Chris Brown, "Crawl"

Everybody see's it's you
I'm the one that lost the view
Everybody says we're through
I hope you haven't said it too

So where
Do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes
And where
Can love take us now
We've been so far down
We can still touch the sky

If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl
Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, Yeah

Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never meant to race
I always felt the need for space
But now I can't reach your face
So where
Are you standing now
Are you in the crowd of my faults
Love, can you see my hand?
I need one more chance
We can still have it all

If we crawl(if we crawl)
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run (then we'll run)
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl

Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, yeaaah

Everybody see's it's you
Well I never wanna lose that view

So we'll crawl (if we crawl)
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl

So we'll crawl (ooh)
Till we can walk again (till we can walk again)
Then we'll run (we'll run)
Until we're strong enough to jump (until we're strong enough to jump)
Then we'll fly (then we'll fly)
Until there is no end
So let's crawl, let's crawl, lets crawl
Back to love
Back to love yeah
Back to love

Faith is reason grown courageous.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. --Hebrews 11:1

Before you start to worry this isn't a "religious" post. I'm not a "religious" person. I'm a spiritual person. I'm a believer. But no need to worry, I will not be standing up on my soapbox or preaching. Not my thing. I don't believe in that {no pun intended}.

Today while at the gym attempting to work off this afternoon's Chipotle {sidenote: I've completely broken up with Moe's for Chipotle. I feel a little guilty about it. Another post, though.} I looked up at the television and saw this family on ABC watching a shuttle launch at night/early morning. It reminded me of this amazing opportunity I had in high school to watch the shuttle Discovery launch at about 4:00 AM. It was a pitch dark sky and when the shuttle launched it lit up the entire sky like day...and I cried. It remains to this day the single most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Ever. And in that moment, I was filled with...faith.

Faith is a funny thing. One of my favorite songs is "Have a Little Faith in Me" but in all honesty, in my life I don't have a lot of faith in people. People are the root of a lot of problems and man is so finicky...so imperfect...people are not something I'd ever have faith in. Not really, anyway. I've seen and experienced too much disappointment to ever put faith in another person. I'm a believer but I'm not stupid.

But I believe in love. {cue the vomit} I believe that love can be transformative. Love can change lives. Love for a higher power. Love for oneself. Love for one's family. Love for one's mate. Love can turn an okay looking guy into the man of your dreams. Love can keep a dad in a job he HATES just to provide for his kid. Love is an unknown. Its largely been a mystery to me. Because while I believe in love--that its pretty much the point of this whole thing called life, I'm also terrified of it. In John Mayer's "Heartbreak Warfare" he asks: "if you want more love, why don't you say so?" And the answer is, "because I'm afraid you'll say no."

I've come to the conclusion that I primarily operate my life and approach to relationships out of fear. I don't mean just romantic relationships either...all my relationships are primarily fueled by fear. I speak out or hold my tongue depending on fear. I'm constantly afraid. I'm not sure of what. Maybe rejection? All I know is that while I believe in love, I don't have much faith in it. I'm not ready to take the leap for it. Because I'm afraid.

But when I think about being left behind. Rejected. Or hurt, I then think about being 14 years old and watching an explosion that propelled an aluminum can into outerspace and how much it moved me. I was in awe of the technology. I was in awe of the beauty. I was in awe of the fact the people were in that aluminum can that was taking them to the stars {and people say there is no God. hmph!} I understand that if that explosion that made the night sky so gorgeous can move me that there's something out there for me. That beautiful sky represented possibility and hope to me. There's something transformative out there for me. I don't know what or who it is. I can't see it. I can't feel it or touch it...but its there and I'm going to find it. Once I get over this whole rejection-phobia...

And that is faith.

