fallen

this entry is a lot of stream of consciousness and completely lower case as i am blogging from my phone. this should be interesting.

I've been thinking a lot about love and more specifically falling in love. i think falling in love is actually a really rare thing. people often confuse lust for love...or sex for love. but to truly be in love is rare.

its happened to me twice. first with heartbreaker which was exciting because i had a pure and naive heart and i loved him in the sweetest way possible. then there was pseudo boyfriend who i came to all broken and mangled...and he loved me anyway. i always regret i didnt have as much joy to give him. but heartbreaker had stolen that...but anywho i loved pseudo boyfriend the best i could.

i'm sitting at work SUPPOSED to be writing a motion for summary judgment wondering when the moment i fell in love was. did it happen over time? could i feel it happening or did it just hit me like a ton of bricks?

with HB i honestly cant remember a time when i didnt love him...until i didnt love him anymore. at the time i met him he was everything i thought i wanted and i was a goner. with PB i met him in september or october and by christmas break the thought of being apart from him made me cry [yes. i am totally that girl] and i realized that although it scared the crap out of me i was in love with him. it was almost as if i was falling from day one and then *bam* i had crashed into the pavement. ok. so thats such a violent metaphor but it was such an amazing experience.

i will say but both times i "fell" it completely took me by surprise. especially PB. we met so randomly and he was totally different then any guy i had ever dated.

i am not really sure what the point of this post is except to say i blog a lot about what i want and dont want in relationships but in reality love, just like god laughs when we attempt to make or execute plans. my life is on a trajectory that i only have faux-control over. i could meet the love of my life tonight or may already know him. or he could be another 10 yrs away.

the uncertainty of it all frightens me...and yet there's a beauty in the mystery of it all.

excuse the randomness of it all. i may or may not be high off coffee and i have been listening to film scores all day... LOL