I'm (Not) OK

Grief is a horribly complex thing. Its heavy, burdensome, overwhelming, duplicitous, and dangerous. You could be say, sitting in a Starbucks attempting to understand wills and estates and suddenly be overcome by memories and feelings and anger and confusion. And be completely taken aback.

Where did this wave of emotion come from? You had been working the "stages": you went from denial to anger (stayed in anger for a while); didn't do too much bargaining, you were too eager for the depression part. You thought you had worked your way into acceptance. Acceptance. Apparently not so easy to reach.

So once you realize you are clearly not nearly as at peace with the situation (the mascara tears could be a good indication) you get angry...at yourself. Why the f*ck do you care so much? About someone who obviously isn't crying alligator tears over you? You are wasting valuable bar-studying-time on a wolf in sheep's clothing. On someone who does not care: either because they don't know how to care or simply don't give a flying f*ck because they're evil, cold, and heartless. Either way, you are boo-boo the fool crying in a motherf*cking Starbucks while the barrista gives you life's ultimate SIDE-EYE.

Grief is a hard thing. Mourning the good times. Wondering if the good times were even real. After all a wolf in sheep's clothing tricked you into trusting...until the point you followed the damn wolf off a cliff. Let's not be too much of the victim here: you willingly followed the wolf into doing some stupid sh*t you knew was wrong...but you never considered the wolf would leave you bleeding at the bottom of the damn cliff.

So...you accept the notion that you simply are NOT ok with the situation. So you search for the lesson in this. Well, there's the obvious one...(stop following the same wolves over the same cliff...dumbass). But any other lesson you could come up with ("stop being so open", "you expect too much of people", "this is all your fault, you should have known better", "you ruined it...once again.") just seem cynical and real "Bitter Bitch" and I refuse to be that. I refuse to be bitter about ALL people because of one (and my own poor decision-making).

I just want to get to the point where I don't care anymore. I want to know why I still care. But I'm not there yet. I'm not OK. F*CK.