Paralyzed.

One of my favorite quotes comes from abolitionist Frederick Douglass, who once said: "I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs."  I've always read this quote to mean you can pray for things, want/wish/dream for things to be different or better, but until that desire takes the next step to action, nothing is ever going to really change. 

I intellectually accept this philosophy as true and yet I have a hard time applying it to my own life. Ever since I completed law school and the notion that I'll most likely never be a student again I've been in a state of discontent. Everything just seems off. Earlier this year, my discontent with my job situation became glaringly obvious and rather than dwell on the fuckedupness of that situation, I decided to focus on the things in my life I could control. I wasn't happy with my weight, so I began counting calories and exercising and honestly just trying to have a positive attitude. Initially, it seemed to be working, but then summer came. I ate a lot. I drank a lot. Stopped working out as much. And long story short, here I sit in October still discontent at my job, still discontent with my weight. And feeling quite lost. 

I could take the time to list all the things that are "wrong" in my life, but I frankly don't have the emotional energy to do so. Plus, the focus of this post isn't what's wrong but instead why I can't seem to use the wrongness as a motivation to make some much needed change in my life. I'm praying for reprieve from a lot of professional and personal situations, but I seem unable to do my part. Its like that old joke where the guy begs God for him to win the lottery and finally God says, "Well, son you have to buy a lottery ticket." I can't seem to purchase my proverbial ticket. 

I don't like my job for a variety of reasons and I often find myself questioning if I even want to be an attorney at all (which scares me). And while the economy is no friend to attorneys right now, I honestly haven't even applied for any new positions. I'll find positions. And say I'm going to take the time one evening or one weekend and send out applications. And then I don't. But then continue to bitch and complain about my current job. Its like I hate where I am, but am too scared of all the uncertainty to try to be somewhere else. In that moment when I want to move on I am reminded what a mediocre law student I was, how despite starting my second year of practice I still have very few practical skills, etc. I doubt myself and become paralyzed. Stuck in a situation that I know in my heart isn't right. 

If I'm honest with myself, I also tend to stay stuck in personal situations that aren't right. I don't leave people or situations (when I know I should). I wait for them to leave me. I wait for them to say or do something so hurtful that the situation cannot be repaired. You can count on me to stay on a sinking ship. I rationalize such behavior to myself as loyalty. But it has nothing to do with loyalty. I am beginning to see I set myself up to be hurt. 

And so I have to wonder--am I a glutton for punishment. Am I one of those people who would be miserable happy? 

God I hope not. 

 

Gangster Squad

Guns. Sean Penn (with accent and prosthetic makeup). Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone. Gangsters. I am SO in. I cannot wait to see Gangster Squad in January. I love the cast which also includes Josh Brolin and Anthony Mackie. I love period films. And who doesn't love a mob/gangster movie???

To Mexico With Love.

"42."

 I'm a sucker for a biopic. Doesn't hurt the trailer uses Jay-Z/Santigold. I'm in for "42" and am excited to see this take on Jackie Robinson's story.

Tattoos & Consequences

So I got a new tattoo.

That I hate. Or at least I hate everything it stands for.

My oldest sister and I had been planning for a while to get matching tattoos. Because of our close relationship and the fact everyone says we look like twins (we don't) we decided to get "jumelle" the French word for twin.

Spur of the moment we get a design and head to the parlor. Sis decides to get hers on her rib cage. I want mine there too, but I hesitate. I'll have to lift up my shirt in public. Friends will see my stomach, which despite however many months of diet/exercise is still beyond out of shape. I sit silently feeling fat, unattractive and sad.

How am I still in this place?

So, I get the tattoo. On my left side. Under my collar bone. If I wear any scoop neck or vee neck shirt you can see it. I would have NEVER gotten a tattoo in this place. I wanted something discreet and private. But because of insecurity I am permanently[?] branded in a spot I didn't want.

Needless to say I'm sad and disappointed. I've been struggling with the same shit since forever. It's not getting better. I've followed my insecurity down many a wrong path...into toxic friendships, doomed relationships and now this ...

I've let the same self-worth problems get me into something that I can't get out of...at least without 6 to 12 laser removal treatments.

Oh boy.

Transitions.

I'm Ready Now

One of my absolute favorite books is Terry McMillan's Disappearing Acts. I read it when I was too young to be reading such books (sex. language. adult themes.) But even at a too young age I fell in love with the characters. I am a sucker for a good love story.

At the beginning of the book, the male character Franklin comments on how he's essentially taking a hiatus from females. He isn't looking for a relationship. He's working on his "foundation." And I remember reading this in my early teens and not really understanding what that meant or why Franklin would want to take a hiatus from females. Didn't people want to be in relationships--I know I certainly did. Why couldn't he work on building his future AND have a supportive loving relationship?

Fast forward 10+ years and I completely get Franklin. For the first time in a long time, I want a relationship. I want a real, healthy, come-home-meet-my-crazy-Mama-relationship. I want to blush when somebody says his name. I wanna cook for him and insist on washing the dishes afterwards. I want to do and experience all the things that a relationship and love means to me. I want those things. BUT. I'm not quite sure I am ready for those things.

I take relationships seriously. I take how I treat people seriously. And for the first time in a long time I am taking how I treat myself seriously. In the past other people have always come before me. My philosophy on love and relationships was that if I was just "good", if I was pleasing in every possible way, then he would see how "good" I was, how worthy of his love and act accordingly. I have no idea where I developed this approach to relationships or who bamboozled me into thinking it was a good idea, but for the past 10+ years this was my approach to the opposite sex. It resulted in failed relationships and hurt feelings. 99% of the time my feelings were the ones hurt.

So in 2012 I've embraced the new theory that I am already worthy. I don't have to prove my goodness. An offer of respect, friendship, and love from me to someone else is sufficient. I don't have to bend over backwards, turn myself into myself until he finally has a revelation that I should be loved and cherished. I don't want to be with someone who made me feel like who I am was insufficient to "earn" their affections and consideration. I don't want to be with someone who would make me feel that way. A new philosophy. I am getting better, y'all!

But its a work in progress. This idea of worthiness--knowing I'm worthy and sufficient--is sadly a new idea for me. Sure its been a concept floating around my universe. I've used such platitudes of worth to inspire my friends having self-esteem or relationship issues, but for some reason I never believed it for myself. I never gave myself that foundation. And thus far, that's what 2012 has been for me. I, like Franklin, am working on my foundation. I need a solid foundation so that when I get this relationship I want, I don't have to bring the burdens from my childhood or the who didn't think I was pretty enough, or who didn't think I was sexy enough, or who didn't think I was smart enough, or who didn't think I was worthy enough into this something real I'm seeking.

I have blogged about my issues with letting go in the past. 2012 is dedicated to letting go, moving forward, and building my foundation.

Because I want a relationship. *blushes*