid farewell to one of its brightest hopes—extinguished now, and gone from us forever. For Harlem is where he worked and where he struggled and fought—his home of homes, where his heart was, and where his people are—and it is, therefore, most fitting that we meet once again—in Harlem—to share these last moments with him. For Harlem has ever been gracious to those who have loved her, have fought for her and have defended her honor even to the death. It is not in the memory of man that this beleaguered, unfortunate, but nonetheless proud community has found a braver, more gallant young champion than this Afro-American who lies before us—unconquered still.

I say the word again, as he would want me to: Afro-American—Afro-American Malcolm, who was a master, was most meticulous in his use of words. Nobody knew better than he the power words have over minds of men. Malcolm had stopped being a “Negro” years ago. It had become too small, too puny, too weak a word for him. Malcolm was bigger than that. Malcolm had become an Afro-American, and he wanted—so desperately—that we, that all his people, would become Afro-Americans, too.

There are those who will consider it their duty, as friends of the Negro people, to tell us to revile him, to flee, even from the presence of his memory, to save ourselves by writing him out of the history of our turbulent times. Many will ask what Harlem finds to honor in this stormy, controversial and bold young captain—and we will smile. Many will say turn away—away from this man; for he is not a man but a demon, a monster, a subverter and an enemy of the black man—and we will smile. They will say that he is of hate—a fanatic, a racist—who can only bring evil to the cause for which you struggle!

And we will answer and say to them: Did you ever talk to Brother Malcolm? Did you ever touch him or have him smile at you? Did you ever really listen to him? Did he ever do a mean thing? Was he ever himself associated with violence or any public disturbance? For if you did, you would know him. And if you knew him, you would know why we must honor him: Malcolm was our manhood, our living, black manhood! This was his meaning to his people. And, in honoring him, we honor the best in ourselves.

Last year, from Africa, he wrote these words to a friend: “My journey,” he says, “is almost ended, and I have a much broader scope than when I started out, which I believe will add new life and dimension to our struggle for freedom and honor and dignity in the States.” “I am writing these things so that you will know for a fact the tremendous sympathy and support we have among the African States for our human rights struggle. The main thing is that we keep a united front wherein our most valuable time and energy will not be wasted fighting each other.”

However we may have differed with him—or with each other about him and his value as a man—let his going from us serve only to bring us together, now. Consigning these mortal remains to earth, the common mother of all, secure in the knowledge that what we place in the ground is no more now a man—but a seed—which, after the winter of our discontent, will come forth again to meet us. And we will know him then for what he was and is—a prince—our own black shining prince!—who didn’t hesitate to die, because he loved us so.

Suit & Tie ft. Jay-Z

Let me tell you why this single is successful for me: (1) I die for an old school R&B groove; (2) the only thing better than a man in a suit & tie, is a man in a suit & loosened tie. Welcome back, JT. 

Billy Elliot: The Musical.

Leave it to a random night out to see a traveling production of Billy Elliot to open the friggin' flood gates. A few weeks back, a co-worker with season tickets to the BJCC Broadway series offered me two tickets to Billy Elliot. I generally love plays--especially musicals, so I said, "Yes." I invited a girl friend who had a birthday coming up and figured we'd make a night of it.

I really knew nothing about the story. Except that a little British boy dances. It was so much more. To be brief, the play is about Billy, who is the youngest son of a mining family. His community is in the midst of the UK miners strike and his mother has recently died. Billy stumbles upon a local community ballet class and falls in love with dance--much to the dismay of his father and older brother.

This play is layered with some many life lessons and nuances--about family, death, dreams, sacrifice, socio-economics, homosexuality. It was SO good. And I cried--like ugly face cried--through about 75% of the play.

Not only was I touched by the story/music but the little kid who played Billy was absolutely fantastic! He sang, danced (ballet AND tap), and spoke in a convincing British accent. And he was like 12 years old. About halfway through the play, I decided no matter what my future husband says/thinks: our son WILL be taking dance lessons. LOL. (But seriously. He will.) That kid was uber talented. It made me wonder what the hell I'd done with my childhood!