India Arie: Back to the Middle

She is, twenty five, spent over half of her life
So afraid to speak her mind, it's such a shame
'Cause what a brilliant mind she has

And now she's been introduced to confidence
She doesn't see, that she is bordering on arrogance
When will she learn, to come back to the middle

He is, a young black man, grew up without his father
And now it falls into his hands, to protect his mother
'Cause if he doesn't, well then who will, his older brother lives in fear
Of everything, especially, trying to fill his father's shoes

Respectively, they go to extremes, of masculine and feminine
Chasing dreams, but they keep on falling
'Cause they don't know no balance
When will they learn, to come back to the middle

You must take the good with the bad, and you might hit the wall
Sometimes you'll fly and sometimes you'll fall
There isn't any way, to avoid the pain
But it's getting burned, that's how you will learn
To come back to the middle

Needing to protect your self now that is just a part of life
If you let your fears keep you from flying, you will never reach your height
To get to the top you must come back to the middle
When will we learn, to come back to the middle

Come back to the middle, Come back to the middle
Don't make no mind about falling down
'Cause it's when you're in that valley
You can see both sides more clearly

Come back to the middle

Viva Glam

So I'm not the biggest makeup person. Honestly, I typically only wear makeup when I'm going out or for special occasions, and then its typically eye makeup and lip gloss. Makeup (and its uses/applications) is yet another thing you can add to the "Things Akili's Mother Didn't Teach Her". Other items on the list? Hmm--Sex {"Don't have sex until you're married." Uhhh ok.} Tampons {"I'd prefer you not use them." Uhhh. Right.}  Men {"I never had boyfriends. Your father was my only boyfriend."Uhhh. Bullshit.} Now in fairness to Mom, one can't teach what they don't know and I don't fault her for my ignorance on certain issues or the fact that I've had to learn mostly via trial & error.

But I digress. I decided today to purchase some new foundation from M.A.C. I'd noticed in some pictures that while my eye makeup would be cute, my skin looked washed out and a bit uneven. In the past I'd used M.A.C.'s "Studio Tech" which is kinda like a creamy-pressed powder. I didn't really like it though. I felt like I'd fingerpainted my face, LOL. So today, I went and got some "Studio Fix" which is a full coverage powder. The chick working at the counter helped match my face (I'd been wearing the WRONG SHADE) and she applied the foundation with a flat brush (I'd been using a sponge to apply foundation). Then she asked if I'd be alright with her putting some blush on me. She applied this orange (yes, orange) blush called of all things "Optimistic Orange". After she was done, I went and looked in the mirror--I absolutely loved it! I looked SO PRETTY. The look wasn't very "makeupy". My skin just looked even and I thought the blush would be too much, but it accented my natural skin tone well. I purchased both the foundation and the blush. I then went to Target and found the EXACT SAME BRUSH she applied my foundation with for significantly cheaper.

In terms of shopping, today was a GREAT DAY.I can't wait until I go out again so I can play around with my new toys...err makeup.

Face Moisturizer - $3.49 (from Target)

Blush Brush - $4.19 (from Target)

Foundation Brush- $6.00 (from Target, $30 from MAC)

MAC Foundation, N9 ($26.00 from MAC)

Optimistic Orange Blush ($18.50 from MAC)

Hope for Haiti

Last night the telethon in support of Haiti aired on like EVERY network. I've already donated $10 via text to the Red Cross and after last night I donated again to hopeforhaitinow.org. A lot of celebs came out to man the phones, share information about the disaster in Haiti and to perform. There were some INCREDIBLE performances last night. A few that stuck out were Justin Timberlake and Matt Morris [an artist on JT's Tennman Records whose kind of AMAZING] performing a soul-stirring version of "Hallelujah". Jennifer Hudson performed a cover of The Beatles' "Let It Be" and lastly my boo, Jay-Z, Bono and Rihanna performed the song "Stranded (Haiti Mon Amour)" a charity single in support of Haiti. There were other great performances, but these stuck out to me. All of the live performances will be available via an album, January 25 on iTunes. I definitely plan on purchasing it.

The death toll in Haiti has crossed 111,000 people. Search efforts for survivors have been called off. I read today on CNN.com that a mother gave her daughter urine in hopes of keeping her alive. If you haven't donated to the relief effort in Haiti, I urge you to do so...

"..All Rise."

