Cutter

I'm no stranger to pain, sadness, depression...whatever you want to call it. That being said, I was always disturbed by the phenomenon known as "cutting". Basically cutters hurt themselves to escape their emotional pain. I guess the physical pain is less or provides some relief from the emotional pain? According to KidsHealth some people cut to express strong feelings of rage, sorrow, rejection, desperation, longing, or emptiness.

I've read instances of people cutting themselves to just feel something. Now that I can relate to. I'm not a cutter by any means, but I'm definitely a self-injurer. I've come to realize that I put myself in personal situations (maybe not purposely or even consciously) that are difficult and from the outset are going to do nothing but hurt me. This can range from talking to my mother about a topic I know she can't deal with, expecting a different outcome than the times before. Thinking that the fifth, sixth, or seventh time with Heartbreaker was going to be different or less disappointing than the first time. Opening my heart to emotionally or literally to obviously unavailable people. Trying to force friendships with people who simply value different things than I do. Letting so-called friends convince me that all the hurt/fighting/whatever is all my fault. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Thinking if he loved me then he'd do [insert act], never letting the him in question know he's being tested.

I'm guilty of all these things. And then I end up hurt...sometimes deeply. And it hit me this morning as I attempted to intellectualize my latest hurt, that maybe I do this shit on purpose...because the hurt is evidence that I did something. I felt something. That I put myself out there.

And honestly its sad. Because I can say, "See. I took a leap. I loved." But yeah, you loved someone who you knew wouldn't or couldn't love you back. So there was never any risk of having to actually figure out how to be happy with another or to make a relationship really work. Or staying in "friendships" with people who don't get you--or don't try to get you, gives you excuse to believe all the negative/dark/scary things you think about yourself. Maybe it is all your fault.

I believe that in a lot of ways, I'm like a cutter. I don't physically harm myself, but I do a lot of damage emotionally. I had behind big emotions and big pain. I hide in a big fantasy world where prince charming is coming to sweep me off my feet and the dream job is just going to land in my lap and I'll ride off into the sunset of my life. And I end up so disappointed. So heartbroken.

I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to look at the world with two feet firmly planted on the ground. How does one go about doing that?