Tattoos & Consequences

So I got a new tattoo.

That I hate. Or at least I hate everything it stands for.

My oldest sister and I had been planning for a while to get matching tattoos. Because of our close relationship and the fact everyone says we look like twins (we don't) we decided to get "jumelle" the French word for twin.

Spur of the moment we get a design and head to the parlor. Sis decides to get hers on her rib cage. I want mine there too, but I hesitate. I'll have to lift up my shirt in public. Friends will see my stomach, which despite however many months of diet/exercise is still beyond out of shape. I sit silently feeling fat, unattractive and sad.

How am I still in this place?

So, I get the tattoo. On my left side. Under my collar bone. If I wear any scoop neck or vee neck shirt you can see it. I would have NEVER gotten a tattoo in this place. I wanted something discreet and private. But because of insecurity I am permanently[?] branded in a spot I didn't want.

Needless to say I'm sad and disappointed. I've been struggling with the same shit since forever. It's not getting better. I've followed my insecurity down many a wrong path...into toxic friendships, doomed relationships and now this ...

I've let the same self-worth problems get me into something that I can't get out of...at least without 6 to 12 laser removal treatments.

Oh boy.

Transitions.

I'm Ready Now

One of my absolute favorite books is Terry McMillan's Disappearing Acts. I read it when I was too young to be reading such books (sex. language. adult themes.) But even at a too young age I fell in love with the characters. I am a sucker for a good love story.

At the beginning of the book, the male character Franklin comments on how he's essentially taking a hiatus from females. He isn't looking for a relationship. He's working on his "foundation." And I remember reading this in my early teens and not really understanding what that meant or why Franklin would want to take a hiatus from females. Didn't people want to be in relationships--I know I certainly did. Why couldn't he work on building his future AND have a supportive loving relationship?

Fast forward 10+ years and I completely get Franklin. For the first time in a long time, I want a relationship. I want a real, healthy, come-home-meet-my-crazy-Mama-relationship. I want to blush when somebody says his name. I wanna cook for him and insist on washing the dishes afterwards. I want to do and experience all the things that a relationship and love means to me. I want those things. BUT. I'm not quite sure I am ready for those things.

I take relationships seriously. I take how I treat people seriously. And for the first time in a long time I am taking how I treat myself seriously. In the past other people have always come before me. My philosophy on love and relationships was that if I was just "good", if I was pleasing in every possible way, then he would see how "good" I was, how worthy of his love and act accordingly. I have no idea where I developed this approach to relationships or who bamboozled me into thinking it was a good idea, but for the past 10+ years this was my approach to the opposite sex. It resulted in failed relationships and hurt feelings. 99% of the time my feelings were the ones hurt.

So in 2012 I've embraced the new theory that I am already worthy. I don't have to prove my goodness. An offer of respect, friendship, and love from me to someone else is sufficient. I don't have to bend over backwards, turn myself into myself until he finally has a revelation that I should be loved and cherished. I don't want to be with someone who made me feel like who I am was insufficient to "earn" their affections and consideration. I don't want to be with someone who would make me feel that way. A new philosophy. I am getting better, y'all!

But its a work in progress. This idea of worthiness--knowing I'm worthy and sufficient--is sadly a new idea for me. Sure its been a concept floating around my universe. I've used such platitudes of worth to inspire my friends having self-esteem or relationship issues, but for some reason I never believed it for myself. I never gave myself that foundation. And thus far, that's what 2012 has been for me. I, like Franklin, am working on my foundation. I need a solid foundation so that when I get this relationship I want, I don't have to bring the burdens from my childhood or the who didn't think I was pretty enough, or who didn't think I was sexy enough, or who didn't think I was smart enough, or who didn't think I was worthy enough into this something real I'm seeking.

I have blogged about my issues with letting go in the past. 2012 is dedicated to letting go, moving forward, and building my foundation.

Because I want a relationship. *blushes*

Can't see the forest for the trees...

Today I got a random Facebook message from a high school friend essentially asking if we were still friends. She started off her message with basically telling me I'm a beautiful person and she wants me in her life...

A little backstory: This is an ASMS friend. I've known her since I was 15 years old. There's no "beef" with this girl. I'm not mad at her. She isn't mad at me. She's basically just fallen casualty to (1) I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people (2) we've grown up to be somewhat different people. But there's no problem between us. She lives about 45 minutes away and I'd be open to grabbing a drink or going to a concert any time. Truly.

But her message, which was sweet, sincere, and unexpected got me to thinking. I spend a lot of time feeling unappreciated, unwanted, and sometimes even unloved. I, like many people I suspect, spend a lot of time focusing on what I don't have, rather than being thankful for the things I do have.

I think what bothers me most is how quick I am to cling to or dwell on unhealthy relationships and attachments, but let the ties that truly matter in the long run fall to the wayside. Like a middle school girl who'll sacrifice true friendship for the chance at being in the in-crowd. I've spent a lot of time wishing I could be seen and accepted. And today it occurred to me that I am seen, accepted, and appreciated--I just couldn't see it due to my obsession with who didn't see, didn't accept, and didn't appreciate. I was missing the beauty of the bigger picture by staring at all the little imperfect details.

Why is it so much easier to believe the negative about ourselves/our lives, especially when positive truths are staring us right in the face? Where does that come from?

Just something I was thinking about...

I Passed.

I am officially. Legally. An attorney. With a license. To practice the law. 

Realest Thing I Never Wrote: 10.6.2011

To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow—this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.— Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love

This.

Jessie J, Who You Are

Jessie J has been on my radar for a while. When Justin Timberlake was promoting "The Social Network" it seemed that all anyone wanted to talk about was when he was going to record a new album (Justin. Its time.). While Justin stated he had no immediate plans to record new music, he stated that Jessie J's voice really moved him and excited him. He called her the best voice he'd heard in a long time.

Then I discovered Jessie J has written pop-hits for Miley Cyrus ("Party in the USA") and Kelly Clarkson. I was intrigued.

The good news: Her voice is something incredible. The bad news: Like many songwriters turned singers, her first album was all over the place. "Who You Are," the title track of her debut album, was the shining moment for me. The rest was just bleh.