Such a fun (and emotional) night out. And then just for kicks on this rainy Sunday, I watched the play's inspiration Billy Elliot (the 2000 film starring Jamie Bell) on Netflix...and cried all over again!

Whole30 Reflections

As I mentioned before I spent the month of January doing the Whole30 Challenge. Which I really enjoyed and recommend to anyone remotely interested in trying a new way of eating or jumpstarting weight loss. I think I enjoyed the process so much because the parameters of the program forced me to (1) read labels--you'd be surprised how much soy and sugar is in EVERYTHING and (2) get back into the kitchen and do some actual cooking (which saved me a lot of money)! 

In the beginnings of the challenge, I was kind of eating the same things over and over again. Eggs, uncured/organic bacon, fruit/veggie breakfast smoothies, fish/chicken and steamed veggie side. But then Vee (who did the challenge with me) started coming up with these creative ass dishes to eat and I would NOT be outdone. LOL. I started getting creative and using websites like pintrest and tumblr to get inspired. My two favorite things I made during the 30 days--a walnut and basil pesto (which I ate on everything) and a sweet potato, bacon, and brussel sprout hash. 

In terms of the effects on me--I almost immediately felt different doing the challenge. I felt lighter. My C25K runs got a little bit faster. The first 15-20 days I felt kind of invincible. I felt liberated by not being allowed to step on the scale. The last 10 days--not so much. LOL. The runs were still good, but I kept thinking about all the food I could/would eat when the challenge was complete. I travelled to my sister's 30th birthday bash and basically broke the fast by drinking alcohol (although I already told myself that would happen when I started the fast, LOL---I kept it real with myself). 

All-in-all, I think the challenge was successful for me. Today, I am about 6lbs lighter than I was when I started. And I'm planning to keep a food journal. I think the Whole30 program taught me the kinds of foods and habits my body needs to run efficiently. I plan to use the food journal to monitor what foods I'm putting into my body and how they make me feel. As much as I know that counting calories or WW points works, I also know every time I ate more than I was "supposed to" I would beat myself up. And I'm kind of over that. I'm over punishing myself in 2013! 

C25K Update: One more week and I'm done with the program!!!! I cannot believe it! I can now run 28 minutes without stopping which at my pace is about 2.5 miles. It's amazing how far I've come in 8 weeks. I cannot wait to run my 1st 5K this spring. Vee and I are already planning on training for a 10K. I'm proud that I was able to set a goal and I'm going to follow through. Baby steps. 

Living Whole30

Just a couple of meals I've been eating for the past month while doing the Whole30 challenge. I'm most proud of the walnut and basil pesto I made. It was delicious.

Between the Whole30 and my 5k training (up to 2.5 miles) I feel kind of invincible... I'll blog/reflect more at the end of the month.

Nike + Me

One great thing about making the commitment to health and fitness is people generally want to support you.

My big sis got me this gorgeous Nike+ gps sportswatch. Can't wait to track my first run tomorrow.

Feeling good about 2013, y'all.

Phenomenal Woman

When I was a tween I won my first pageant. (Pause for reaction). Yes, I did a few pageants in my youth, the last when I was 15 years old. I won a few, too. Whenever I was in pageants that had a talent component I usually recited a poem. I was too shy and nervous to do anything else. Eventually, Maya Angelou's "And Still I Rise..." became my poem. I connected with that poem at a young age. I understood what it meant. That poem made me a Maya Angelou fan. 

As a Maya Angelou fan, I never truly appreciated "Phenomenal Woman" until now. This is truly a woman's poem. And it wasn't until I became a woman--someone who has survived heartache and disappointment--that I understood what Maya was really saying. 