This semester I have the opportunity to do an externship in a judge's chambers. {I totally get to say "all rise" when judge walks into the courtroom, hehe} I am working in the Jefferson County Circuit Court and so far its been awesome. It is an excellent opportunity to (1) see attorneys AT WORK before the judge--you see awesome attorneys. You see terrible attorneys. Both teach valuable lessons. (2) I also get the opportunity to see a judge's thought process up close. On television and generally, people think judge's are supposed to be these "impartial" god's who rule from above. Judges have their opinions trust me but they also have the incredibly difficult task of following not their opinions but instead the rule of law. Its difficult. There are times when I'm sitting in hearings with the judge that I just wanna  yell out, "bullshit! Sir, please stop."

My first day working in the judge's chambers I was uber nervous. Even though I essentially am a volunteer (I got this job via the schools externship program), I still want to make a good impression on everyone who I encounter in the courthouse. Hopefully if my "life plan" goes according to plan, I'll be trying cases in these courtrooms before these judges. I don't want them thinking I'm incompetent before I'm even licensed.

Not only are the people I work with/for awesome but they apparently think I'm the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ! Here's the basis for their "belief":

1. "You dress nice": I actually DON'T dress nice. Today, I'm wearing a red cardigan, a green cami and slacks. [Thank you, Lane Bryant]. Nothing special AT ALL. But ok...its "nice" if you say so.
2. "You take such intiative": Actually, I browse through the case files to see who the attorneys and clients are because I'm nosey...but if YOU think I'm doing good, than alrighty then...

While it feels amazing to be appreciated and praised, I have to wonder who the hell worked here before me? Did they NOT do some of these simple/menial tasks such as...WEAR BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES TO COURT? Its weird. All the positive feedback is kinda like getting praised for NOT being a crackhead or something--I'm doing the things I'm supposed to do and I grew up in a family that DID NOT PRAISE for things we were supposed to do [like getting 4.0 GPAs, cleaing our rooms, etc.].

I know this isn't the world's most interesting post, but this is my life now. The law. In less than 18 months I'll cease being a student...forever. While the idea of truly being independent terrifies me, its exciting to actually get out of the classroom and see how it all works. Its nothing like Law & Order. Most days its pretty boring. But when its good, its really good. Its days like today, when I got to right an order to grant a motion for summary judgment [that basically means I wrote an order to throw someone's case out of court] I feel validated in my career/life choices.

Today, at least academically, has been an AMAZING day.

I know my destination...

So...per usual, I have been in a funk lately. I've been eating reckless. Not working out. And being a downright debbie downer. I hate feeling like this. But you know life. Its attempting to kick my ass---yet again. Usually when I'm attempting to overcome "debbie downer-itis" I turn to music. My go-to music when I'm down is typically Donny Hathaway's Extensions of a Man aka my FAVORITE CD EVER. The late Donny Hathway is an INCREDIBLE vocalist and his voice is coated in melancholy. There's a sadness and a beauty in ALL HIS SONGS and I can always count on Donny to wallow in my self-pity with me.

When I need to put it all into perspective, I have a new go-to album: Kanye West's 808's and Heartbreak. I freaking LOVE this album. Now, Kanye took a lot of shit for 808's. A lot people flat out didn't like it--Kanye (a rapper) was sad. He was singing sad ass songs (badly) over minimal beats [basically just 808s--hence the title]. But what did these critics expect? He lost his mother and his fiancee in a 6 month period. He was sad. He was pissed off. He was heartbroken. And what do we do when we're heartbroken? We examine our lives. And that's what exactly Kanye did. My favorite song on the album. "Streetlights" got me out of bed this morning. It reminded me that yeah, yesterday sucked bad. You cried. A lot. You took your sorry ass to Taco Bell, ate recklessly and curled up on Frank's couch to wallow in your misery. But today's a new day. As Kanye sings: "I know my destination [in life] I'm just not there yet." Time to suck it up kiddo!

Let me know
Do I still got time to grow?
Things ain't always set in stone
That being known let me know
Let me

Seems like street lights glowing
Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me
So I hopped in the cab and
I paid my fares
See I know my destination
But I'm just not there

All the streetlights glowing
Happen to be
Just like moments passing
In front of me
So I hopped in the cab and
I paid my fare
See I know my destination
But I'm just not there

In the streets... In the streets
I'm just not there
In the streets
I'm just not there
Life's just not fair