...Just writing

So I’m in law school. Right now. Literally. I’m sitting in Civ Pro listening to my professor give the history of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure…riveting stuff, huh? No really. It is actually pretty interesting. In about a week I have learned how to read and brief cases. I know the difference between personal and subject-matter jurisdiction. And Professor Andrews gave us a problem set to gauge our progress and I got a “good job” , the highest “grade” she gave! She even whispered to me, “Good Job, Ms. Scott.” Needless to say I’m flying high.

I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal. But let’s have a moment of truth. Law school scared me. I was terrified of the prospect of moving on to this next step. I have just had so much going on in my life. A lot of negativity. And it had me doubting myself. My ability and I am ashamed to say I was doubting who I am. I still don’t think I am ready to go into details but I left Raleigh exhausted: emotionally and physically. I felt dejected, sad, angry, bitter, confused, and terrified. When my family arrived for graduation, I felt like a princess who had just been rescued by a knight on a glistening white horse. They truly saved me. Because I was about to lose my mind. But when I got home it hit me—I’ve got less than 2 weeks to get ready to begin…the rest of my life. *Insert scream*

Its weird to aspire to something for so long and then to actually be there. I remember being in elementary school and learning about Thurgood Marshall and aspiring to be the first African-American female supreme court justice. [Okay, so clearly I have wised up on the goals, but still…] Sometimes when you want something so long and so badly you build up the experience in your head. Like turning 21. 21 was the most overhyped experience of my life! I didn’t even get drunk! But law school wasn’t overhyped. Its exciting. Its overwhelming. Its hard. I’ve only been in school for 1.5 weeks and it feels like 6 months. Its just a lot. I have work to do, studying to do EVERY NIGHT. And this is coming from a notoriously lazy student. I do enough to get by. Well, to get by here—its going to take everything I have. This on one hand is invigorating but on the other hand, its exhausting just thinking about it. But this is my life now. And my new life doesn’t leave room or time for low self-esteem or feeling bad about should’ve/would’ve/could’ve or how deeply someone has hurt you or how you may have hurt someone else. I just don’t have time for it. And maybe that’s a good thing. So I don’t have to deal with it. But at the same time, I really don’t need crap festering over time and then becoming some huge earth shattering problem.

Class is over. I gotta go. But I just wanted to write about where my head is at. More later.