This is a poem about confidence in spite of...well...everything. As the poem states: "I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size." Despite the things she's not, she has confidence---she's phenomenal. She's a woman. As a girl, I think I intellectually understood what Maya was saying but now I get it. Truly. As someone who spends a lot of time doubting and dwelling on her deficiencies, it's time to make "Phenomenal Woman" my poem!

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,   
The stride of my step,   
The curl of my lips.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,   
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,   
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.   
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.   
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,   
And the flash of my teeth,   
The swing in my waist,   
And the joy in my feet.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,   
They say they still can’t see.   
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,   
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.   
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.   
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,   
The bend of my hair,   
the palm of my hand,   
The need for my care.   
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

The journey of a million miles...

...starts with a single step.

Finally doing what I said I'd do: becoming a runner.

Make my wish come true...

This just kinda made my life...Happy Holidays!

Realest Thing I Never Wrote 11.29.12

"Growing up happens when you start having things you look back on and wish you could change." -- Clary Fray from Cassandra Clare's City of Ashes

Realest Thing I Never Wrote - 10.22.12

"If you're miserable, make a choice. If you're still miserable, you can choose again." - Martha Beck

Paralyzed.

One of my favorite quotes comes from abolitionist Frederick Douglass, who once said: "I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs."  I've always read this quote to mean you can pray for things, want/wish/dream for things to be different or better, but until that desire takes the next step to action, nothing is ever going to really change. 

I intellectually accept this philosophy as true and yet I have a hard time applying it to my own life. Ever since I completed law school and the notion that I'll most likely never be a student again I've been in a state of discontent. Everything just seems off. Earlier this year, my discontent with my job situation became glaringly obvious and rather than dwell on the fuckedupness of that situation, I decided to focus on the things in my life I could control. I wasn't happy with my weight, so I began counting calories and exercising and honestly just trying to have a positive attitude. Initially, it seemed to be working, but then summer came. I ate a lot. I drank a lot. Stopped working out as much. And long story short, here I sit in October still discontent at my job, still discontent with my weight. And feeling quite lost. 

I could take the time to list all the things that are "wrong" in my life, but I frankly don't have the emotional energy to do so. Plus, the focus of this post isn't what's wrong but instead why I can't seem to use the wrongness as a motivation to make some much needed change in my life. I'm praying for reprieve from a lot of professional and personal situations, but I seem unable to do my part. Its like that old joke where the guy begs God for him to win the lottery and finally God says, "Well, son you have to buy a lottery ticket." I can't seem to purchase my proverbial ticket. 

I don't like my job for a variety of reasons and I often find myself questioning if I even want to be an attorney at all (which scares me). And while the economy is no friend to attorneys right now, I honestly haven't even applied for any new positions. I'll find positions. And say I'm going to take the time one evening or one weekend and send out applications. And then I don't. But then continue to bitch and complain about my current job. Its like I hate where I am, but am too scared of all the uncertainty to try to be somewhere else. In that moment when I want to move on I am reminded what a mediocre law student I was, how despite starting my second year of practice I still have very few practical skills, etc. I doubt myself and become paralyzed. Stuck in a situation that I know in my heart isn't right. 

If I'm honest with myself, I also tend to stay stuck in personal situations that aren't right. I don't leave people or situations (when I know I should). I wait for them to leave me. I wait for them to say or do something so hurtful that the situation cannot be repaired. You can count on me to stay on a sinking ship. I rationalize such behavior to myself as loyalty. But it has nothing to do with loyalty. I am beginning to see I set myself up to be hurt. 

And so I have to wonder--am I a glutton for punishment. Am I one of those people who would be miserable happy? 

God I hope not. 

 

Gangster Squad

Guns. Sean Penn (with accent and prosthetic makeup). Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone. Gangsters. I am SO in. I cannot wait to see Gangster Squad in January. I love the cast which also includes Josh Brolin and Anthony Mackie. I love period films. And who doesn't love a mob/gangster movie???