Today I Feel...

...nothing and everything at the same time.

I dreaded the day I had to write this post. I knew I needed to. I knew it was coming. But I dreaded it nonetheless. But here it is. I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by my life. I am in the final four months of law school and for the first time in my entire life, I feel directionless. I typically would be waxing poetic about my law school journey and what I learned. I am in no state to do so. I am so happy to be graduating. It's the culmination of an almost 20-year dream. But I'm terrifed. And angry. And sad. And did I mention overwhelmed?

After 40 consecutive semesters in school, I find myself about receive a terminal degree. I held up my end of the bargain: I took the magnet/advanced/enrichment courses in middle school. I got nothing short of a 100 my freshman year in high school and promptly applied to ASMS. I performed well at ASMS. I went to college for free [my father's #1 goal for me]. I got into a reputable law school in the South. I performed well. I interned in the summers. I did my part, often to the detriment of other aspects of my life (namely, my personal life). I figured once I laid this exquisite foundation for the "how will you feed/clothe yourself" part of my life, I could work on the other parts. But now, I, like millions in this country am unemployed.

And I am numb. I like many of my classmates and friends in the legal community am a victim of the economy. [Note: HATE the word "victim". As soon as I'm done feeling sorry for myself I will never refer to myself as a victim again.] I never thought this would happen. And I have thus far been unable to shake the shock, awe, or anger. Frankly, this was not the plan. And I am struggling to create a new plan. Honestly, I don't know what the fuck to do. There I said it. Akili, the wise one is at a complete and utter loss. And I feel like I lack the tools to bounce back from this. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I don't think my family understands the severity of the job market situation. They barely know what it is I do (or want to do). Sometime I wonder if they even care. I know they don't understand the anger and hurt I feel. Their attempts at support fail to penetrate. I know this is a time in my life where my resolve and my faith are supposed to kick in. I cannot seem to locate either. I am just wandering through my life aimlessly (or at least that's how I feel). I have my hurt in one hand and an alcoholic beverage in the other.

I am just tired. I am tired of people asking me if I've found a job. I am tired of people asking me if I'm excited about graduation. I am tired of people asking me what kind of law I want to practice. I am just tired. 

I want more than anything to believe when friends/mentors say this too shall pass. I really do. But right now. Today. In this moment. My hurt and the alcohol is heavy. But I am unable to put either down.